


All These Years

by PieandMixtapes



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - High School, Dean is a Little Shit, M/M, Multi, Slow Burn, Top!Cas, bottom!Dean, cas is popular and also a secret asshole, cas' boyfriend is actual garbage tho
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-03-07 08:53:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 60,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13431261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PieandMixtapes/pseuds/PieandMixtapes
Summary: Dean Winchester had hold his eyes and told Castiel all he needed to be is himself, fuck everyone else.And then he left.So Dean Winchester can take that advice and shove it up his ass.Or,The one where Cas is a nice person-- Until Dean comes back to Illinois and is determined to ruin his life.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 'Cause after all these years  
> I still feel everything when you are near  
> And it was just a quick hello  
> And you had to go  
> And you probably will never know  
> You're still the one I'm after all these years  
> \--All these years by Camila Cabello

The sun is usually up by the time Cas wakes up, this time, the sun is still hiding behing the heavy fog that announce a new season. The soft wind of the morning comes through the open window above Castiel's bed. He leaves it open even when no one has come through it in four years.

Cas wakes up frowning at the alarm clock, he stretches as he inhales the slightly cold air. He can't help the smile taunting on his face.

Today is Castiel's last first day of school. It is the beginning of the end, and he couldn't be happier. 

Don't be mistaken, Cas loves his high school, the teachers, his friends, his boyfriend and even the occasional school party where he can get high and pretend not to be. 

But he was ready for more, ready to leave this lame town, and attempt the college he'd always dreamt of just like his big brothers had. 

His phone buzzes as he tries to get his slippers on properly, he ignores it, as usual. He doesn't feel like talking to anyone in the mornings, or evenings, and most of his friends got used to it by now and never really ask why. 

He takes a long shower and spends a great deal trying to tame his hair into place, failing every time. 

When he's finally done, he leaves the room and is greeted by the loud sounds coming from all places. He can hear his sister Anna yelling from the staircase, and he can hear Balthazar singing from down the hall.

Gabriel, however, sounds distant but Cas can make out a few words (Mom! But! I look great!)

To put it lightly, Cas lives in a big house. His father is a famous writer, even though Cas never read a single book of his, and his mother is a lawyer, a few cases made it on the news. Cas didn't like it, his mother never seem to pick the good guy in her cases. 

But Cas never complained, he had a great house, food on the table and a good income. Even if it meant never seeing his parents for more than a few minutes a day.

Not that he was alone or anything, with five other siblings in the house, one never feels alone. 

Anna was the youngest, dark red head and a big smile on her face at all times. Definitely Cas' favorite sibling, she was quiet and smart enough to not enter on his room.

Balthazar, a year older than Anna, is starting to follow Gabriel's steps, giving Cas just another reason to put another lock on his room.

Gabriel, a year older than Cas, decided to stay at home this year, as his business is beginning to take off, or so he says. 

The twins, Elijah and David, were thirteen, so most of the time they were no where to be seen, only coming down for breakfast and dinner. 

Mom stopped caring as long as they were in school on time. 

Cas takes his usual seat next to his father as Karla, their nanny, puts the plates around the table.

"Last year of high school, right?" His father, Chuck, asks as his brothers and sister finally sat down to eat. "You must be so happy, high school sucks!"

Cas just gave him a smile. He doesn't bother to explain him things anymore, he knows Chuck just doesn't care. Cas thinks that is not an entirely bad thing, his father was very accepting of his and Gabe's sexuality. 

Cas gulps down his juice when he hears the loud horn outside. Nobody says anything as he picks up his bagpack and heads out. 

"Is that Gus?" Cas is surprised to hear Gabriel ask.

"Yes, of course." He answers, his defensive tone getting his parent's attention.

"Oh." Gabe finally says, his head snapping back into his plate. 

Cas is in a bad mood by the time he seats next to Gus, and can tell the other one is just as moody. 

"Something wrong?" Cas asks, forgetting his own feelings and focusing on Gus. He doesn't like it when Gus is angry.

"Singer put a newbie on our team. Just text me to let me now, who the fuck does he think he is?"

"The coach?" Cas tries to joke, Gus turns to him, his expression cold. 

Gus never got his sarcasm or his jokes, for that matter. 

Before he could know what was happening, Gus approach him and took Cas' lips on him. Cas reciprocate it unenthusiastic, he doesn't like kissing like this, but Gus does, so why would he denied him something?

Cas stares out of the window for the majority of the ten minutes ride, his house is significantly close to the school, but Gus still refuses to let him go alone. Cas used to think it was cute. He is not so sure now.

They'd started dating two summers ago, after a couple of dates and a very enthusiastic Gus, Cas had finally given in and committed to a relationship. 

It wasn't hard, Cas never really dated anyone, and he didn't think it would impact on his school work or his social activities, so why wouldn't he be in a relationship? The sex was good enough and a good stress relief.

He was the captain of the soccer team, the teachers and parents loved him. He had beautiful blonde hair with bright blue eyes, everyone loved him. Cas was lucky. 

"See you at lunch?" Gus asks as he drops his boyfriend off at the entrance of the school. 

"Sure, I'll pick you up from practice." Cas answers, distracted by his friends, Charlie and Kevin, waving their hands at him. 

Before Cas could even smile at them, he gets pull closer by a pair of hands and his mouth gets cover for another wet open mouth kiss.

Cas hates PDA more than kissing, but he holds it down and gives him a tight smile as he walks away towards his friends. 

"Look at you, you look so tall!" Charlie yells as soon as he gets close to enough to hear her. 

"We saw him last week, Char." Kevin says as Cas starts laughing into her hug.

"How is the most popular couple doing?" Kevin asks, and Cas tries to ignore the grunt Charlie makes.

Cas never meant to become this popular in school, but somewhere in the third year people started talking to him, even the teachers though he was funny. He was on the Drama Club, on the soccer team, always on Science fair and even got to be number one on AP math which made him earn a couple of friends in that class. 

Even when he finally quit soccer he still got the respect of everyone, especially after being brave enough to come out and date the captain of the team.

It was bullshit, really, how they all acted understanding and open to his sexuality when only a week before he came out a kid got sent to the hospital for daring to come into school with sparkling shoes. 

But Cas was popular for being nice, for minding his business. 

Or that's what people want to believe, and maybe some of them actually believe it, but Castiel still remembers the real reason why everyone likes him.

"We're doing fine, really. How are you and Francine?" Cas politely asks, watching as Charlie relaxes her shoulders.

"We're-- good. I think so." Kevin answers a little confused.

"That's great." Its Cas' answer, he doesn't look at Charlie.

He knows she doesn't like the Gus, but why does she have to be so obvious about it?

Brushing off the awkward conversation, Charlie begins a conversation about last night's brand new season of their favorite show. 

Kevin tends to get quiet around these conversations, he doesnt like scary shows and he wouldn't have watch it if it weren't for his best friend's obsession. 

"I did watch it! I just turned the volume all the way down." Kevin explains as Cas and Charlie tried to hold a laugh.  
"Hey, Novak!" Cas hears someone call behind his back. ("Oh, no, Alistair" Kevin whispers under his breath)

"What?" Cas asks, biting his tongue. 

Alistair was one of those popular kids, the ones that bully and hate on everything that isn't them. 

The only bad thing Cas had on school was them, Ruby, Alistair and Gordon. He was asked once, right after he became known in school, to be on their group. He declined, of course, Gordon had broken his nose when they were nine just because Cas manage a goal right in front of his eyes.

After that, they decided to make his life as bad as possible. Not as bad as the other students, but bad enough. Nothing too noticeable, just in case people turn on them. Cas didn't think that was possible, given how scare most of them were. 

Gus, not that it matters that much, never helps Cas, and just tells him it'll be fine as long as he just mind his own business. Sometimes he likes to pretend he believes him.

So Cas takes the low jabs at him and pretends to not care in front of his friends. 

"Watch your tone with me, Novak." Alistair threatens, his voice barely a whisper. 

"What do you what?" Cas asks, his eyes lit with rage. 

"I said watch it." Alistair was getting close, and Cas can feel Charlie's arm trying to pull him back. 

Cas closes his eyes to try and remain calm. He is not like this, he is a nice guy. He won't give in to these assholes.

"Novak, Woodward. What's going on here?" Ms Harvelle came out of the classroom, making both boys turn around to face her. 

Neither of them said anything and walked into the classroom followed by the rest of the students. 

It was a suffocating classroom, and Cas wasn't particularly fond of literature, not from books he has been reading since he was seven. 

Cas sat alone all the way back, he didn't like being around anyone screaming this early in the morning, he sat in a tiny seat behind the girl with big hair, enough for the teacher to see Cas but not what he was doing, next to the window with a clear view of the parking lot (now full) and this is usually the best part of his Mondays. 

He was starting to dove off into sleep, his eyes closing as he tried to listen to Wendy read an apparently super complicated paragraph, when he suddenly gets awaken by the loud sound of a engine. 

It wasn't loud enough for the rest of the classroom to notice, but it made Cas jump from his seat and run towards the window, his face almost press against it. 

He could of swore--

"Mr Novak?" Ms Harvelle asks, concerned on her voice.

Cas shakes his head. It was ridiculous, to think Jonh Winchester's car could be going around the school. 

Ridiculous that he could think--

Cas apologizes to the teacher, who seems a little annoy by now, and sits back in the chair. His arms closing around himself, trying to protect himself from whatever evil he had imagine. 

By the time he sees Charlie and Kevin again, he is already tired of the week. Their classes never matched, so the only times they got time to see each other was in between clases. Three hours after Ms Harvelle class had pass and Cas found Charlie and Kevin annoyingly excited at the end of the hall, both of them staring at Cas as if he was a bride coming down the aisle. 

"What is--?" Cas began

"HE IS BACK!" Charlie yells at the top of her lungs, her voice scaring the freshmans walking pass.

"Who?" Cas asks, his ears ringing. Charlie had a thing for yelling for stupid reasons, and an actor coming back to a show was one of them.

"Dean, you idiot!" Charlie smiles widely, as if she hadn't just break Cas' world into pieces. 

"You haven't heard anything?" Kevin asks, equally excited, "Benny is practically yelling around the halls"

Both of them laugh, but Cas feels like he is going to puke. He can feel his cheeks hot, his mouth dry. He's only aware of the bell ringing, and his body moves on its own before he can stop it. 

"We were thinking to go now, don't you think? Skip class and go?" Charlie says, following Cas along.

"You alright, Cas?" Kevin asks, suddenly aware of his friend's silence. "We dont have to go now, we can wait for lunch and go then."

"I'm having lunch with Gus." Cas says automatically, his brain barely working with his body as he continues to move.

"Oh, C'mon." Charlie cries out, and Cas can't bring himself to be mad at her as he reaches for the classroom door. She crosses him before he can open it, "I'm mad at him too, you know. I get it, he left with no explanation, not even a fucking letter. But we have a chance to know why now, right? C'mon, Cas, this is Dean" 

Cas bites his teeth, his jaw almost cracking. She talks as if she has any fucking idea what he felt, as if she he had any idea what they were. 

He bites down a snarky comment and pretends he is fine, he pretends to be nice. 

"He is not our friend, Charlie. We're not thirteen anymore. We'll become adults in three months, people change, we changed. I wont go after someone I don't know anymore."

With a sympathetic smile, Cas opens the door an enters the classroom.

He doesn't let the guilt get to him as he crosses the room and sits down next to the window. 

So it was Jonh Winchester's car the one he heard earlier.

His oatmeal and healthy nut bar revolve around his stomach, and Cas begins to grab onto himself again, trying to at least try to hear what the teacher is saying. 

Half an hour into the class, Cas realises he doesn't want to see Dean. He doesn't want him in his classes, in his life, in his anything. 

He is beginning to panic as the memories became present on his mind, like it hasn't in years. 

Dean Winchester, the kid that drag him into soccer and help him make the players like him and think he was a good player. Dean Winchester who once heard Cas sing and encourage him to signed into Drama Club and promised to be in every crowd cheering for him even if no one else does.  
Dean Winchester, the kid who listen to him talk non stop about Star Wars and Harry Potter and finally bring him the nerds from his class, Kevin and Charlie, to hang out with.

Dean Winchester had hold his eyes and told Castiel all he needed to be is himself, fuck everyone else.

And then he left.

So Dean Winchester can take that advice and shove it up his ass. 

Cas had been nice and caring, even if he didn't give a shit, and it had work. He had moved on from Dean, and gained a fuck load of friends from it. A nice, sweet guy, that's who he was now. 

Not matter how much Cas hates it, he can't change it.

Except he can't be nice now. Not with Dean, he can't lie to him, he can't pretend with him.

He can't face him, he doesn't know how. 

Cas leaves the room frantically biting his nails, something he hasn't done in years, not after Dean had hold his hands down and drag him to the nail salon. 

Both kids had spend the day finding the nail polish Dean had heard about.

They couldn't stop giggling as Dean put on the second coat on, the smell of peppers stinking their hands. 

Cas remembers Dean's face everytime he caught him biting them, Cas making gag noises as Dean tried to hold himself together so the teacher wouldn't notice. He did anyway, and Cas and Dean spend the rest of the day on detention, laughing at the memory. 

Cas puts his hands down and pushes all of it back down on his brain, he doesn't need those memories, he has new ones now. 

He puts on his happy smile, the ones he gives to the people passing by him, and makes his way down to the locker room, where Gus must be waiting, hopefully without Alistair. 

Cas doesn't think about Dean at all, instead focuses himself on the tasty food waiting for him at the Road House, just down the block.

He enters the locker room without problem, and instantly prepares himself to look for Gus on the mess of people that usually occupy the entire room. 

But it's quiet this time, too quiet, and Cas makes his way to the back of the locker room, near the showers. 

Then he hears it, above the sound of the water running, he hears a laugh, a true sincere laugh that he hasn't heard in years. One that he didn't think could have the same effect on him. 

Dean's laugh sounds better than anything Cas has ever heard, it makes him smile without thinking.

He is scare to admit that he also recognises the grunt and rough movement that follows that laugh. Gus is there, and whatever Dean had been laughing about Gus didn't like it. 

"Gus!" Cas warned as he came around the corner.

Dean turns to face Cas faster than anyone else in the room, his face instantly showing a big smile just for Cas.  
They stare at each other for what it seems hours. 

Dean's hair is still soaking from the water, and his cheeks are red, but Cas can't know if it is from the smile still on his face or the heat coming from the showers. 

Cas can't help but smile back, a sincere one, one that he never uses anymore. Cas's mind enters dangerous territory as he notice Dean's hands coming up to his face to wipe of the water dripping down his five o'clock shadow. 

Cas had to force himself to move as he watches Dean give him a very obvious once over. 

"Cas, what are you doing here?" 

His boyfriend's voice brought him back to earth and immediately jump up to look at him walking up to Cas, pushing Dean aside. 

"Told you I was gonna pick you up." Cas explains as he is being drag away from the others.

Cas is very aware of Dean's eyes drilling on his back.

"I'm having lunch with the guys." Gus says, his eyes drifting towards his friends. "I forgot we made reservations at the sushi place."

"You don't even like sushi." Cas complains.

"I'm their captain." Gus gives the final argument, and Cas drops his head. He doesn't like fighting with him.

Cas can still feel Dean's eyes on him, and for some reason, he knows Dean is angry.

"See you later, then." Cas smiles up to put Gus in a better mood. It doesn't work.

"I'll pick you up for dinner." He says, and Cas wonders if he should believe him.

"You do like sushi." Dean's voice startles the couple and their eyes dart out to him. The rest of the students look from Dean to Gus. "You should come."

"It's fine, I'll have lunch here and--" Cas answers, looking at Benny rather than Dean. Cas doesn't understand why Dean is so angry.

"If anyone is gonna invite my boyfriend, It'll be me." Gus says, trying to move closer to Dean, Cas stopping him in the last second. 

"Last time I check people were not properties, were they?" Dean responds, his body slowly moving towards Gus. 

"Benny." Cas warns, and the man moves quickly, holding Dean back. 

"What the hell are you doing?" Coach Singer's voice startled the players.

Someone had turned off the showers and the ones undress were quick to find their clothes. 

"Already causing trouble, Winchester?" Bobby asks, his brow raising. He looks around the room and finally finds Cas. "Novak. That explains it."

"Hi, Bobby." Cas whispers, letting go of Gus and looking at the teacher with an apologetic look. 

"You join us for lunch?" Dean smiles wide, "Maybe Winchester could convice you to be on the team again. You like sushi, right?"

Cas deliberate ignores Dean's grin when he answers, "I'm sorry, Bobby, I'm afraid I've grown up to dislike fish now. I'll stick with my sandwich."

"Well, your loss, kid." Bobby says as he leaves to the door, guiding the boys out. 

Cas would do anything for Dean to leave too, he was starting to look at him funny. Probably feeling offended by his commentary of sushi. 

When Gus finally finished picking up his stuff, kiss him (a small peck on the lips, thank god) and left after the guys, Dean and Cas were left alone. Bobby is at the door, but Cas had the impression he is guarding the door instead of waiting for them to leave. 

Cas can tell, now that they're alone, why Dean looks so angry. Cas has been nice and submissive to everyone in the room, he had acted like everything Dean hates. Good.

He shakes his head and intents to leave the room when a soft chuckle stops him.

"I bet my car you still eat sushi on fridays," Cas breaths in as Dean starts talking, his eyes turning cold, "in your room with the fan on, so Gabriel doesn't notice the smell." Dean says, his smile still on as he walks up to his face. Cas feels young again. "I bet you my life your boyfriend doesn't know half the things you do."

Dean is waiting for an answer, and Cas waits for his own brain to process the assault. He is desperately trying to find his usual responds, but his brain just seems to havee stop, anger filling his entire body. For once, he doesn't need to pretend he is not pissed, that he is just not bother by it. He gets to be angry and pissed, and for once he can feel how frustrated he is.

He likes it. 

Dean is already breaking him.

He tilts his face, and stares at that stupid smile. He makes sure his voice is low enough for only Dean to hear the utter anger in it. 

"Go fuck yourself, Winchester."

"And this, ladies and gentlemans," Dean says to a non existent crowd "is my Cas."

Dean's smile finally drops as he watches Cas leave without a word.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *warning*  
> -Homophobic behavior and use of derogatory term.  
> -Hint of abuse.
> 
> (Nothing too much, I promise, but I still feel the need to warn you)

It's fire. His face feels like it's burning off, he knows he is not smiling and he's pretty sure he just pushed off some freshman kid as he runs out of the locker room, Bobby still calling out for him. 

He'll probably have rumors of break up to answer for tomorrow. 

That idea makes it all even worse. His hands are clenching angrily besides his legs by the time he gets to the cafeteria.

He watches Charlie and Kevin talk enthusiastically about something he can't hear but can imagine that is, probably, about Dean fucking Winchester. 

He can't take it right now, even seeing his friends happy for Dean makes him want to punch a wall. His hands come up to his face and a frustrated noise escapes his mouth. 

His body moves again, a decided look on his face. He is  pretty sure he pushed another one of his algebra's classmates, but he can't bring himself to care, if he had stop, he would probably go off on the kid anyway. 

His mind goes back to Dean and the triumphant look he had the second Cas' face turned red from rage. Dean had enjoy it. 

Cas gets to the benches before he notices it, he doesn't have time to appreciate the rain starting to fall as he runs towards the small room, right outside the field, that the coach barely uses anymore. It was supposed to keep safe all of the gym gears, but Bobby preferred to have it all locked up in his office, knowing that the kids would find a way to steal it if not. 

He was right, of course. Dean and Cas had stolen a soccer ball once, while trying to convince themselves it was fine because the ball belonged to Alistair, who had made a horrible comment about Charlie the day before. 

Cas sits behind the window and almost shivers from the cold that cripples down the crappy ceiling. He notice then that he forgot his sandwich, and his stomach makes a loud complain. 

He presses his forehead against the window, trying to breathe out his anger.

The small room consisted of two old chairs and one old baseball bat that someone had probably left it to rot, he can't remember if it had anything else before this day. He doubts it, nobody ever cared for this place except for Cas.

Cas can feel his anger leaving his body slowly, the sound of the rain washing off his own loud breathing.

When he finally calms himself enough to open his eyes, he realises that is not Dean who he is angry with. It's everyone else.  

This thought does nothing to help him, and soon enough he finds himself getting angry again.

 He is so focus on his breathing that he barely hears the door open.

"Fuck, It's getting cold." Dean says as he walks into the room and closes the door behind him. He takes the other chair from the back of the room and drags it towards the window.

He smiles again as he watches Cas try to form words. 

"How did you know I was here?" Cas finally gives up, examining the empty field in front of them, expecting to see Gus storming into it at any moment.

"I showed you this place, didn't I?" Dean is also looking outside, pretending to be focus "We're looking out for your boyfriend, right?"

Cas ignores him, and Dean just stares at him for a while before he answers. 

"I wouldn't worry, I made sure he left with Bobby and the rest--I told them I wasn't feeling well and, surprisingly, they believe me."

Cas is still focusing on his breathing as he tries not to panic, if someone sees them-- it'll all be over. They'll call him a cheater, they'll start rumors that would reach Alistair's ears and probably torment him until the end of school. They'll all hate him, they'll all _leave_ him. Gus would--no, he can't think of _that_. 

"Calm down, Cas." Dean rolls his eyes "It's raining and you never told him or anyone about this place. We're safe from whatever you think might get to us."

Cas squints his eyes at him, surprised. 

"It's our place." Dean explains, reaching out for a bag Cas hadsn't notice he had brought. "You hate sharing secrets, especially ours."

He pulls out two sandwiches, Cas' eyes widen as he sees his favorite stack on top of Dean's. He can't remember the last time someone had made him his favorite sandwich. His mother was too picky to cook anything, and Karla usually went with a standard meal plan.

When Dean found out about it ("Dude, you deserve to eat your favorite shit at least three times a week! I make Sammy's favorite everyday), he made it a mission to bring him his favorite everyday.  

"You still like ham, don't you?" Dean mocks as he hands it to him. Cas takes it with a hesitant hand. 

He still doesn't understand what Dean is doing in here, or even how he knows he hasn't bring his lunch this morning. Has Dean made the sandwich the night before, expecting Cas to have lunch with him?

"What did you said to Gus to piss him off?" Cas asks. It's not like he cares, but he can't bring himself to ask Dean his others questions. _Why did you leave? Why did you come back? Why are you doing this to me_?

Dean licks his lips before he answers, Cas can tell he is about to start laughing.

"I crushed him on the field, of course, two goals in the last ten minutes hurts like a bitch. Benny made a joke about me becoming the captain, we laughed, and then Gordon said..."

Dean stops laughing and bites his lips. Cas feels the need to get closer to Dean, but he stays where he is and pretends to be busy with his sandwich.

"He said Gus would rather give you up before his position as Captain. I got kinda pissed and I answered something inappropriate." Dean bites his lips again, this time he tries to hide a laugh.

"What did you said?" Cas asks, suddenly forgetting he isn't suppose to look at him in the eyes. 

"That he can have the captain position, and I'll  have _you_ in any position." Dean takes a bite out of his sandwich to hide his grin, "In my defense, Benny found it funny too." 

Dean is the only person to ever dare to talk to him the way that he does. Maybe because he knows Cas usually follows his games, and maybe he is expecting to do it now, but he won't. 

"How's Sam?" Cas asks completely ignoring the lastest conversation as he stares out the window again. He is surprise that he actually cares about the answer. 

"Great, actually, he really likes it here, he missed Anna and Balthazar too. How are they?" Dean doesn't change his tone, as if their whole conversation was completely normal.

"Great." Cas says, he tries to ignores the sharp pain on his ribs. 

"What about Gabe?" Dean asks, his voice finally changing to a scary complicity. 

Gabe liked Dean the most out of all the friend he'd ever had, even the ones that didn't fucking leave him, and Cas always thought that was the reason Gabriel never liked Gus. 

"He is fine, he opened up the store-- Trickster, of all names-- and is going as he expected it. Of course, most of his clientele are his ex junkie friends, trying to get drugs for free." Cas gets weirded out by his own tone of voice, he doesn't feel uncomfortable anymore, and surprisingly, he isn't lying to Dean. 

He feels relief now that he doesn't have to pretend he gives a shit about his brother's business, or clarify that he is joking about the junkies, even if he isn't. His face turns into a serious one, one that he never makes anymore because Gus tells him it makes people be turn off by him, and just lets himself relax into his seat. 

"Oh my God, he actually did it? I though he was joking about that." Cas gets to hear Dean laugh again, and his stomach gets an uncomfortable knot in it. He can't say he missed that. "How about the twins? They are what, a year younger than Sam--?"

"Thirteen, yes." Cas helps, his body relaxing as he moves onto try to explain the twins interaction with other human beings.

They move on with other subjects; the mall, where Cas stops and explains that he actually worked at one of the store and had to quit when a crazy customer found out his father was Chuck Shurley ("Its not funny, Dean, she tried to follow me home." Cas tried to said as Dean continue to laugh hysterically), he explains what happened once he quit soccer--

"Why did you quit?" Dean asks in disbelief. "You were awesome, and you really enjoyed it!"

Cas shrugged it off, he didn't want to admit the only reason he'd joined the team was to spend more time with Dean. He was good at it, but he didn't like playing it without Dean, it wasn't fun. And if he is honest to himself once in his life; it fucking hurts to do anything that Dean used to do with him.

Cas moves the conversation to the people on school, he stops and smile as he talks about his best friends and he definitely goes into detail as he describes Alistair, Ruby and Gordon's antics against everyone. 

"I get it, they are bad, they were bad before too, Cas." Dean smiles nonetheless, "You look like you need to punch something."

"I do. I need to punch them." Cas almost spats.

He stops then, aware of what he just said. He is ashamed of it, he is not supposed to show his emotions like this, but Dean still looks amuse by it. 

"I'm surprised you haven't done it yet." Dean continues. "I bet they never had a chance to, you move like a fucking ninja or something."

"You think they'd never punch me?" Cas almost laughs.

"What?" Dean's back is straight and his eyes focus scarily into Cas' "what happened?"

Cas moves awkwardly on his sit, he doesn't like this story. 

"We went to a party, Gus and I, and Alistair was drunk, he dare me to fight him, I refused. He hit me in the face." Cas says quickly, trying to make it sound almost unimportant. 

He tries not to think about that night too much, he can still feel his knuckles when he punched the wall that night once he got home. He still hates himself for letting emotions affect him like that. 

"What happened after?" Dean asks, his expression still serious, Cas shrugged again, "what did Gus do?"

"Nothing, Dean, he is the captain, he can't go around punching his teammates for stupid fights." Cas answers automatically. That's what Gus had told him the day after, staring at his black eye.

Dean's breath hitched, and Cas watches him as he lowers his head and curses under his breath. 

"Tell me you at least spread a nasty rumour or something, like him getting it on with his cousin, that'd be hilarious." Dean almost begs and he seems enthusiastic, but his eyes still have a dark look on them.

"That's immature." Cas says, but he is pretty sure he had that same thought the day after the party.

"He punched you. For nothing." Dean gave him a pity look, and Cas hates him for it. "And Gus didnt do shit."

"Don't talk about what you don't know." Cas says, his cheeks turning red.

He doesn't want to defend Gus right now, and if Dean keeps pushing, Cas might say something he could regret later.

"Fine, I'll leave it." Dean doesn't sound conving at all. "So, what happened with Ms Fishner?"

Cas is glad to change the subject, especially to one as exciting as the one with Ms Fishner where he could, for the first time, give his own theories on it. Even the malicious ones that were too mean to say it in front of Kevin and too funny to say it in front of Gus, makes Dean's eyes teary with laughter.

The rain has stop by the time Cas finishes the whole story, and he is pretty sure they missed last period.

Dean, however, seems calm as he watches Cas try to find his phone.

"We might as well keep talking." Dean offers as he stares at a hesitant Cas.

Seeing that Cas couldn't or wouldn't answer, Dean begins talking about his car. Cas listens enlighten after a few seconds of indecision, he'd always loved watching Dean work on baby when his dad was out of town, so hearing about her again makes his stomach flip a little.

"Now she's mine." Dean says, a big smile on his face. "We can finally go to that restaurant you always wanted to go."

"I don't think so, It got demolished six months ago, and Gus took me on a date there, it isn't as big of a deal as they made it sound on TV."

"You went there with him?" Dean sounds hurt and Cas is almost happy about it.

"Not everything is yours, Dean. Maybe you should had pee on it before you left." Cas' voice sounds bitter, and he hates it. Dean doesn't deserve to know Cas is upset, it'll only make him think he cares. 

He doesn't.

"Cas..." Dean begins saying.

Cas shakes his head and changes the subject to Sam again, he prefers listening to Dean talk about someone he actually cares for. 

Cas couldn't pin point the moment where their body's began to relax again, but he found himself laying on the floor, eating chips from Dean's bag and listening to him talk about the time they went to a fair in Kansas. 

He doesn't ask what he was doing in Kansas. 

"You still live in the same house?" Cas asks before he can stop himself. 

Dean used to live just down the block from his house, and Dean used to be the one who picked him up in the mornings, sometimes he was even invited to get into the house and had breakfast with the Novak's. Cas remembers that his father genuinely liked Dean and cared about what he had to say--yet, Chuck never asked why Dean stopped coming to their house. 

"Yes." Dean says with a smirk, and Cas wishes he hadn't ask anything as he listens to the question that comes out of Dean's mouth: "Missing the sleepovers, Cas?"

It was a low hit, the kind that leaves you breathless. 

He gets up immediately, his hands already searching for his books. He tries not to shake from anger, his teeth biting off the inside of his cheeks. Dean was tempting just how much he had learned to control his anger. 

He feels Dean's hand on his before he can reach for the door. He's not gripping him, he is barely touching him, but Dean's hand feels warm and soft against his wrist, making him stop and wait. 

Cas can't remember if Gus' touch ever felt like this.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable." Dean's apologize is sincere, but Cas can't bring himself to turn around and face the guilt on his eyes. 

God knows what he'll do if he does. 

"Cas, c'mon, please--" Cas can hear him plead as he walks out of the room. 

Cas is not sure what Dean wants him to do, but whatever it is, he won't do it. 

 

««»»

 

Gus and Cas had a fight at the restaurant that night. The interrogation starting as soon as they get sat at a table, Dean being the subject of every question. Cas had to lie through his teeth with most of them.

"Did you sleep him?" Gus asks, the napkin on his hand already destroyed. "He seemed oddly glad to see you."

"What? No, of course not" Cas answers pretending to be disgusted. 

He wasn't, technically, lying.

"I don't like him, and I don't like seen you with him." Gus says as he throws the napkin into his plate. The pizza sitting badly on Cas' stomach.

"We talked about this. Dean and I share a lot of friends." Cas puts on the sweetest voice he could make, he can almost hear Dean grunting in the distance. "I don't even like him as a friend anymore, Gus, I was thirteen, I didn't know any better."

"If he tries something--" Gus finally says after the waiter brings back his credit card. 

"You'll ignore it, like with Alistair?" Cas' sarcasm earns him a hard look.

"Alistair never put a hand on you--" Gus says, and the fucker believes it when he says it. "--Sober."

Cas tries not to roll his eyes. 

««»»««

Two hours later, walking back home after a questionable good sex where his mind kept playing with him and try several times to put Dean's face on Gus's, Cas thinks about the time Alistair did put his hands on him.

Only the memories of that night making him scare enough to run the last few blocks.

He was panting by the time he got home. Barely noticing his brothers fighting in the living room and completely ignoring Anna's greeting, Cas locks himself in his room. He breathes out again, his hand trembling from anger for not being able to stop the memories.

Cas had anger issues when he was younger. Dean used his smile and bad jokes to help him. 

Dean would take him near the old train station nobody used anymore, an enthusiastic smile and two pairs of boxing gloves on his hand, trying to convice him to used his anger as a way to teach each other how to fight. It was a stupid idea, but they were stupid kids.

Cas accepted, and Dean was glad he didn't had to pay for a gym membership. His smile never left his face, even when Cas had been unnecessarily bossy towards him. Dean was incredibly happy with his teacher.

They'd never hurt each other, and Cas refused to fight him when he felt out of control. Dean never complained as he watched Cas take it out on the poor punching bag.

Dean also used to stop Cas when he though it was too much, and he wouldn't let him continue if there were any sight of blood on his knuckles.

Cas always complained. He was bossy and usually manhandled Dean when they were on the floor, learning a few moves Dean had seen on TV. 

They were stupid, but harmless.

One night, in the middle of winter, Alistair had been brutally rejected by his crush, and Gordon, as the horrible friend that he is, thought it was a good idea to give him alcohol he had stolen from his parents. 

Needless to say, they both were pretty drunk after one beer, and when they found Cas and Dean coming down from the park, one of the short cuts they used when they went to their secret hiding, Alistair had the great idea to test them.

"This is our park." Alistair had said as he approached Dean. "You have to pay to get pass here, what do you think Gordon? A hundred each?" Gordon laughed like an idiot. "Maybe Dean would be a gentleman and pay for yours, Cas. You think your ass is worth it, faggot?"

"The park is not yours, you moron." Cas answered, his voice cold and calculated, he could feel Dean's body tense up next to him. "Didn't your mom teach you the park is a public space or was she too busy sucking your neighbour's balls to pay attention to you?"

Dean had warn him before that his mouth would get him in serious problem, but he never could of expect the punch he received right across the face. He was in the ground before Dean could interfere. 

He remembers thinking about how this was all Gabe's fault, for listening to mom gossip on the phone with aunt Natalie and then run to tell Castiel all about how Alistair's mom had cheated on his husband with their neighbour.

When he reunited the strength enough to sit up he watched as Dean sat on top Alistair, still trying to punch him. Gordon's hands were ripping into his shirt trying to get him off. The sight alone terrified Castiel, Dean seemed out of his mind. 

Cas quickly took off Gordon first, the guy too scare to do anything, and he went on to grab on Dean's shirt and trying to make him listen. Alistair seemed to be bleeding everywhere.

"Touch him again, and you're dead, Alistair. Dead!" Dean continue to yell as Cas dragged him out of the park. 

They had their first real fight that night, Cas yelling at him for being stupid and Dean desperately trying to protect himself. They went different ways that night, both still angry at each other. 

Cas didn't sleep at all that night, wondering what would happen if Alistair pressed charges against Dean. 

The next morning, Dean bought him his favorite soda and said:

"I'm sorry, Cas." Dean's apologizes were always sincere. "I won't do it again, I'm sorry I scared you." 

Cas never got to find out if he was able to keep his promise, he left a month after that.

 

««»»

 

Charlie and Kevin skype Cas after his shower. 

"What are you saying?!" Charlie yells from the computer after Cas tells them about his day, avoiding his chat with Dean in the utilities room. "He can't tell you who to hang out!"

"He didn't. I'll have to see Dean anyway, like it or not." Sometimes Cas wonders why he always feels the need to defend Gus.

"You didn't tell him about you and him right, not the real truth." Charlie tries to sound secretive.

"There was no real truth, Charlie, Dean and I were just friends." Cas says for the millionth time.

"Bullshit! You two were all up each other, everyone could tell." Charlie arguments, her voice is reaching a high pitch Cas tries to ignore.

"Well-- he did have a girlfriend back then didn't he?" Kevin is brave enough to voice it at loud now that he is behind a computer. 

"Yes, thank you." Cas appreciates the input, even when the knife on his ribs twist painfully.

Lisa braeden. 

She was and still is one of the nicest girl Cas had ever met. Not to mention beautiful, talented and smart, but Cas and Dean never payed attention to girls other than Charlie or Ruby or Meg, and that was only because the last two scared the crap out of them, or at least that was what Cas had thought anyway. 

Except that Dean did asked Lisa out in front of the whole cafeteria, Cas sitting right behind them. 

They went out like twice but everyone was already too invested on them and the rumors of Lisa Braeden and Dean Winchester dating was the biggest news of the year. 

Cas still doesn't know why Dean went out with her in the first place. 

It lasted four months (two months after that, Dean left the state) before everyone realised they were not together anymore. The rumor of Dean cheating on her with Cas started as soon as they were seen by Gordon walking to the park together. 

Lisa and Cas are friends now, and he likes her. He has to admit he is gotten pretty good at pretending he doesn't care that she still laughs when remembering the situation. 

"Are you joking? They weren't a thing, it was just a stupid rumor." Charlie frowns at the screen, somewhere where Kevin would be. 

"Nothing happened between Dean and I," Cas has the decency to not look at them in the eyes while saying it. "And nothing will. I'm not the same stupid kid I was before."

Both Kevin and Charlie stay silent. 

"I'm getting tired, I need to sleep. Have a good night, guys." 

 

****p>

 

Cas wakes up at 6am with a horrible headache. When its obvious it won't get down, Cas puts on his gym wear and decides to go for an early run, like the ones he used to do in the summer, when the nightmares got the worse of him. 

The family is still asleep, most of them will be awake in an hour. He meets Karla in the living room, and after a polite conversation and a warm 'be careful', Cas gets out into the cold morning.

The podcast he downloaded is exciting and leaves him no place to think about anything else other than running.

Aaron, the storyteller, seems to get into quite a debate and Cas is too lost in it to notice the shadow following him. He screams loudly in the empty street when he feels a hand touch his shoulder. 

Aaron had stop talking and Cas realises he just missed the finale. He composes himself before turning, he needs to be nice to whoever asshole just decided that was a good idea to do. 

His fake polite smile drops when he sees Dean.

"What the fuck, Dean?"

"Sorry, Cas. Did I scare you?" Dean very obviously tries to hide his amusement.

"What are you doing here?" Cas asks, picking up his tangle headphone from the floor, his face red from both anger and embarrassment.

"We ran out of milk, I though that something would be open by now." To Cas' misfortune, Dean follows him as he walks away.

"I think Drake's is open." Cas says, hoping for Dean to turn around and leave him to run again.

"Nope. They're not. Maybe I'll find something with you." Dean says, his hands laced behind him, his eyes examining the close stores around them.

"Whatever." Cas lets out a frustrated sound and tries to put play on the next episode of the podcast. 

"Hey, you know any other Cas?" Dean asks all of the sudden.

"What?" Cas responds, already regretting leaving his bed. 

"Benny and the guys, even Charlie and Kevin are all telling me about this awesome, nice, caring man named Cas, and I just never get to meet him." Dean says it with a smirk, pleased with himself. 

"Maybe you will if you get out of my ass." Cas can feel the tingle on his hands, his body stoping mid way to move towards Dean, threatening. 

"Oh," Dean says, his face only two inches away from his. "Mr nice guy left the building then?"

Cas couldn't move, his mind refusing his eyes' request to look at Dean' lips. Dean's smile makes it difficult.

"I think I prefer this guy." Dean says, not worry about his eyes staring hungrily at Cas' lips. 

The sound of a car makes both of them jump, and Cas curses himself.

"Sam wants to see you," Dean says after Cas starts walking away again, his voice is still calm as if nothing had happened "and Anna and Balthazar."

"Fine. They can meet at the park. I'll let Karla know." Cas doesn't make the mistake of stopping again.

"Its cold. Why don't you come home with them, maybe--" Dean is walking faster to keep up with Cas' rhythm.

"If you say sleepover, Dean, I swear to God I'll--" Cas stops when they reach the end of the block, the little man just turning red. 

"You're the one thinking about it. Not me." Dean raises his hands "And I don't know what the big issue is, we never did anything inappropriate."

Dean is right, but Cas won't give him the satisfaction. "I'll let Karla know."

"Cas--" his tone of voice changes, and Cas turns around, his defenses down immediately. "I get that you're mad at me. Believe me. But at least let me explain, give me a chance. We need to talk."

The little man turns green and Cas moves fast, he doesn't want to hear Dean talk anymore.

"Cas, for fuck's sakes, you can't just ignore me. It's me! It's us!" Dean is yelling now, and Cas sees the people around them getting out of their houses. He can see Hannah, in charge of the newsletter and social media representative of the school, walking her dog just down the block.

Cas breaths in a few times and he heads closer to Dean. He makes sure it looks friendly, but can't help the hate and resentment in his voice. 

"You left three years ago, Dean. I don't know how to make you understand that I don't give a shit about you. I don't care how, why you left, or why are you even here now. You were dead to me the moment you were gone." Cas is breathing hard and the words makes his heart hurt. "I'm in love with Gus, and a ghost won't change that."

He doesn't let Dean answer, and Dean doesn't chase after him when he leaves. 

Cas' family is getting ready by the time he gets home, he ignores everyone again and barely reaches his door before he lets out a frustrated scream. 

He likes his room being away from everyone, it lets him do stuff like throw expensive bullshit he never uses, break book into pieces and scream, even punch the walls without making much noise. 

His room is a mess by the time he hears his mother yell at him to hurry up. He has twenty minutes before Gus picks him up. 

He tries to take a quick shower but his eyes are determined to stay red and teary. 

His mind tormenting him with Dean. 

 

Sleepovers. It was just that at first, sleepovers at the Winchester's house, where he got to take his favorite books and read all of them to Sam.

He remembers Dean making sandwiches in the kitchen, laughing sometimes, and coughing "nerds" everytime Sam asked questions. 

On Saturdays, Cas used to bring Balthazar and Anna over, so Sam can play with them whenever Dean and Cas felt like being alone in the room and play videogames on their own. 

The kids slept in Sam's room, in the second floor, in the middle of John's and Dean's room, and Cas and Dean slept at Dean's, with the excuse that they were older ("You're ten years old, Dean!" Sam used to complained).

The Novak's used to bring their own sleeping bags, the ones they use for camping on summers, and they slept just fine for a while. Every Saturday for Balthazar and Anna, and every Wednesday, Friday and Saturday for Cas, the Winchester's house was theirs too. 

One night Dean began acting strange half way through the Novak's visit, and Cas couldn't help but continue to ask, over and over again, what was wrong. 

By the tenth time, Dean had pulled Cas into the kitchen and told him his father was coming back home that night.

"Your dad doesn't know we're here?" Cas asked, surprised.

"Yeah-- but, whatever, nevermind, Cas, it's fine." Dean was lying, but Cas didn't push. 

That night, John came home late, the kids fast asleep, Cas and Dean still trying to after drinking too much soda. Cas jumped when he heard Mr Winchester yelled for his older son.

"Stay here." Dean told Cas, leaving quickly. 

Cas heard more yelling, and then everything was quiet, he was getting scare but soon he heard John's voice again. 

He was angry. His heart clench when he thought of Dean alone in there with him. That's when Cas heard laughs, not Dean's, not John's. There were other people on the house. 

Before he could get up and see for himself, the door opened and Dean came in.

"My dad brought friends over. I locked Sam's room, I doubt they can hear anything," Dean says, his voice rough. Cas can see the shape of his body move around the bed and get into the covers "I'm so sorry, Cas."

Just when he was about to answer a loud crash is heard, follow by a horrific laugh. Cas can see the shape of Dean stiffen.

He acted by instinct, he saw Dean in distress and his mind went into automatic. Cas got up from his sleeping bag and lie next to Dean, his body turned to face him.

"We're alright. Nobody will hurt us, I promise." Cas whispered as another loud noise came from down stairs.

Dean had a tear track on his face, and he knew instantly that he cried when he was in the kitchen.

They slept like that. And woke up with their firgers brushing against each other. 

Dean understood when Cas didn't let the kids come back for sleepovers again. But Cas continue to go, everytime that Dean mention that his father was coming home over earlier than expected, Cas was immediately at the door, with a sleeping bag under his arm, that he had stop using. 

When Dean turned twelve, John would come home without telling Dean first, usually when he knew Sam was sleeping over at his friend's houses.

"Its because he cares about Sam, he doesn't mind me hearing everything he does, so he just doesn't feel the need to text me." Dean had whisper to him on Mrs Harvelle' class.

So, Cas found a way to crack into his own window's lock and left it open for Dean in case he needed a place to stay. Dean loved it, and he used it even in the middle of the day and entered whenever he wanted. Even when it scared the crap out of him whenever Dean came silently into his room, he never closed his window again.

It was innocent at first, they didn't even touch, let alone think about kissing.

It changed when Dean and Lisa became a thing and Cas' jealousy began to be hard to hide from Dean. 

Cas didn't understand it at first, why he was so upset at Dean, and it wasn't until he watched carefully as Dean crawled over into the bed and took his usual pillow, that Cas finally realised he liked his best friend.

He still remembers the pain he felt that night, he didn't want to like Dean like that. 

The day that rumors of Dean cheating began, Cas was brave enough to ask:

"Did you break up with her?" 

He was nervous, and Dean seemed too tired to answer as he turned off the lights and got into the covers of Cas' bed. That day John had bring a woman over, and didn't bother to even say hi to Dean when he came into the house. Sam had stayed at Bobby's.

"Shut up," Dean laughs, surprising the other boy. "You're gonna ask me too?"

"I'm just curious." Cas says quietly, he can see his white smile almost perfectly with the full moon illuminating the room.

"No. You're jealous." Dean laughs again, his body changing positions, he holds himself in one elbow, his hand on his already messy hair. Cas is laying on his back and he makes a point to not look at Dean as he answers.

"No, I'm not." He says, and he needs to make a joke or he'll turn red from embarrassment for that painfully obvious lie. "I'd rather date Gus Silverman than you."

Dean lets out a big laugh. "Everyone knows you're strictly into dating me, though."

"Well, that's a lie." Cas smiles stupid. 

"But is it bad?" Dean stops laughing. "I mean, would you really rather date Gus than me?"

"Yes." Cas is having fun, and now he is the one laughing. "Now, who is the jealous one?"

Dean is on top of him before he can even feel the covers move. Cas lets out a gasp of surprise as he stares at Dean, his whole body now illuminated by the moon. 

Cas' hands move to Dean's hips without much thinking. He smiles as Dean drops his body on him. Their foreheads touching, Cas' hands hugging down his hips. 

"Is it ok if I sleep here?" Dean asks as he lowers his head and finds the crook of Cas' neck, one hand already coming up from his side to hug Cas' shoulders.

Cas chuckles as he snuggles Dean closer.

Cas never rushed Dean into doing anything else, and neither did Dean. They were happy to sleep as close as humanly possible without even a kiss, as long as they had a separate long, cold, shower the next morning, they were more than willing to wait for the other.

The last day they'd spend together, Dean had woke up on his bed, messy hair and grumpy attitude. 

Cas had laughed at him. "Why do you always look like an angry bear everytime you wake up here?"

Dean had tried to smile while he answered, staring deep into Cas' blue eyes:

"I love this bed too much to ever want to leave it." 

And Cas, stupid childish Castiel, had believe every word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. If you have any question (I know, the timeline with this things can get confusing) you can go ahead and ask me anything!
> 
>  
> 
> (Also, can't believe "angry bear" is a thing that happened with Cas and Dean in the show, like, wow, I love canon destiel)


	3. Chapter 3

Cas texts Gus telling him he won't go to school today. He yells at his mom from the stairs, Cas hears her huff follow by the sound of the front door closing.

He hears his siblings leave with Karla after a few minutes. Chuck knocks on his door and lets him know he won't be home until lunch, Cas doesn't bother opening the door. Gabe doesn't bother him at all.  
He lays in bed, too lazy to go make himself breakfast.

He uses the right side of the bed out of pure habit, he also leaves Dean's pillow next to him. Cas wonders why he never thought that was weird before. With a dull feeling in his stomach, he tries to remember the reason he gave Gus as to why they couldn't sleep over at his house. Cas had said something about his siblings annoying them all night, not that it wasn't true, but the real reason, and Cas can't ignore it anymore, is that, to Cas, that bed isn't just his. It's Dean's too, and having Gus on it feels wrong.

His phone is buzzing but he ignores it, if anyone wants to know what's wrong they can ask Gus. Even Charlie would put his hatred aside and ask Gus where he is.

Cas feels guilty when his brain jumps from Gus to Dean.

He'd never talk to Dean like that. It's been a while since he talk to anyone like that, in fact. He'd been so good with keeping his emotions to himself, and Dean ruined everything in only twenty-four hours of coming back.

Cas tries to convince himself this isn't his fault, it's Dean's.

Being nice and caring is a good thing, even if you fake it. Even when you hate everything that comes out of your mouth. Even if you hate yourself in the process.

_It's not a mask_ , he says to himself, _it's who_ _you have to be._

Cas had a bad time becoming who he is today, even if he had a good start with being the poor kid who got dumped by his best friend.

He dated Meg a little over a month after Dean left. She wasn't very nice, but she was his first kiss and it was an amazing distraction from Dean. They didn't last very long, Charlie and Kevin had to drag him out of her claws after finding out Cas had a bad experience with weed. He doesn't remember but apparently Meg had left him all alone to deal with it, she took off when her parents found out she wasn't home.

Cas had called Charlie crying hysterically, not knowing where he was. She found him near the old station, and Cas pretended he didn't know what he was doing there.

His phone rings again, and Cas finally reaches out for it. a text message from Gus popped up on the screen.

Gus: You need anything, baby? I have practice later but I can go hang out for a little while if you want.

Cas typed out a quick message:

Cas: I'm fine, don't worry, I'm gonna be in bed all day anyway, I'll see you tomorrow, thank you..

He leaves the phone back on the nightstand. His hands grab Dean's pillow before he can think about it, hugging it tight against him.

When he was fifteen, his mother had thrown a party for all of his friends and coworkers, and that's how he actually got to have a real conversation with Gus Silverman. His father was Naomi's boss at the time, and Cas didn't have much to talk about to him other than soccer.

Gus' father, Zachariah, fall in love with Cas immediately and was quick to pair his son with Cas after finding out his preferences (thanks to his lovely mother) Cas wasn't the nice kid he is today, and his mother was the one who actually yelled at him to at least smile. That's how Zachariah remembers him now. The nice kid who wants to be a doctor when he grows up.

After that particularly awkward party, Cas had avoided Gus like the plague, but with a small high school like his, Gus found a way to get him to go in a date with him.  
The high school found out almost immediately and Cas liked how he stopped being the dumped kid to being in one of the most popular couple on school.

Cas couldn't complain. He had everything a seventeen years old boy could want.

He spends the day laying on his bed, the pillow tight against his chest.

He doesn't think about Dean.

****

 

He kisses Gus hard on the mouth before he can even say anything. Cas woke up with a clear mission on his mind that Wednesday.

He'll pretend everything is fine.

"Weren't you sick yesterday?" Gus asks, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

"It was just a stomach bug, honey, nothing to worry about." Cas says, his voice unrecognizably sweet.

"Honey?" Gus asks as he starts the car.

Cas smiles proudly.

He didn't have any nicknames for Gus, mostly because he hated the idea of calling anyone other than their names. He though honey would be fitting-- maybe.

Gus had every nickname for him --Baby, Babe, Blue, C, Love-- so Cas could think of one nickname for him.

Sweetheart comes into his mind before he can stop it.

Sometime, over the course of the last two months they'd spend together, Dean began calling him differently. At first, it was the usual sarcasm that spurts out of his mouth every so often, but then it started happening in the mornings, when they were wrapped around each other, both too sleepy to wake up, Dean stopped using sarcasm and his voice was sweet and quiet as they talk.

Sweetheart was Cas' favorite. Dean said it often enough for Cas to not even notice when it happened, and Charlie had heard Dean said it by accident a few times.

It was the way he said it that had Cas smiling like an idiot.

"You have to do it like this, sweetheart."

"Be careful with that, sweetheart"

"Don't worry, sweetheart, it'll be fine."

It made Cas feel--

"Why are you smiling?" Gus asks, seeing Cas get lost on his thoughts.

"What?" Cas shakes his head "Nothing."

Great. The day had just started and Cas is already thinking about Dean and lying to his boyfriend.

"You coming today?" Gus asks, and Cas has to dig into his brain to remember what exactly they were doing today. "Seriously, Cas? I told you yesterday!"

"You mean the football game? I thought it's just a friendly one, you never invite me to those." Cas says. He hates going to his games, he not only had to pretend he care but comfort Gus every time he loses. It was exhausting to hear him talk about it over and over again.

"It is, but I'm playing against Winchester' team today, and I'm planning on killing them." Gus says, his smile is malicious when he looks at Cas.

Cas stares at the window shield, Gus is already parking the car. "I have practice with Drama Club"

"So? That's two hours before the game." Gus is not in the mood anymore and Cas calculates his answer as they walk into school.

"Fine, I'll go. I'll see you at lunch?" Cas responds, he receives a kiss on the lips before he gets left alone in front of his locker.

He feels weird again, his stomach is empty even though he'd ate his entire breakfast.

Cas doesn't wait for Charlie or Kevin and heads early to the classroom. He knows Charlie would probably have a whole interrogation on why he'd missed the second day of school. He imagines Kevin making comments about homework and responsibilities, with a good amount of; we need to get into college, Cas!

When Cas steps into the classroom he's pretty sure the universe is out to get him.

Dean is standing in front of Professor Montana, and neither of them seem to be aware of his presence.

"Well, I'm very glad to have you back, Dean" The woman says with a smile. Cas tries to be quiet while rushing to his seat. "Cas! Good morning."

"Good morning, Professor Montana." Cas recites, his eyes avoiding Dean at all coasts.

He sits down on his usual seat and pretends to be busy as he pulls out his Spanish books.

"Charlie told me you weren't feeling great yesterday." Dean informs Cas, sitting next to him, where Meredith usually sits. Cas really wants to be annoy by this, but he can't exactly stand her or her constant need to answer every question the teacher asks. It gives him a headache.

"Why are you still talking to me?" Cas turns to him angrily, and he notices then, that Dean is impossible gorgeous.

It's not something he didn't know before, just that now that he was purposely trying to forget he exists, Cas seems hyper aware of the way he looks, the way he smells, and, god, the way he talks in the mornings.

The teacher begins the class before Dean can answer, and so they stay quiet. Cas can feel the tension growing between them, and he is afraid to answer any question the teacher had, fearing his voice would break.

When she finally leaves them with their work, Cas immediately begins writing down. He is two minutes into his work when he realizes none of the things he wrote made any sense.

He was suppose to write a paragraph about his five year plan, which he could easily write an essay on it, but Spanish confuses him, and he's ashamed to admit he hadn't even pick up a book in Spanish since before summer.

"You still want to be a doctor?" Dean asks Cas after a while, letting his pencil down and focusing on him.

"Yes." Cas says, his voice hoarse. He sees the smile forming on the other's face, but he can't form his own. After seeing that Dean won't stop looking at him, he asks, "You still want to be a firefighter?"

"Yeah." Dean stares at Cas' stone cold look and shakes his head. "Can we, please, talk?"

"No." Cas whispers, his eyes going around the room, trying to find if anyone is listing to them.  
"Listen, we're fine. I was just--exaggerating yesterday. You're friends with my friends and I don't see why we wouldn't get along."

Cas had spend all night trying to come up with that lie. He can't believe he actually thought it was any good.

"Well, I'm not fine with it. Can you stop trying to control everything for two seconds and let me talk?" Dean's irritation is palpable, and Cas' blood starts rushing.

"Fuck off." Cas spills before he can think about it. He can hear the silence in the room.

"Novak?" The teacher sounds genuinely confuse.

"Oh." Cas can't believe this is happening. "I'm so sorry, I don't know why I said that."

"Bullshit." Dean whispers under his breath, and is that a smirk on his face?

"It won't happen again, I'm truly sorry." Cas hates himself more than he ever did.

Not because he apologized for something he didn't feel one ounce of sorry for, he can do that on his sleep, but because Dean was there to hear it.

Cas is able to hear his own fakeness, his own pathetic voice now that Dean is sitting next to him. He feels embarrassed and for the first time in years, he asks himself when did he become the person he hates the most.

He knows why and how, and when-- but he can't think about that.

Cas doesn't talk to him after that, Dean tries again right before the bells rings, but Cas stands up quickly and leaves for his next class.

He doesn't see Dean again until lunch. He is sitting in front of Charlie and Kevin, he seems to be having fun with them.

His phone rings loudly as he sits in one of the empty tables. The entire cafeteria turns to see him, but Dean's eyes are the only ones that stare at him during the short conversation.

"Hey, sorry, babe, I'm at the library with Sophia and Dave, I forgot to do my homework for Ms Harvelle, she'll kill me if I don't have it." Gus whispers, the sound of moving papers and books confirming his excuse.

"This is our third day of school, Gus, you're already behind?" Cas wants to laugh, but Gus doesn't like it when he makes fun of him. Even if he isn't.

"Maybe because someone didn't help me do it." Gus comes back, and Cas almost shivers.

"I was sick." Cas whispers, still feeling Dean's eyes on him. "Don't worry, I'll see you at the field tonight."

"Bye." Is all Gus says. He barely has time to get angry before he hears Charlie calling for him.

"Hey, stranger, where were you yesterday?" Charlie asks suspiciously.

Cas has no other option but to sit down next to Dean, but he's still determined to ignore him.

"I was sick-- I'm fine now." Cas plays with his juice box as he answers, why is he having a bad time looking at her in the eyes?

"Something you ate?" Dean asks innocently.

"Maybe someone tried to poison me." Cas says, admiring his sad salad in front of him.

"I can't imagine someone who could do something like that." Dean takes a big bite of his sandwich before he talks again. "Maybe you should try being nicer."

Kevin and Charlie laugh, and Cas can't help a smile. He is just having a decent conversation with his friends at lunch, and Dean happens to be there. Cas can handle that.

"Or, someone should stop putting ten pounds of mayonnaise on everything." Cas smiles widely at Dean's expression.

"Or, you should remember to bring your own lunch, genius." Dean's eyes flicker, and Cas can't look away, his smile never leaving his face.

"You guys had lunch without us?" Kevin asks suddenly bringing Dean and Cas back to the present.

Charlie is smiling like crazy, and Cas can only imagine what she must be thinking.

"Yeah, we did it outside." Dean says, his eyes focusing on his sandwich again. Kevin giggles "Yes, Kev, we also had sex."

Charlie spits out juice and laughs, Kevin has his mouth hanging open.

"No, we didn't, we had lunch." Cas is grinding his teeth, staring at Dean angrily. He tried to be friendlier but of course Dean had to fucked it up.

"They know it's a joke, sweetheart." Dean chuckles. Cas' heart clench at the sound of his nickname.

Nobody seemed to be able to talk. Dean tries to save the conversation again, "Are you gonna eat that or would you rather have your sandwich?"

Dean pulls out a zip bag from his bag pack and leaves it on the table, Cas can tell his cheeks are red. Dean didn't meant to call him that, and somehow that makes it all worse.

"You really made him lunch?" Charlie's voice is pure surprise, and Kevin looks at it hungrily. "That explains why he used to forget his lunch regularly after you left. I thought his mother had stopped feeding him or something--"

Kevin kicks her under the table to stop her, and she closes her mouth as soon as she sees Dean's face. He looks guilty, sad and for some reason even angry.

Cas can't stand it.

"I'm sorry, I--" Charlie begins saying, desperately trying to apologize.

"Leave it." Cas says aggressively, and can't bring himself to change his tone "You can have the sandwich, Kevin. I'm late anyway."

"Cas, please--" Charlie calls for him as he stands up.

The rest of the cafeteria is looking at them, and they can't be seen fighting.

"It's fine, Char, you know how Ty gets if I'm late." Cas tries to control his voice. He takes his bag pack and leaves the cafeteria.

He doesn't want to be here right now. This is all Dean's fault.

****

Cas is sweating, his legs are about to give out and if Colleen talks to him again, he'll scream.

"Alright, guys, we can do this!" Ty yells from the front. "One more time and we'll go home."

They all moan in unison. Cas can't believe he has to do this stupid dance again.

Colleen smiles at him again, Cas makes an effort to smile back at her but fails miserable and turns out more like a mock. He is not in the mood for anything, especially singing and dancing around to a song he doesn't even like.

Ty yells once more, and the song begins playing in the background.

Cas remembers when Ty contacted him late in July, telling him about his bright idea of using Peter Pan as an inspiration this year. Cas hates Peter Pan, but couldn't say no at the moment, the amount of weed he had on his system made it impossible to even remember who exactly that kid was.

Now, as he looks into Colleen's eyes and sings with a passion he'd never even felt in his life, he would very much like to shove Ty into a toilet.

The trough of doing that makes him smile a little.

"Castiel, focus!" Ty yells at him from somewhere at his left.

He can hear someone laughing but can't find out who while trying to grab into Colleen's arm.

The song ends and maybe Cas is a little rude and almost pushes her off. The cast applauds distractingly and Ty is about to say something else when everyone realizes someone is still clapping.

"Awesome!" Dean smiles from the seats.

"Excuse me, who are you?" Colleen yells, her hands on her hips, at the same time Ty lets out a squeal.

"Dean Winchester! Oh my God-- did Hailee let you in?"

And that's all Cas can take before his body begins moving on its own. He jumps from the stage and it's a surprise he isn't hurt by it.

Dean looks as surprised when he sees Cas walk towards him. He ignores Ty's warnings on the importance of stretching and grabs Dean's wrist to pull him into the back of the theatre. He makes sure he is still in sight but they're not hear by anyone. He can't deal with rumors after this already horrible day.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Cas asks, his heart still pounding from the rehearsal.

"I wanted to see you again." Dean says, his hands coming up to Cas' face to wipe off a fluff on his chin.

"Don't. Do that." Cas says, and Dean smiles. "We saw each other an hour ago."

"I meant I wanted to see you in a play again, dummy." Dean says softly. His eyes flickering through Cas' face. "I can't believe you gotten even better."

"You should of waited until December and buy a ticket like everyone else." Cas tells him, staring back into the stage.

He needs to tell him to go away, that he doesn't want him near and he sure as fuck doesn't need him intruding into his rehearsals. Expect that he can't bring himself to let him go. The compliment sits in his stomach and Cas can't help the blush that creeps into his cheeks.

Dean used to be the only one invested in his acting, even more than his family, and he was the first one to come to his play. He remembers vividly the day Dean brought him flowers after his first play of the last year they spend together.

He stares again at the man in front of him.

"How did they let you in?" Cas gives up on pretending he can continue to stand up without his legs shaking. He sits down on the wall and begins stretching.

Dean sits really close to him, and Cas now can't open his legs enough to even get to stretch. He ends up crossing his legs and rubbing his hands against his face.

"Professor Missouri remembered me and let me in." Dean chuckles at Cas' expression. "You're surprised? I used to drop you off and pick you up from her classes. She used to call me Lover Boy, remember? You told me I should get it tattoo--"

"Stop." Cas begs.

Because it hurts, and it's only been two days, but Cas is tired and just wants the pain and the memories to stop.

Cas hears the people beginning to leave the room, and he now realizes that no one can look at them anymore now that they are sitting, and they all probably think they left.

"Hey, Cas, look at me." Dean pleads at him, and Cas shakes his head. He brings his knees against himself and tries desperately to protect himself.

"Cas, sweetheart, we have to talk. You need to listen to me."

"I don't want to. I don't care" Cas lies.

"Don't lie to me. I know you, even if you think I don't, I do. For example, I know you don't like this play, I know you don't like the girl, I know you got into something with Ty."

"No, I didn't. He yells too much, he gives me headaches." Cas is whispering, and he is staring at Dean's eyes without thinking of anything else. "And-- Colleen confessed me that she's into me last year and now I'm uncomfortable."

Dean laughs and Cas lets out a yawn. He hasn't slept well since Sunday, and he thinks he is going insane because the longer he stares at Dean, the longer he wants to go to bed. Maybe he was being too obvious about it, because Dean moves in front of him, his legs to the sides of Cas' body.

"Are we gonna talk about it now?" Dean asks, his voice soft, Cas has a difficult time trying to control his arms from reaching for Dean.

"You have a game now, you should go." Cas tells him, and he finally can stop looking at him. He focuses on his hands, picking up his cuticles anxiously.

"I won't leave until we talk about it--" Dean clicks his tongue and grabs one of Cas' hand "Stop doing that, Cas, you're making me nervous."

Dean's hands had always felt warm and familiar, and the ghost of his hands on his hips --everywhere-- plays back on his head. It hurts.

"Did you miss me?" Cas asks without wanting to.

He can feel Dean's hand close around his, and both of their breathing are off.

"Of course I did." Dean says, his hands leaving Cas' and grabbing his face. "More than you can imagine."

His fingers are warm and Cas leans into them, his legs crossing back, giving Dean more space to get closer.

"I missed you like hell, Cas." Dean says again, and his face is closer to Cas' "More than I missed your bed."

Cas stares into his eyes again, but the pain only grows and multiplies, he wants Dean to touch him more, but he is too tired, and Dean hurts him too much. He has other questions he wants an answer for, he just can't bring himself to ask.

Knowing that Dean had missed him did nothing to ease the tightness on his chest.

"Cas?" Dean tries to bring him back to him. "Did you miss me?"

Cas thinks about the last few days.

"Yes." Cas tries to swallow the lump on his throat. "But now I wish you never came back."

Cas gets up with some trouble. His eyes are stinging a little, and his legs hadn't been stretch properly. He needs to head back to his dressing room and find his mat.

"Alright." Dean says, his voice going back to normal again. Cas can't believe he is able to do that after what he just said. "I'll see you on the field today. Make sure you kiss your boyfriend good luck, he'll need it."

Cas closes his eyes. He still can't believe how Dean is capable to just brush off everything he says.

"Cas?" Dean calls, he's still standing too close, and Cas can't be bother to move. He licks his lips and raises his eyebrow. "I really missed you, sweetheart."

Cas wants to stay angry, he really does.

"So you do like the nice version of me, then?" Cas smiles.

"How would I know? I've never met the guy." Dean gets closer to him, and Cas can't remember what he was supposed to do. "See ya, Cas."

*****

Cas sits on the benches near the entrance of the stadium, he can see the field perfectly from there, with Bobby almost a few meters apart. He doesn't care as long as Gus sees he's there and didn't fail him.

He is still tired after a half an hour nap, and he can't shake off Dean out of his mind.

He barely hears what Charlie and Kevin are saying.

"Cas, which team are you cheering for?" Kevin asks, Charlie laughs.

"For Gus's, of course." Cas responds. But the reality is that he doesn't care, he'll probably yell a little just to please Gus and then go home.

His face crunches when the voice on his head laughs and says: That's exactly how the sex goes too!

The three of them stay quiet as they wait for the teams to show up. Cas is falling asleep on his chair, and Charlie has to shake him so he can see Gus's entrance. The crowd cheers loudly, Cas looks back and sees almost the entire school behind him.

Cas grunts, he can't believe someone would be stupid enough to come to this game, it's just a friendly one and nobody really wins anything other than a few bruises.

Cas wants to go home.

"YES, LET'S GO DEAN!" Charlie yells from her seat when his team comes into the field. Cas doesn't care enough to call her out for her obvious stab in the back.

He doesn't yell for Gus, his throat hurts a little.

The game begins when Bobby blows the whistle from his bench, it's clear he doesn't want to be there either.

Gus is the first to have the ball and pass it along to Alistair, Alistair to Lia, Lia to-- Benny has the ball now and he's quick to pass to Fernard. The kid has it for only a moment before Justin takes it from him. Justin makes the mistake to try and pass it towards Hart, who is right behind Dean.  
Dean is in possession of the ball, and as Cas knows well, he'll try and pass it to Benny only for him to pass it back to him and--

"FOUL!"Cas yells from the tops of his lungs.

Alistair had come from behind Dean and tried to kick the ball from between his legs. Dean is still on the ground when Bobby goes running to him.

Cas knows he's fine, Dean, the overdramatic asshole, does this every time. He pretends he is hurt just so the referee, or on this case Bobby, could give them a free kick.

Bobby doesn't and Cas drops into his chair, grinding his teeth. That was a very clear foul.

"Cheez, I thought you were tired, Cas." Kevin says, both of them holding back a laugh.

Cas thanks the gods nobody else seemed to notice his yelling. He makes sure it doesn't happen again.

The goalkeeper has the ball and passes it easy back to Grey, who passes it to Benny, and he loses it with Justin again. Justin passes it to Alistair-- and he loses it with Weber, who passes it to Grey again, who passes it to Benny-- who almost doesn't make it close enough for Dean, Dean passes it to Ramirez, who passes it back to him, and now Dean is the one in possession of the ball, and he's dribbling towards the goal, he kicks as soon as he enters the box and--

"YOU IDIOT! WHO TOUGHT YOU HOW TO KICK A BALL, WINCHESTER?" Cas yells again, his hands are on his head, and Charlie and Kevin are turning red from trying to stop their laughter.

This time, even the players heard him, and he sees Gus and Alistair laughing hysterically at Dean.

But Dean has a smile from ear to ear, and to Cas' bad luck, Dean gives him a thump up.

Cas melts into his chair and tries to ignore the heat coming from his cheeks.

They used to trained together all the time. Either with boxing or soccer, Cas was always yelling at Dean to do better. After a while, Dean would actually ask him to yell at him.

"C'mon! I need motivation, you dumbass! I don't care what you say. I can barely hear it anyway." Dean said when Cas'd stopped in the middle of training, voicing his worries about the yelling.

The game resumes and Cas gets distracted by it. Alistair is in the possession of the ball now, he passes it to Gus, who passes it to-- No, Ramirez has it again, and then Weber--Justin takes it from him and--

"Corner!" Cas says, pointing at Justin unnecessary.

"Novak, for the love of God, shut up!" Bobby says, and Cas' ears turn red. "Corner!"

The game continues without any more improving for another 20 minutes, and Cas can feel his hands sweating as he keeps yelling and trying to ignore Charlie stupid giggles.

He can tell the players are tired too, and the game is getting really boring to watch.

He stares at the ball as its being pass to Alistair and then Hart, then to Tulips and then-- Benny has it again, and he's running like a mad man towards the box, Cas can tell what he is doing and is quick to look for Freddie, the left winger, and finds him already waiting. Cas gets up from his seat.

"C'mon, C'mon!" He yells, his hands clapping. He can't hear anything as he sees Dean take the ball from Freddie-- there's three players already marking him, and Dean has a hard time keeping the ball to himself.

"C'MON, YOU FUCKING IDIOT, USE YOUR LEGS, THEY'RE BEND NOT BROKEN!"

Cas covers his mouth with an audible gasp. He can hear the people laughing behind them, Kevin seems to be crying.

"Oh my God, Cas." Charlie says in between laughter.

Cas looks back at Dean and he sees him passing the ball through the open legs of Villocs, and runs towards it. His feet hits the ball at the perfect angle.

Cas doesn't celebrate the goal, he just smiles widely and sits back, breathing normally again. He can see Gus is pissed already, and him celebrating won't make things easier.

The game is cut after five more minutes of angry playing.

"Time!" Bobby yells and the players stop, going back to the bleachers. Cas sees Dean smiling and laughing with his team. He is happy, and Cas feels proud.

"What was that about, babe?" Gus asks him when Cas goes to him.

"I was just making fun of him." Cas says, his voice hoarse from yelling. He tries to be sweet but his body is still full of adrenaline, and would rather just go back and watch the game than talk to Gus.

"Well, don't." Gus's voice is hard and Cas takes a step back. "He seems to get off on it."

"That's ridiculous." Cas says, but his mind shoots images of Dean smiling stupid as Cas continues to yell half angry half encouraging.

His head also seemed connected straight to his crotch, given the new images that his mind provide him after.

"Sorry, you're playing amazing, though." Cas congratulated, and without much thinking, he goes in for a kiss.

Gus immediately takes his head into his hands and Cas hates it. He doesn't want to kiss him anymore, but Gus is gripping him hard into place.

When they separate, Dean is out of his head but it's only replace by an ugly feeling in his stomach.

He comes back into his bench, he tries to find something to say but Charlie seems pissed all of the sudden and Kevin is looking at his hands, biting his lips.

Cas stares straight into the field and finds Dean's eyes, they look sad and he doesn't smile. Cas just want to go home.

The game begins again, and the players seem more motivated.

Alistair is running faster behind Grey, and Cas can admit how good he is at playing, except that Dean is way better and gets the ball before he can. He passes it to Benny, and he passes it to Weber who passes it to Hitcher-- who passes it to their goalkeeper, Viktor, and he passes it to Keyler, who makes an excellent pass to Benny, Benny to Freddie and then there's Dean, waiting for it, Freddie takes his time with it before he passes it to Dean, who doesn't see the leg flying towards him until is too late.

The entire public begins shouting, but Cas is louder.

"PENALTY!"

Bobby goes running to the field, and after a few seconds he pulls out a yellow card.

"THAT WAS A PENALTY, BOBBY, WHAT THE FUCK?" Cas is pissed and he is walking towards him before he can stop himself. He hasn't yell at Coach Bobby since he was thirteen and to his defense, his vocabulary wasn't as different.

"You wanna get kick out, boy?" Bobby says coming back from the field. The players are still complaining, Benny can't stop cursing.

"Dean didn't even had the ball, Bobby! It was a clear one!" Cas yells from two meters apart.

"Novak, get off my ass." Bobby rolls his eyes. Cas knows he doesn't care about any of this, and Dean is most likely exaggerating his injury, but Cas doesn't like when people play dirty like that.

"Oh, c'mon, what the--" Cas' voice is pure anger and his eyebrows seem to be as close as they never been before.

"Cas, drop it, the old man can't see from far, you know?" Dean mocks, and Bobby huff. "I'm fine, nothing's wrong."

"And why the fuck would my boyfriend care about that?" Gus asks coming from the crowd of players.

"Because his legs are worth more than yours." Benny had stop cursing apparently. Gus comes up to him with his fist already on his side, Dean gets in the way.

Bobby starts yelling before things could escalate.

"Keep it up and I'll suspend your asses." Booby yells and everyone stays quiet, "Everyone back on the field. Winchester, you ok? Good. Silverman, drop the attitude. Novak, I see you here one more time and I'll make sure you never graduate. C'mon, we have to play for four more minutes now. Idjits."

The game continues and Cas barely pays attention to anything else. He tries to see if Dean is limping, but he seems fine as he runs after Grey.

Cas had stop yelling, and has been resign into grunting and whispering.

Gus makes a goal, and Cas is sure to yell at that one. He doesn't want him to be angrier at him.  
Charlie is the one yelling for Dean, but Cas can tell Dean is not into the game anymore.

He has some insults that would work like a charm on him, but he doesn't want to upset Gus more.

What is he thinking? He shouldn't want to yell for Dean because he is not his boyfriend.

Cas just wants to go home.

The game ends in a match.

  
*****

 

"Well, I had fun." Kevin says as they leave the field. "But only in the first half, I think."

"That was because of Cas, Kev." Charlie laughs, Cas rolls his eyes.

"I was just bored, and the game was kind of interesting." Cas says, his chin up to look for Gus.

Charlie snorts a chuckle.

"And that was because of Dean." Charlie responds.

"I have to find Gus, excuse me." And Cas gets lost in the crowd.

He makes it to the locker room and waits for him, he doesn't have to stay much before he sees Gus storming out.

"Oh, I was gonna look for you." Gus doesn't seem surprised, and his tone is monotonous. He is not in a good mood. "I'll take a shower and meet you in the parking, alright?"

Cas nods, it's not like it was an actual question. He just expects Cas to do so without a word.  
He pulls out his phone and headphones and decides to take the other exit to avoid the crowd. He doesn't feel guilty that he's also attempting to avoid his best friends.

He only makes it to Ms Harvelle's classroom before he hears footsteps coming from in front of him. Cas is quick to hide inside of the classroom, putting the lock on.

Cas regrets every decision he's ever made when he hears Dean and Charlie's voice stop right in front of the door.

"So, where is he now?" Dean asks, and Cas can't see him but hears the smile on his voice.

"He left with Gus, I think." Charlie says, and then there's silence. "I'm sorry, Dean"

"It's fine. I can talk to him tomorrow." Dean sounds enthusiastic and Cas drags himself down the door, once again sitting and wrapping himself together.

"Dean, what are you doing?" Charlie asks quietly, and neither of them needs clarify. "Why don't you just tell him the truth? And it's not because I'm desperate to know too--" Charlie quickly says, and Cas tilts his head in confusion. "I have to admit I don't understand why don't you tell us."

"Because he needs to know first." Dean's voice is soft, and Cas' heart stops when he hears him closer. They were sitting together, back to back, and Cas couldn't help tilting his head back.

"Why?" Charlie asks again. "Maybe if we knew, we could help you--"

"No, Charlie, he needs to hear it from me and only from me. He deserves to know before anyone, and it's nothing against you or Kevin or Benny or anyone." He pause a second, Cas can hear his smile. "But it's not exactly a secret that he's my favorite, is it?"

Cas' heart is reaching a dangerous speed.

"He got you that bad, Winchester? You only been here for three days."

"God, Charlie, are you blind? It hurts how hot he is. When we were young, I mean, I knew he was pretty but I wasn't into him like that." Cas frowns. "I mean, I was, but not-- like this. I wanted to be with him because he was amazing. But now-- Charlie, hormones fucking suck."

Both of them laugh again and Cas tries to compose himself. He's breathing heavily and his hands are sweating.

"I think he likes you too." Charlie whispers. Cas hangs his mouth open, anger crosses his mind.

Charlie just stabbed him in the back without much thought.

"He never looked at Gus the way he looks at you, I'll tell you that. And the way he acted today? He barely even cared for any of Gus's games before." Charlie is smiling and Cas almost wishes he'd never gotten her tickets for the comic con.

"I can't believe he's with that asshole. Why did you let him do that, Char?" Dean asks, Cas hears him huff, exasperated.

"I didn't think he was that bad at first-- but, yeah, he's pretty bad."

"How bad?" Dean's voice is serious. Cas mind goes blank for a few seconds.

"I don't know, just a little too douchy for him," She answers, "but I guess nobody could picture him with anyone other than you, either."

"Damn, we were that close all the time?" Dean asks, his voice is barely a whisper when he talks again. "You know, I can't help but think he's still-- mine. I could see us together-- He was the only one that--"

"Dean--"

But Dean couldn't hear her anymore, and Cas can imagine him closing his eyes.

"Everything is my fault. I made him believe-- Christ, Charlie, sometimes I think about stopping, you know?-- leaving him to move on with his life and his boyfriend. But then he looks at me, and I swear, I can't leave him. As long as he keeps looking at me like that, I'll keep trying to get him back. Because, damn, he is worth everything."

*****

Cas makes sure they are gone before he gets up and leaves the room. He steps out of the school slowly, the day is cloudy and Cas' headache is starting to get worse.

He gets to the car and tries to listen to whatever Gus is chanting about, but all is white noise.

Times seems to fly pass him, he remembers getting into Gus's house, say hello to his mother, barely texting Chuck to let him know where he was.

He doesn't feel anything as Gus touches him, and he can barely getting into the bed. Gus moans sound distant, his voice is a whisper. When Gus pulls out, he doesn't bother to get Cas off. Probably his way of expressing his anger.

Gus lays next to him, his eyes already close, and Cas is grateful that Gus is not into cuddling. He puts on his t-shirt, his chest feels tight.

It's too strong, and the memories only get louder and louder. Gus is already snoring next to him.

Cas gets to the bathroom and locks himself in it. His hands are on his hair as he sits on the toilet.

_"Why would you do that? Answer me, Castiel!" Gabe had shouted, shaking his shoulders._

_"I've never been so disappointed on anyone, Castiel, I hope you know that." His father had whispered, barely looking at his son._

_"Just so you know, if it were for me, you would be rotting in there." A cop had told him while they were doing the paper work._

_"I give you everything, and this is how you pay me?" Gus is trying to control his rage but Cas is already on the ground, his lip bleeding. "You're worthless."_

 

Cas doesn't sleep at all that night, the secrets and lies eating him alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean is not the only one with secrets. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it! I'll try to update every weekend.  
> Also, In case you wonder Dean is number 10 (Forward) 
> 
> I'm Argentine it's my culture to yell and cry over a friendly game, alright? i grew up next to boys screaming like Cas, shout out to them, I guess
> 
>  
> 
> Anyway, Let me know what you think! Thank you for reading.


	4. Chapter 4

Cas doesn't talk to Dean again for the rest week. He's glad that they don't seem to share any other class than Spanish. 

He has lunch with Gus everyday, and he makes sure it seems like he has fun while doing so. 

On friday, Alistair and Gordon decide to sit with them at lunch to talk about next week's game. Gordon doesn't play on the team, and Cas has to stop himself from asking what he is doing on their table. 

He would love to make a comment about Gordon and Alistair's relationship, knowing how much of a homophobic assholes they both are, no matter how hard they pretend not to be.

Mid conversation, Cas' eyes drift towards his friend's table. Benny, Viktor and Freddie join in with Charlie, Kevin and Dean. Cas feels nostalgia creeping in. 

When they were younger, Cas and Dean made sure that Charlie and Kevin met with their other friends, and surprisingly, they got along even without having anything in common. 

Cas remembers vividly the day Dean tried to prank Benny and ended up with pasta on his own jeans. Everyone laughed at his red cheeks when Cas tried to clean it off him, he also remembers the soft smile Dean gave him afterwards. 

Cas shakes his head at the memory, and before he can turn back to Gus, he sees Dean staring back at him, his fork midway to his mouth. 

"What do you think, Cas?" Gus asks him, ignoring the small interaction his boyfriend just had with Dean./p>

"It's fine." He answers, not knowing what the question was. 

"Great, double date it is!" Alistair says, a nasty smile on his face. Cas hates it. He's had a headache all morning, and the last thing he wants to do on the evening was hang out with Alistair.

"You coming out?" Cas couldn't help asking, staring at Gordon, a malicious smile on his own face. "Congratulations! I think Alistair is a great fit for you."

"What the fuck did you just said?" Gordon stand ups, his face red and his shoulders shaking.

Cas licks his lips, his smile never leaving his face. He stands up, a little slower, and he's strangely happy that he has everyone attention as he talks loudly again. 

"What? I'm not supposed to say anything? I though everyone knew." 

The cafeteria is quiet, and Cas has a satisfied smile on his face, that is until he feels a strong hand grabbing on his forearm. 

"What is your issue?" Gus whispers as he pulls him away from them. Cas stiffens under his touch. 

They leave the cafeteria and only take a few more steps before Gus explodes again. 

"He meant him and Ruby, you idiot! What's wrong with you, why would you say that?" 

"It was supposed to be a joke. He's the idiot for thinking being gay is wrong, Gus. He is a homophobic asshole, and you know it." Cas says, his hands gripping his own shirt to stop his hands shaking. Cas doesn't know why exactly he had acted the way he did, but he'd be lying if he says he didn't enjoy it. 

"So? It's not his fault." Gus almost whispers, people are coming out of the room as the bell begins to ring.

"What? Yes, it is." Cas says, his anger filling up his head. "We're gay, Gus, and he hates us. You know they do, then why are you even talking to them?" 

"It's not their fault that we were born the wrong way, Cas." Gus is barely talking through his teeth, but Cas can't help the anger that escapes from his mouth.

"There's nothing wrong with me!" 

The entire school seemed to be present in that moment, and the silence that follow his words seems eternal. 

"Oh, there's something really wrong with you." Gus doesn't bother to lower his voice anymore, his eyes lit with rage. "Or do I need to remind you, Castiel?"

Cas inhales sharply, his eyes winking rapidly before he drops his head, ashamed. His eyes sting and he closes his mouth shut in case it gets him in more trouble. 

"Hey, I'll see you after school, alright?" Gus takes his chin up and kisses his lips gently. Even that seems to scare Cas. 

He nods and walks off to his next class. His eyes never leave the floor as he walks past the people gather to witness their fight. He tries to ignore everyone but Charlie's voice still find its way to his ears. 

"Dean, don't, you're gonna get in trouble. Stop." 

Cas turns on his feet and follows her voice, he can still feel eyes following him through the hall. 

He sees Viktor, Freddie and Benny pulling Dean back fom his shirt, who is facing at the direction of Gus, trying to stop him. Nobody noticed yet that he was there. He wants to reach out to Dean. He feels the need deep in his bones, and his chest tightens. He clears his throat loudly, and he finds that his words are coming out a little shaky when he talks. 

"Charlie? I need you to--" His voice breaks for a second. He can tell the guys had stop holding Dean and are staring at him with pity eyes. 

It helps him to stop thinking about his childish needs and focus on his anger again. 

He turns his face into a cold one. "I need you to help me with something."

Charlie nods quickly and sends a smile back to the guys. "I'll see you tomorrow, Kev."

He turns around before anyone has any chance to say anything else. Charlie stays closer to his side, and again, he can hear Benny say:

"Dude, leave him, you'll just upset him more."

He walks faster, and doesn't stop until they reach his locker. He tries to breath in and out, feeling the panic building up on him, he closses his eyes and puts his forehead on the cold surface of the locker.

Charlie stays quiet as she watches Cas try to breathe normally again.

"How much did you heard?" He asks as he turns around, his body still pressed against the wall. 

"We heard you saying there was nothing wrong with you, and then we heard Gus lying." Charlie recites, its the first time Cas has seen her pissed off enough to put on a serious face. 

"He wasn't lying." Cas whispers, closing his eyes and dropping his head back onto the wall. 

"What? Of course he was! There's nothing wrong with you." Charlie almost begs at him, getting closer. 

"You don't know what--" Cas begins saying, getting away from the wall with difficulty.

"Bullshit. We all know who you are, and you, Castiel Novak, are one of the best people on this friking planet." Charlie says, and finally smiles. 

"Just because I smile everyday doesn't mean shit--" Cas says, his eyes stinging again. The memories coming back again.

"You like to act like I wasn't here before you were--" she gesture at him "this. But I was there, and you're still as amazing as you were before, Cas. Even behind all that fake bullshit you pull."

"You're calling me fake?" Cas blinks quickly.

"Yes. Because you act like it, and I was okay with it, you went through shit-- and I almost bought it, all this fakeness, but then Dean came back, and now you act like the Cas I knew, and dude, you're awesome and--"

"Right. Dean." Cas says bitterly. "You prefer when Dean is around, got it."

"What? Dude, no! You two are my friends, and Dean is not competing with you, believe me." Charlie is frowning and Cas is biting his tongue, trying to compose himself. 

"So, you're still friends with him-- after what he did to us? I was there, Charlie, I know how much you suffered. He left us all and you just forgive him?" Cas asks, his voice raising, and he is thankfull everyone is back in class. 

"It's not me who you're angry at, and it's not Dean either." Charlie warns him with a look.

"Is everything about Dean now?" Cas asks, his voice breaking. "Is that who you choose?" 

"Choose? There's nothing to choose from, Cas!" He can see she is about to cry, her eyes filling with tears. "He is not doing anything, he just wants to talk to you!"

"You choose him." He snaps, looking at the exit of the school. "I understand. You want real friends, right?"

She is crying now. "This is because of Gus, don't blame us."

"Well, I am." Cas says, walking to the exit already. He stops and his head turns to a side, "Hey, look, I'm not being fake now."

 

****

 

He doesn't text neither Kevin or Charlie for the entire weekend. He spends it with Gus, going out to his favorites places and ignoring everything Cas wants to do. 

They have mediocre sex and then have dinner with his parents. Cas grew to ignore Zachariah and Hester's racist, ignorant and slightly homophobic conversation at dinners. But now it's becoming harder to ignore, and he spends most of the evening destroying napkins under the table, his face inexpressible. 

"Something wrong, Cas?" His mother-in-law asks, his voice disgustingly sweet. 

"Nothing's wrong, just a little headache." He fakes a smile, and tries not to think about Charlie.

After dinner, he spends it with Hester in the kitchen washing dishes, talking about self help books and reality shows. Cas pretends to cares. 

Gus and his father are on the living room, drinking beer and watching the game. Cas wonders why they never invite him to watch. 

He drinks his coffee with Hester and pretends to care, once again, that he likes to listen to whatever gossip a middle aged white woman had to say. 

They go to bed at ten on Saturday, and Gus makes sure his parents are completely asleep before he pulls out two joints from under his mattress. 

They smoke two each and it's only twelve o'clock when they get undress. Gus kissing on his neck, laying on bed lazily. 

"Gus?" Cas asks when he is beginning to pull his underwear off. 

"What?" Gus is kissing his stomach now.

"Can we-- can we switch?" Cas asks, closing his eyes when Gus's tongue reaches the head of his cock. 

"What?" Gus's eyes shoot up to look at him. "Hell no."

"Aren't you curious? I mean-- I kind of am." Cas says shyly. 

The truth is that Cas can't stop thinking about it, or dreaming more exactly. The problem is that he isn't dreaming of Gus, in his dreams, Dean is the one under him. 

Castiel wants the dreams to stop, and maybe if he gets it off his system with Gus, maybe he won't need to dream with Dean again. 

"No. I'm not doing that, that's--"

"What? Gay?" Cas asks, laughing. 

"I don't know what's funny." Gus says, his voice cold again. "I don't know what's gotten into you lately, but-- I know you like it like this, I don't wanna change it."

He doesn't let Cas answer and gets up to search for the new bottle of lube.

Cas closes his eyes for a second. He likes sex, he really does, but he knows he would enjoy a thousand times better if he was the one in control. 

"Cas, you're too tense, can you relax?" Gus rolls his eyes at him. "Listen, we talked about it, remember? You lose control easily, honey, and then bad things happen."

Cas hates the way he talks to him, but he nods anyway. He's right, he shouldn't want to have to control over anything. Especially Dean.

Gus is working him up, but he is too tense, and Gus keeps huffing in exasperation. 

"Calm down, Cas." He tells him. 

Cas closes his eyes and tries to calm himself down. His mind, trying it's best to get the job done, sending him images of Dean. At first they're innocent, the ones with Dean sleeping next to him, Cas' arm around him, or Dean under him, his face bury on his neck. 

He calms down now, and he's trying to take the images away from him, but the more Gus touches him, the more he thinks of Dean.

He thinks about their recent conversations. The way he smiles, the way he talks. He feels Dean's voice almost in his ear, calling his name over and over again. 

They only last half an hour and he comes two seconds after Gus, both of them look surprised. 

"See? You like it like this." Gus says, a proud smile on his face. Cas smiles before he turns around on the bed, swallowing down the lump on his thoat. He can't believe how close he was to moan Dean's name. 

 

*****

 

Cas ignores everyone on Monday. He can barely look at Gus in the face now that he seems to be proud to have satisfied Cas. He blushes at only the though of Dean, so he spends the entire lunch period under Gus's arm to try stop Dean from coming back to his mind. 

"What's up with the neediness?" Gus laughs. 

"I can't be with my boyfriend?" Cas asks, but he still can't look at him in the face. 

Gus laughs again and continues his conversation with Sophia and Dave. Cas can feel someone is looking at him, but he doesn't dare to look for the source.

On tuesday, he hates himself. He couldn't sleep at all that night and his teachers seem to be disappointed that he missed last week's classes. 

By lunch time, he refused to eat, cross his arms on the table and fall asleep in front of everyone. The sound of the people moving and talking helping his mind to not think about anything else.

Cas is starting to drift into a deeper sleep whe he gets woken up suddenly. He gasps loudly when he feels something wet on his face. Ice cold water dripping on his face. Gus and Alistair laughing hysterically. 

"What the fuck, Alistair?!" He yells, jumping from his seat and staring at the smirk on the boy's face. 

For the second time in a week, even the lunch lady is staring at the fight about to happen.

"It's just water, Cas, calm down." Gus says, grabbing his wrist hard enough to harm it. 

"You do that again, Allistair and I'll fucking--" Cas says, he's breathing heavely and the cold on his face is starting to make him shiver.

"What? You'll get your ex to defend you again?" Alistair mocks, and Gordon, who Cas hadn't noticed was there, starts laughing. 

"What?" Gus says, his head turning to look at Alistair and then Cas, his ears red and his throat dry. 

"Oh, you keep secrets from him, Cas?" Alistair smirks again, "that's not very nice Cas." 

"Shut the fuck up, Alistair, or I'll break your nose." Dean says, coming up besides Cas, he sees Benny and Viktor behind him. 

Cas can't tell if they came to stop Dean or to join in, in case a fight happens. 

"This doesn't concern you, Winchester." Gus says, his hand making a fist. 

"It does when they mention me, dummy." Dean answers, not taking his eyes off Alistair. 

"Dean, go, now." Cas takes a step between them, not daring to put a hand on him. "Now."

Dean seems to hesitate at first, his eyes meeting Cas' 

"Yes, Dean, go cry to your mama." Gordon says, coming up behind Alistair. "Oh, wait." 

Cas' eyes turn to Gordon, and Dean isn't joking when he says he moves like a ninja, because before anyone can see it coming, Cas throws a fist right to Gordon' eye.

Everyone starts screaming as soon as Gordon hits the floor. He barely hears them as he tries to go after him on the floor, but warm hands are quick to grab him by the waist. He lets them handle him until Dean is in front of him, trying to protect him from a very angry Alistair.

Gus seems in shock as Viktor and Benny pull off Alistair and Freddie comes into the scene to help Gordon. 

"You're a psycho, Novak! You fucking piece--" Alistair yells, trying desperately to be release.

Dean sees then two teachers storming into the cafeteria, and his body gets in the way of Cas', trying to put him out of view. Cas doesn't know what to do. 

"What is going on in here?!" One of the teachers yells, his eyes going through Alistair and Dean. 

"That little freak, Novak, punch my friend without a reason" Alistair says, finally calming down. 

"They were both provoking him!" Charlie yells from the crowd, and Cas snaps out of the shock and steps into sight.

Dean tries to catch him again. 

"I did it. Gordon and I were fighting, no one else was involved. Director's office?"

"Novak? I-- I--" Ms Hanscum had a hard time believing in what she is seeing. "Yeah, you betcha." 

"No, wait, no. It was my fault, Gordon was mocking me and--" Dean quickly took Cas' hand and pull him behind him again. "That's very noble, Winchester, but he is the one with blood on his knuckles."

Cas stares at his hands with fear. He feels the panic start in his heart, and if he doesn't get out of there quickly he'll have a panic attack in front of everyone.

"I need Gus with me." He manages to say, not looking at Dean. 

"Mr Silverman has to attempt class, Novak." Donna says, but her eyes are kind enough and Cas whispers again with desperation.

"Please, I need him." 

His hands are shaking, and he needs somone to ground him, and Gus needs to be the one doing it. He still refuses to look at Dean, he can only imagine the betray look on his face. 

"I'll go with him." Gus finally says, and his voice is scary enough to scare everyone around. Cas watches as the other teacher and Freddie take Gordon out of the cafeteria, he thinks he'll be fine. 

Donna nods, confuse, and points at the door, Cas ignores everyone. Gus doesn't even get close to him. 

They sat outside the office with Donna for a while before she finally leaves for class.

Gus's breathing is low and steady, and Cas is waiting for an abrupt loud yelling but it never comes. 

"You haven't learn anything, have you?" He whispers, his hands crunch on his tights. "You promised you wouldn't lose it again. You know how bad this is gonna look like tomorrow?" 

Cas closes his eyes. 

"I don't know what's gotten into you lately, but you better stop. You almost ruined everything the first time, don't fuck it up now." Gus is mad, really mad. "Do you need me to clarify?"

Cas shakes with fear. He remembers the taste of blood on his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, I won't do it again." Cas says, a tear he doesn't remember shedding drops onto his palm.

"Good. I didn't like doing that." Gus says, as if it was a chore he had to do. 

Cas spends half an hour with the director, trying to explain the situation the best he could. Director Mills looks at him confuse, knowing that Novak isn't the type of guy to get into trouble. She lets him out with a week of detention and a warning. She also said she'll talk to Gordon, try to convince him to not press charges. 

Cas thanked and apologized again and again, until his voice become almost a whisper. 

He is quiet after that, and nobody talks to him for the rest of his classes, even the teachers aren't paying attention to him.

He comes out of his last class and is quick to go straight to the parking lot, where he could wait for Gus on the car. 

He hears Charlie and Kevin before he sees them, when he raises his head, he sees Dean and his car in front of him, Charlie and Kevin waving next to him. 

"What did Ms Mills tell you?" Kevin asks, looking terrified. 

Cas made an efford to talk, his voice hoarse from not talking for so long. 

"One week detention and a warning." 

"Hey, that's not that bad." Charlie tries to cheer him, Cas looks down to his shoes again. 

"Not that bad? Charlie, he needs to have a clear record to get into uni." Kevin yells, and he seems truly horrify. 

"Thank you, Jiminy Cricket." Cas says, finally looking up at Kevin and rolling his eyes. 

Charlie and Dean chuckle. It hurts to listen to it, so Cas drops his head to the floor once again. 

"I have to go." Cas whispers, putting his hands on his pockes and beginning to walk away. 

"Cas, wait--" Dean tries to stop him.

Cas keeps walking with his head down and once again he hears the voice before he sees it. 

"Angel!" Sam Winchester calls out. 

Cas turns immediately to see Dean's brother run towards him. He feels the big arms around him before he can say something. The first smile of the day pulling on his face. 

"Dammit, Sam, what have you been eating?" Cas laughs, he can sense the eyes drilling on them.

"Oh, not you too. Dean's been saying the same thing since summer." Sam can't stop smiling as he talks and Cas' smile only grows as he watches the kid talk. "He built me a new library, did he tell you that? You need to come see it!" 

"Did he? That's so cool." Cas' smile drops a little but tries to push it up. For Sam. "Did you got enough books to fill it?"

"No, but I found a library near our house--" "Oh, yeah! I go there all the time, it's awesome." Cas' eyes brighten. He hasn't talk to anyone about this library, not even with Charlie or Kevin. Now he knows that's because he needed to tell Sam first. 

"I went there with Jess and--" Can can notice the blush creep on his cheeks. 

"Who's Jess?" Cas smirks when he sees Sam's eyes widen. 

"Cas? Who is this?" Gus comes up from behind him, and he can't help but jump at his voice. Sam catches on it, and steps back, a careful look on his face. Cas can see Dean moving towards them.

"My name is Sam." He says as he calculates Gus's face. 

"Hi, Sam. I'm Gus, Cas' boyfriend." Gus says, his arm around Cas' shoulders. "You're friends with Anna or Balthazar?"

"He's my brother." Dean says coming up to grab Sam's shoulder. Gus grips Cas tighter. 

"Well, nice to meet you, Sam. Let's go, Cas." Gus nods in the direction of Kevin and Charlie.

"You have a boyfriend?" Sam asks Cas, looking at him with a frown. "Why?"

"Sam, c'mon, let's go." Dean tries to pull him away. 

"Let me say goodbye to the kid, Gus." Cas says, pleading with his eyes. 

"Kid?" Sam pretends to be angry and Cas sticks out his tongue. 

Gus smiles tighly and leaves to his car. Dean stands behind Sam until he pushes him off. He nods and steps back a few inches.

"I'll see you around, Sam. It was really nice to see you again." Cas says, and it sounds like a firm goodbye, and his heart tightens again. 

"Does this means you're not coming to our house anymore?" Sam asks, he looks confuse.

Cas nods slowly and watches back towards Gus, who is waiting in the car. "I have-- I'm very busy at the moment, I hope you under--"

"It's not fair. We missed you." Sam says. He looks bigger, and his voice changed a little, but he hurts as much as Dean hurts him. 

"I know, I missed you too." Cas manages to say.

"It's not fair." Sam says again, "it wasn't our fault."

"Sam, leave him alone, c'mon, let's go." Dean calls him. He sounds weird. 

"Why couldn't you just wait? Don't you care about us anymore? We aren't important to you anymore?" Sam says angrily. "You just had to wait!"

"Sam, stop it now." Dean is getting closer, but Cas is only looking at Sam. 

"No. You have a boyfriend and other friends now, don't you? We don't matter anymore." Sam is very angry, and Cas can almost see himself on the kid. "Was Dean ever important to you or were you glad we were gone?"

"Sam. Car, now." Dean is pissed and his hand is grabbing Sam's arm and pushing him towards Kevin and Charlie. They both look sad. "I'm sorry, Cas--he is just a teenager, you know?"

Cas watches as Sam leaves to the car and he is barely containing the tears in.

"You-- you introduce that kid into my life, Dean. You made me care for him more than I care about anyone. And then you took him away." Cas swallows the lump on his throat. "I'll never forgive you for that."

He makes sure to look at Sam one last time before he turns around and walks up to Gus's car.  
He drops him off at his house after Cas complained about a headache. 

They didn't speak much, and Cas barely made himself notice when he walks into the house. 

He lays in bed the rest of the day. 

 

****

 

He spends the rest of the week alone at school. He eats lunch with Gus, but makes sure its just the two of them, and when Gus choses to eat with his friends, Cas eats his lunch outside, under a big tree, he'll rather eat on the shed next to the soccer field, but Dean knows that place and he's too scare to go anywhere near him.

By friday, he is tired and finds himself glued to Gus, even when he doesn't really want to. He'll rather be on his bed, but Gus is next best thing he can have, so he'll stick with him. He sleeps on his shoulder in lunch, and he's pretty sure everyone is starting a rumour that they got engaged, explaining why Cas seemed so in love with him lately. 

He doesn't know why it bothers him so much.

Cas didn't expect to see Charlie waiting for him at his door when he came back from Gus' house at nine. 

"Oh, thank God, I was about too leave." Charlie huff, and smiles. 

"Something happened? Is Kevin alright?" Cas' eyes open wide. "Dean?"

"They're fine, Cas. I just--" Charlie bites her lips. "I miss you."

"Oh." Is all Cas can say.

"Kevin didn't want to upset you, so he said I should tell him if you let me in." Charlie chuckles, but her eyes look scare.

"Text him. Tell him to bring chips," Cas smiles and opens the door "C'mon, it's cold."

****  
"That did not just happened." Kevin says as the credits start rolling.

"I told you this movie was shit." Cas says, taking a sip of his soda. Charlie laughs.  
The door opens then and the three of them turn to look at Gabe getting into the house. 

"Hey, nerds, it's been a while." Gabe smiles at them and goes to the kitchen "you left me something to eat, right?"

"We have pizza here!" Cas yells from the other room.

Gabe comes back with beer and sits next to them. He hands one to everyone.

"Don't tell your parents." He says with a wink. 

The four of them merge into a deep conversation of the last three weeks.

Hating on teachers, on bullys, on lunch and of course, how little they were sleeping. Cas doesn't mention that he only sleeps two hours a night, he thinks that would be a concern to them. 

Then, Gabe talks to them about the store, crazy costumers story's and stupid shit he witnesses at nightclubs when he goes to town on weekends. 

"Wait, Dean told me you aren't supposed to--" Kevin begins saying before he sees Charlie shake her head desperately.

"Dean? Your Dean?" Gabe asks Cas, "You didn't tell me he was back."

"He is." Cas says, taking a long sip of his beer. 

"Well-- we should go." Charlie says, getting up. "You need help cleaning?"

"Nope, thank you." Gabe is still looking at Cas.

They leave after an awkward goodbye and shaking hands with Gabe. 

Cas only has a few minutes of peace before Gabe storms into his room again. 

"Tell me he hasn't sleep here without me knowing." 

"He hasn't." Cas confirms while changing into his pajamas.

Gabe is the only one who knows about their sleepovers, after trying to prank him late at night and finding Dean snoring next to him.  
Cas still remembers the sex ed he got after than, the best part of that was Dean's face everytime he saw Gabe. That lasted around a month before Gabe stop the overprotective older brother act and started making jokes with Dean.  
Cas always got a chocolate bar everytime their jokes got a little too much, and maybe, Cas exaggerated his anger just to get Dean feeling bad enough to stay with him a little longer in bed.

"Why didn't you tell mom and dad that you broke it off with Gus?" Gabe asks as he sits on the foot of the bed.

"Because I didn't. He's still my boyfriend." Cas says, going into the bathroom. 

"What?" Gabe sounds surprised and Cas can't understand why. "I didn't know you were the cheating type." 

"I'm not cheating on him, Gabe, what is your problem?" Cas yells from his bathroom, trying to cut the conversation so he can brush his teeth. "Nothing is going on with Dean and I, he's not even my friend."

"What?!" Gabe slams the doos open and Cas jumps. "Is he not into you?"

Cas hates that Gabe is looking him up and down. "No! Yeah-- I think. He told Charlie that he is."

"So, you are not into him?" Gabe doubts.

"Ye-- no, I-- he is-- yes, he is fine." Cas blurps out. 

"Of course, what am I thinking? You would be into him even if he were a vampire." Gabe huff, leaning against the door frame. "So, what is the deal?"

"I'm with Gus, I'm in love with Gus." Cas says as he grabs his toothbrush and places it on his mouth. 

"Again with that bullshit, Cas? You don't love him." Gabe shakes his head and he is lucky Cas can't talk now. "Did Dean give you any explanation?"

Cas spits the toothpaste out and shakes his head. "I don't wanna hear any." 

"Oh my god, you're a huge idiot." Gabe laughs and Cas frowns. "I can't believe you."

"No, I'm not. He left. I don't need to hear his excuses." Cas says, walking out to the room again. 

"I know he hurt you, Cas. But--" Gabe continues to laugh at him. 

"You're suppose to be on my side!" Cas yells and Gabe stops laughing, staring at Cas sadly. 

"You're scared." Gabe whispers. 

"Please, go away, I want to sleep." Cas says, getting into his bed. 

"I know we haven't been really close after-- you know." Gabe tries, sitting again on the bed. "And you know I'm not a fan of Gus but I'm still here if you want to talk to me."

"Yeah, you prefer Dean, just like everyone else, got it." Cas says bitterly, staring at the ceiling. 

"Actually I don't."

"What?" Cas asks, an elbow keeping him up as he stares confused at Gabe. 

"He fucked up. Real bad." Gabe gets up and walks to the door. "He deserves to be listen, but you've got to decide whether he deserves to be forgiven. And how can you know if you never give him a chance?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing Sam and Cas's relationship is amazing, I love it. Expect more Gabe and Cas too...
> 
> Also, I really disliked writing that smut scene with Gus because he is not Dean, and even I get a little jealous over it.
> 
> I hope you like it and let me know what you think. Secrets will be revealed little by little, so, you can have all this angst meanwhile (awesome!)
> 
> Follow me on Twitter @PieandMixtapes and listen to me cry over deancas and my own fic!
> 
>  
> 
> EDIT: My phone glitch while I was editing the next chapter and I though everything got deleted, I tried to see what happened and I accidently deleted this chapter, FUN! Anyway, it hasn't change anything, but pretend it did and read it again


	5. Chapter 5

Cas spends the weekend with his grandparents. He's glad he has a good excuse to stop talking to everyone that might remind him of Dean (Gabe had to stay with the store) and he gets a nice set of pajamas he knows he'll never use.

By Monday, he feels better than he'd felt in weeks, he manages to spend the day without having to look at Dean even once. Neither of them seems to be at the same place at the same time, anyway.

October came on Wednesday and started with a horrible rain pouring down Cas' window. He's not in a good mood by the time he gets to school. He had a dream again. The first one since Friday, where Dean wears that stupid black jacket he wore on Thursday and nothing else.

He had to clean his sheets himself, fearing that Karla might find them stained.

"See you later?" Gus asks, he acts weird that morning. Cas thinks it might be because he went out the night before with the rest of his teammates to celebrate their last game. Cas doesn't care, he would prefer if Gus didn't mention Dean at all.

"Sure." Cas says in between a yawn.

Charlie is on his ass before he can even walk into school. They talk about last night's brand new episode of their series for a few minutes before the bell rings.

"What do you have now?" Charlie asks as he closes his locker.

"Spanish." He moans, his eyes closing.

He hates Spanish now. After last week's horrible meeting with Sam, Dean seemed to be ignoring him too.

Charlie frowns confuse, but doesn't push. He walks to his classroom and is surprise to find that he is the first one there. Taking advantage, he crosses his arms on the table and tries to sleep for at least a few seconds.

He makes it to a minute before he feels a warm hand on his shoulder.

"Cas? Hey, you okay, buddy?" Dean's voice is soft, and Cas is very, very tired right now.

He frowns at the interruption. His hand moves on its own and grabs Dean's before his sleeping brain can process it. He intertwines their finger together and brings it to table, Cas's head goes back to it, and tries to sleep again.

"Cas, you're in class, the teacher will notice eventually. Hey, sleepy head." Dean is smiling, so Cas smiles back at him. Batting his eyelashes at him as he tries to wake up. "Morning, sunshine." Dean's smile grows wider. "Hard time sleeping last night?"

Cas chuckles at the irony, his brain still trying to focus on where he is. "Hard."

"You need to take your head out off the table and put your books on it. You don't want another week of detention, right?"

"I don't give a fuck." Cas whispers, straighten on his chair. Their hands are still intertwine, and Cas stares at them before he realizes what he was doing.

His brain is fully awake now, and he feels incredibly cold now that Dean's warm hand is off limits.

"You sure you're okay, sunshine?" Dean whispers at him, looking back at the teacher. Cas nods and pulls out his books.

The class begins, with an apologize from the teacher for being late, and soon enough they're all working on their books. Cas is having a hard time focusing on the letters in front of him, yawning every two minutes.

"Where you up all night waiting for Gus or something?" Dean sounds jealous.

At least Cas gets a confirmation that Dean was with Gus last night, and that Gus didn't like it.

"What if I did?" Cas asks, still trying to focus on his work.

"It'll make me jealous." Dean says, and he also seems focus on his work.

Cas chuckles. "You already are."

"Yeah." Dean confirms and makes Cas turn to face him, nobody seems to be paying attention to them. "He gets to sleep with you. On that amazing bed, too."

"He doesn't sleep in our bed." Cas says quickly. He needed to make sure Dean knew that, but he regretted it the minute it left his mouth.

"Our bed?" Dean seems surprised and a smile is growing on his face.

"I meant, my. My bed." Cas corrects, and he feels his cheeks on fire.

"Why?" Cas looks at him confuse "Why doesn't he sleep in our bed?"

"My bed. And the kids are too loud for us." Cas explains, his eyes dropping back into his work, his ears are now red too.

"Bullshit, your room is in the top floor, and Anna and Balthazar are barely heard from there. Hell, Gabe once took a girl to his room and we never heard a puff." Dean begins listing with his fingers, the cocky smile never leaving his face. "So what's the truth, Cas?"

"I don't want him there." Cas resigns, his head dropping back into the back of his chair, he looks up at the ceiling and then back to Dean. He is so very tired. "I don't like having anyone that isn't you in there, happy?"

"Very." Dean says, his eyes are staring at Cas' lips now, and Cas has to reject the memories of his last dream. "Is that why you can't sleep?"

"What? No. Of course I can." Cas defends himself. It's not entirely false.

"You know you can just text me if you need a pillow or something." Dean says, his eyes never leaving Cas' mouth.

"I can go and sleep at my boyfriend's then." Cas says, making sure no one is listening.

"And leave that amazing bed? You're nuts." Dean finally stops looking at his lips and licks his own, making Cas be the one staring now. "I really miss being under you, by the way."

The memories of last night's dream come rushing back to him, and he makes an effort to push them back out, but Dean is looking at him expectant, and Cas is scare Dean might eat him alive.

"Shut up." He says, and Dean tries to hold back a laugh.

"You think I'm kidding." Dean says.

"No me importa." Cas says, reading from the book, feeling proud for his pronunciation.

"You still have your-- sorry, our-- window open?" Dean smiles and watches as the teacher begins writing on the board.

"It's my window. And you're not coming in." Cas states, his voice firm.

"So, it is open." Dean can't stop smiling. Cas' eyes close in exasperation. "C'mon, Cas, you just told me that's my bed. What do you want me to do?"

"Forget about it." Cas says, whispering now that teacher has began talking.

"I can't." Dean whispers back. "I have another mattress now, I hate it. It doesn't have memory foam like yours."

"Please, shut up." Cas begs, his eyes drifting back into his book.

"She probably misses me." Dean lets out a sigh.

"She?" Cas can't help asking.

"Our bed, she is a she. We can think of her name later. Maybe she misses me and won't let you sleep without me."

"You're insane." Cas smiles. "It's my mattress and we're not naming her."

"You've accepted it's a she." Dean chuckles as the bell rings "C'mon, let's name her."

"We're absolutely not naming her." Cas says, his smile is still on his face as they walk together out of the classroom.

"Please? I'm sure she'll be nicer to you if she has a name." Dean begs him.

Cas thinks about what he did to her this morning and blushes.

"What if she doesn't like the name we give her?" Cas giggles as he sees Dean stopping and leaning into the wall to think.

"Let's think of something really, really cool to name her then." Dean finally says and Cas walks out laughing. They both continue to talk about the mattress' name until they're on the bathroom.

"Alright, we don't have to think about it now, let's talk to the pillows first." Dean laugh at his own joke. Cas rolls his eyes but smiles anyway.

"You think you're hilarious, don't you?" Cas asks loudly, hearing the bell beginning to ring again.

"I'm awesome, yes." Dean says seriously.

They stay quiet as the footsteps outside stop. Most of students are back in class, the last bell already gone.

"We should go." Cas says, still not moving from where he is. Staring at Dean as he moves towards him.  
He stops a few inches in front of him.

"I want to see her again." Dean says, a small smirk on his lips, and Cas would really like to kiss it off.

"You can't. I--" Cas doesn't know what to respond to that.

"It's alright, Cas, I'll see her when she is ready." Dean says, his voice soft.

"You'd really wait for her?" Cas gets closer to him, and he can't look him in the eyes as he says it. 

"Yes. Whenever she is ready." Dean whispers, and Cas can tell he hesitates in his place. Not knowing what to do with his hands.

Dean makes it really hard to be mad at.

He is about to do something really stupid when suddenly the door opens and one of the freshman's kids comes in, barely looking at Cas and Dean as they split up abruptly, and he goes into one of the stalls.

"Bye, Dean." Cas says in a hurry as he leaves for his next class.

 

                                                                                                                          ****

 

"No way I'm doing that." Cas says Friday morning to Gus as they drive to school.

"Why not? C'mon, that asshole Freddie decided not to go--" Gus says angrily.

"He broke his ankle, Gus!" Cas yells.

"We're playing against Dawson, Cas, you hate them just as much as we do." Gus arguments as they park on their usual spot.  
That is true, but Cas would rather not say it out loud.

"I said no, Gus." Cas says for the tenth time in just a fifteen minutes, closing his locker shut and walking into his class.

On lunch, he is barely surprise to find the entire team, including Bobby, waiting for him on the table.

"I'm not playing." It's the first thing he says.

The team starts whining as they try to make Bobby force him to, Dean is quiet next to Bobby, his arms folded against him.

"Don't you have substitutes, or something?" Cas asks, trying to be heard above the loud complains.

"We do. You're better." Bobby simply says.

"Why? You never ask before." Cas is suspicious now.

"Winchester." Bobby simply says, and everyone instantly calms down. Apparently, that is not something Bobby had share with them before.

"What?" Gus asks, his eyebrows raising.

"Winchester and Novak are better together." Bobby gets up and walks up to Cas, who seems to lost his words. "I have Dean back, sure, but if we can finally get a chance to end our curse, I'll need you too."

Cas grunts in exasperation. Dawson High School had won every single time since Dean and Cas left the team, and they made sure to remind them of it every time.

"C'mon, fourteen, this might be our last time kicking Bogado's ass, you really wanna miss out?" Dean intervenes, a smile on his face.

Cas can't say no, even with the voices on his head yelling at him not to.

"The game is in two days. I haven't been on the field since--" Cas catches himself, everyone's eyebrows going up. He had forgotten Benny had invited Cas to play soccer every Sunday evening during summer. "That doesn't count."

"It does. You're amazing, dude, c'mon, it's just one game." Benny says, his eyes pleading. Cas doesn't miss the look Dean is giving Benny, he bites his lips to stop a smile from forming. He can only imagine what Dean would ask Benny after this conversation.

"What do you say, Novak?" Coach Bobby asks exasperated. He looks at Gus, who seems almost uninterested, and then to the other players. He stops at Dean and closes his eyes and shakes his head.

"You all better buy tickets to my play on December." Cas says, rolling his eyes.

The team cheers in unison, but Cas looks at Dean with a smile. He knows instantly that he made a huge mistake.

Cas made a promise that he wouldn't play anymore after what happen that night, and of course he'd break it like nothing with just one shitty encouragement from Dean.

When the team sits down and have lunch together to celebrate, Bobby complaining about the food, Cas starts sweating. He is biting his lips and his stomach won't stop twisting in itself.

"Gus." Cas says all of the sudden, his voice right above a whisper. Everyone turns to him, he can see Dean's eyebrows going up in concerned. Gus just looks mad at the interruption. " Need you. Outside."

Without waiting for an answer, Cas grabs his backpack and leaves the cafeteria. He can hear Keyler's whistle and Cas tries not to imagine Dean's face.

The sun shines on his face as he opens the front door, his hands going down to his knees as he tries to breathe.

"We need you in the team, and you know it." Gus says as he puts a hard hand on his back.

"You told me I couldn't have control anymore. You know how I get on this games, what if I--" Cas asks desperately.

"Nothing will happen. I'm going to be there to stop it." Gus's voice is strong and secure.

"What if you can't?" Cas whispers, his heart raising.

Gus pulls him back into the school roughly once the bells starts ringing.

"I did the last time." Gus says coldly.

"What are you talking about?" Cas asks bewildered. "You weren't there!"

Now Gus is regretting his mistake as he sees the rest of the team looking at them as they get out of the cafeteria.

"Don't make a scene." Gus says through his teeth and Cas almost shakes at the touch of his hands on Cas' arm. "You'll be fine."

Cas nods, he wants a hug, but Gus looks around and smiles at Bobby, who is looking at them carefully.

"I'll see you at practice." Gus says, leaving a kiss on his forehead.

 

                                                                                                                   ****

 

Cas forgot how amazing it feels to be on the field again. Running after the ball is the most satisfying thing he had felt in years, and just being able to scream his lungs out made his head clear enough to relax back into himself.

"You son of a bitch!" Cas hears Dean yell before he stumbles upon his body rolling towards him.

Cas raises his head to look at Funds, who is now staring at Bobby, both hands up.

"I didn't do anything!" He says, terrified under Bobby's serious look.

Cas goes running to Dean and gives him a hand, they're surprisingly close when Dean gets ups, a smirk on his face.

"Drama queen." Cas whispers, a smile on his face.

"Hey, we need to win, don't we, baby?" Dean asks, wiping his hands on his pants. Cas smiles wider at the nickname.

The game continues, and as expected, Dean's team won.

Bobby seems to be satisfied enough to let them go after three hours of training.

"Listen up, boys, the game is tomorrow and we've been training for a while now-- except for Novak, of course-- but I'm expecting a lot from this. Don't disappoint me, idjits." Bobby applause and the rest follow. After a few jokes, one by one they all go back to the locker room.

"Cas." Bobby calls. "I know you're worried, son. It's been a while, and I don't want to pressure you, alright? You played incredible today, kiddo, just trust yourself."

Cas smiles warmly. He feels a lot confident now, and he thinks he can actually do a good job.

That is until Gus corners him on the locker room and pretends to be romantic in front of everyone, instead of angry.

"What the fuck was that?" Gus asks.

"What?" Cas doesn't pretend like Gus does. Everyone seems to be ignoring them anyway.

"You acted like a jackass. I get it, we all scream and curse, but you act like a fucking asshole." Gus stops his act to make a disgusted face. "Don't do that."

"I can't help it." Cas says, and he can tell Gus didn't expect him to answer.

"Well, help it. It reminds me of-- you before you were--you." Gus tries to explain, and Cas can't pretend he's not upset about it.

"Well," Cas grabs his shoes from the locker and closes it with a slam, getting the attention of everyone in the room "I play like that, so you better deal with it."

The room goes quiet and Cas tries not to think as he sits down and ties his shoes.

"You want me to ask Bobby to kick you out?" Gus asks his body tense. Cas heads shoots up at him, an incredulous look on his face.

"If you don't like how Cas plays, maybe you should be the one leaving. I'm sure Bobby could find an easy replacement for you." Dean intervenes, and when Cas turns around, Benny and Viktor are both ready to hold him back.

"You should learn to mind your own business, Winchester. If you knew what Cas had--" Gus is furious.

"Gus, don't." Cas pleads, taking his hand and dragging him out. "C'mon, let's go."

Cas looks harshly at Dean before they leave.

                                                                                                                  ****

Saturday starts with a big storm. Cas is anxious as he waits for the clock to turn three, passing through his room it's the only thing he can do.

He keeps biting his nails and trying to convince himself he'll be fine. He tries to remember what Gus had told him, trying to focus on something else as he listens to his phone ringing on his nightstand.

Cas tries to ignore it, as usual, but when it rings for the fifth time, Cas decides to pick up. He doesn't recognize the number.

"Hello?" He says, a little confuse.

"Hey, there, Cas. What took you so long to pick up?" Dean asks from the other end.

"I don't usually return calls." Cas explains, still confuse. "Who gave you my number?"

"Charlie." Dean responds, Cas hears cars passing through.

"Alright... What do you want?" Cas tries to sound polite.

"Are you busy?" He asks.

"No-- why?" Cas is suspicious now.

"I'm heading to the school now, wanna go with me?" Cas can hear his smile.

"Sure." He answers immediately. He hears a honk outside his house, he doesn't need to look out. "How long have you been outside?"

Cas quickly grabs his keys, bag and jacket from his closet while he's still pressing his phone to his ear.

"Too long." He answers, and before he can say anything else, Cas sees Gabe from the stairs as he comes out the living room, a beer on his hand.

"Was that Gus' car? Isn't it early?" Gabe asks as he watches Cas abruptly end the call.

"Yeah--" Cas is only able to say.

Gabe looks at him suspiciously, and when he sees Cas swallow down a lump, he is quick to run to the front door and open it wide. Cas curses and tries to move quick.

"Dean-o!" Gabe yells, his arms stretch out for a hug.

"Hey, Gabe, how's it going?" Dean seems genuinely glad to see him and it makes Cas' stomach twist, but for the first time, it's not painful.

"We better go," Cas says, putting his stuff on the back seat and turning to them. "Before it starts raining again."

"Yeah--" Gabe says, calculating Dean, "and where exactly are you taking little Cassie again?"

"School, we wanna practice for a while." Dean explains, and he looks amused by the conversation.

"Right, yeah, I remember telling my second boyfriend that right before we--"

"Don't. We're only practicing." Cas says, his face red.

"Oh, okay, I forgot you had a boyfriend." Gabe says, making a face to Dean who is smiling like an idiot. "A shitty one but still."

"Gabriel." Cas warns him.

"I'm sure Dean calls him worse, Cas, calm down." Gabe says, and Dean has the decency to stop laughing.

Cas gets in the car before Gabe can keep talking, and Dean says goodbye.

"Are you in a bad mood now?" Dean asks, turning to face him.

"No, I'm fine." Cas says, but he can't help his eyes squinting annoyingly.

"We can go get something to eat first if you want, I don't think is a good idea to get angry right now." Dean says, and Cas shivers.

He'd forgotten that Dean used to be the one calming him down, and he used to do a hell of a good job. Cas found that thought a lot more calmer than it would've been a couple of weeks ago.

"We can go get pizza and eat it on the field." Cas says, his hand going up to his mouth to bite off a nail.

"Whatever you want, sweetheart." Dean smiles, he reaches out to Cas' hand to stop him from keep biting his nail. "Stop that-- are you sure you're alright?"

He grabs on his hand before he can help it, he only has it for a minute but he already feels better.

"Yes." Cas smiles at him, and he is surprised he's not lying.

 

                                                                                                                ****

 

"You're a terrible goalie, you know that?" Cas laughs as he sees Dean running through the field to catch him.

"Or-- you're that good of a player." Dean says, terribly close to him.

They're both trying to catch their breath, and their smile is bright against their already red face.

"Bobby will kill us if he sees us like this only an hour before the game." Cas says, stepping back.

"I needed to worn you out before the game--" Dean says as they walk into the empty locker room and head to the bathroom. "You seemed anxious yesterday, that jerk-- I mean, Gus"

"Dean." Cas warns as they enter the bathroom. "Thank you, yes, I needed it."

They stare at each other for a few seconds, and they don't move at all until they hear the door opening again.

Two boys storm in, an identical smirk on their face.

Unfortunately, Dean and Cas know who they are.

"Henry Stokes and George Trainor, what a surprise." Dean says turning to see them.

"Look at you, Dean, haven't change even a little, haven't you? Even have your boy toy with you." Henry says with a despicable smile. Cas takes a step closer to Dean.

"How's your girlfriend, Henry? I heard she is pregnant and you're not his baby daddy, that must hurt." Cas says, venom in his voice. Dean looks at him proud.

"How's your brother, Cassie?" George asks, stepping in front of Henry. "I heard he's got a new job, he is clean now, isn't him? Drugs are a bitch, aren't they?"

Cas tries to jump at him, but Dean swings an arm around his waist to stop him. He has Dean in front of him, stopping him from moving, firm hands holding him still.

Stokes and Trainor laugh as Dean tries to calm Cas.

"Get out of here before Coach Bobby gets here and kick your asses." Dean says, turning around enough to send them an angry look.

They leave, still laughing.

Cas breathes in and out, trying to calm himself.

"Hey, sweetheart, calm down for me, please." Dean says, taking Cas' face on his hands. "They're just idiots, don't listen to them."

"How do they know about that? It happened once-- He spent only one night on the hospital and--" Cas says, slowly walking to the door only to turn around and press his back against it.

Dean is looking at him sadly, and he approaches with caution. "I didn't know that."

"Nobody is supposed to." Cas closes his eyes. "I don't like it--"

Cas' brain shoots him memories of that night again, making his heart raicing, panic beginning to grow. He is breathing heavily, and Dean is quick to move closer to him, his soft hands on his face again.

"It's alright, we don't have to talk about." Dean says as he sees Cas starting to panic more. "You wanna sit?"

Cas shakes his head, and he is barely processing what he's doing as he pulls Dean closer to him, ducking his head until he finds Dean's neck.

Dean is hesitant at first, but Cas continues to panic. "Hey, it's alright, sweetheart, nothing's wrong-- I'm right here."

Cas breathes in and out, and he's surprise by how much Dean's arms around him helps. One of his hands is making slow circles around his back as the other one stays on his hair.

"He didn't deserve it." Cas says, still bury under Dean's neck, he notice a shiver running through his body, and Cas finally lets his arms out from under Dean's, and wraps them around Dean's neck, pressing their bodies closer.

"I know, Cas, I know." Dean says, kissing his hair.

But Cas wasn't talking about Gabe.

He snuggles closer to Dean, barely aware of his mouth touching his neck. Dean tries to pull away, but Cas catches him with his hands and pulls him back to him.

"This would be a lot better with her." Dean says, their foreheads touching. Cas frowns deeply, "I meant with your mattress. In your bed. This would be a lot better in your bed."

"Way to ruin the moment, Dean." Cas chuckles, pushing him off and heading to the sink.

He pretends to wash his hands meticulously, trying to ignore the scene he just cause.

"The panic attacks-- happens a lot?" Dean asks as he comes from behind Cas. 

"Sometimes, they're not as bad anymore." Cas breaths out, his hands are gripping the sink behind him as he turns "Thanks for, umh-- helping."

"Anytime." Dean says with a warm smile on his face.

Dean's phone begins ringing as Cas is thinking about putting his hands in very dangerous places. It's Bobby.

The game starts in thirty minutes.

 

                                                                                                                   ****

 

By the time Bobby gets in front of them, ready for his speech, Cas realizes that he is nervous.

Gus is by his side, giggling with Keyler as Bobby tries to talk. Cas turns to his other side and looks at Benny talking to Viktor, both looking excited.

Bobby finishes the half heard speech, cursing the  entire team as he turns around to go talk to the other team's coach. Cas tries to follow him with his eyes but he notices that Dean is looking at him while pointing with his head to a side of the bench, away from the rest.

  
Cas gets up hesitant, and looks back at Gus for a second before he walks off towards where Dean is heading. Gus doesn't seem to notice.

"Are you okay? You look a little pale." Dean asks, concern.

"I'm fine, I'm just--" Cas tries to find the words. "I don't know if I can do it-- like I used to."

"Alright, fine, listen, I-- I'm just gonna say it." Dean swallows, looking at him a little scare. "I don't know why you act all-- nice and good and shit,"

"It's not an act--" Cas feels oddly offended.

"Shut up." Dean cuts him off. "You need to stop it. Stop thinking about everyone else, fuck everyone else, you play for yourself."

"I can't just--" Cas begins saying.

"Yes, you can. Remember back when we won 7 to 1?" Dean smiles proudly.

"I also told the referee I'd smash his head with a brick."

"Whatever. You were great that day." Dean's smile never leave his face. "I need grumpy Cas on my team today, alright?"

"Nobody likes me like that--" Cas tries to express.

"So? Fuck what they think." Dean spits out, "Besides, I do like that Cas. Very, very much."

Cas huff, pretending to be mad. Dean smiles widely as he scans Cas' red face.

"Need you in my team, grumpy. Please?"

 Dean begs again, and Cas can't help but nod.  
When he gets back with the rest and begins to strech again, Cas feels a weight being lift from his shoulders.

He doesn't smile like a Walmart employee trying to get a raise anymore, and when Gus looks at him confuse, he rolls his eyes.

Being able to express his irritation feels good, better than to pretend he is fine all the time.

"Alright, boys, good luck." Bobby says, putting on his hat and watching as the other team gets on the field.

"Viktor needs it." Funds whispers, but is enough to be heard by everyone.

Cas doesn't move an inch, his voice cold as ice when he responds, "Says the guy who step on his own feet and got a sprained ankle from it."

He hears Benny and Dean laughing the loudest, Viktor looks grateful. Gus, behind him, whispers:

"What are you doing? That is Horatio."

Cas looks at the field without answering. He doesn't need to be reminded who he is, Horatio is one of the rich kids at school, and his father works with Gus's. They'd spend weekends together, he knows very well how much of a piece of shit Horatio is.

This helps him focus on the game. Fuck everyone else.

Once they're in position, Bogado and Dean shake hands, and the game begins with the loud crowd cheering.

Cas likes Bogado, he reminds him of Bobby, he is a good player and likes to play clean. 

But right now, Cas just thinks about winning.

The game begins reasonably friendly, just a warm up for most of them, and Cas is not sure when exactly the game shift from just kicking the ball to running like fire.

He sees Benny in possession of the ball and he passes it  to Fioti, who takes a glance at Dean before he passes it to Cas. He is too far, and Cas can't make up  if he might be offside. He curses as he passes it to Gus, if he'd more practice he would've know the team's position perfectly--

Gus passes it to Alistair, and Cas curses again-- he had Keyler right next to him, why didn't he pass it to him?

Alistair loses the ball to Beer, and the defense begins arranging again, Cas is quick to yell.

"RAMIREZ, TAKE ALLEN. FIOTI, TAKE HAMPTON-- SON OF A BITCH!" Cas watches as Frost avoids Bogado from making it to the goal box.

Viktor kicks the ball from the goalie and lands in front of Alistair, who passes it to Gus, Gus to Benny, Benny to Keyler-- Cas sees that Frost is too far to get to it, and he makes a run for it. Luckily, Keyler sees Cas at the last second and changes his direction.

Cas catches it mid run, with Miller and Reyez marking him behind. He is looking down as he dribbles the ball closer to his line, he raises his head just enough to catch Dean's face.

Dean doesn't waste time as he runs with it, he is almost in front of Stokes when he kicks the ball. It pass right through Trainor's shoulder.

Cas lets out a shout and he barely hears the presenter voice through the speakers.

The team gathers to a side and hug each other in group, Cas doesn't have time to even look at Dean before they get drag into the field again.

Twenty minutes pass and neither of the team gets close enough to make another goal.  
The game gets frustrating, and Dawson High School' crowd seems to be cheering more and more, insults starting to pop up. The locals starting to answer with more songs, Cas can imagine Kevin and Charlie being the ones being the loudest.

Cas gets a warning from his left and turns a little to watch as Frost passes him the ball, he doesn't have much time to think as he sees Michaels trying to steal it. Cas passes it to Benny, Benny to Keyler, and he kicks it to Dean, and he doesn't have it for a second before he falls face first onto the floor.

Stokes hands are up in the air by the time Cas gets close, Dean is holding himself with one elbow as Benny tries to pull him up. They hear the whistle and sees the referee approach. Cas doesn't wait for it.

"What the fuck was that, Stokes? Are you fucking insane?!" Cas yells, gesturing with his hands. He takes a quick look at Dean to make sure he's alright, his face change colors when he sees that Dean is not faking this time.

"It's not my fault your boy has shitty legs!" Stokes yells back, coming up to his face.

"What the fuck did you just said? I'll break your fucking--" Cas yells back, his hand on a fist.

The referee gets there, and Gus pulls him back at the last second. The ref looks at them carefully and everyone holds back their shouting.

He seems to look for an injury on Dean and after Dean gives him a thumps up, he decides to just charge a foul.

Benny takes the ball and everyone gets back in position, Dean however puts a hand on Cas' lower back and whispers in his ear.

"I like you like this, believe me, but I prefer you on the field, if you keep fighting you'll end up on the bench."

Cas weights his answers before he frowns and backs away as he yells, "Suck my dick, Winchester, I do what I want."

Dean's whole body moves as he laughs loudly, Benny throwing the ball to Keyler.

The game starts back up, and Cas can still see Dean's smile.

 

                                  ****

 

"First time is done, 1 to 1. Let's see how this ends in 15 minutes--" The presenter tells from the speaker.

Cas almost limps back to the bench. He takes the water the assistant is handing out to the players, and spits some of it out.

"You're good." Gus says when he reaches Cas.

"I know." Cas smiles, he stops when he sees Gus is not smiling. "Thanks, you too."

"You lost control." Gus says coldly.

"No, I didn't, players get angry sometimes. It's just the game." Cas responds, tiredly.

"What if I wasn't there to stop it--" Gus keeps saying, and Cas can't bring himself to stop his eyes from rolling. He is tired and the adrenaline on his body is still high on him, Gus could make an entire scene right there and Cas wouldn't care one bit.

"I don't wanna talk about this now, alright? Leave it." He says.

Gus looks at him as if he'd never seen him before, his face turning from disgust to anger in a matter of seconds. Cas doesn't care, his leg is starting to cramp.

"Whatever, then." Gus says sharply. "I've got to pee."

Cas nods and watches as he leaves with Alistair and Keyler. He tries to stand up and reach for another bottle of water but his leg it's getting worse and he hisses.

Cas turns to his left and sees as Dean talks candidly to Frost. He frowns, Cas never knew they were friends. Dean wasn't there when he came to school.

"Dean?" Cas hears himself ask, "Please?"

He is pointing at his leg stretch in front of him, Dean doesn't need explanation and goes to him without giving Frost more than a tap on his shoulder. Cas smiles as he sees Dean kneel in front of him.

"Got cramps?" Dean asks, working on his calf. Cas nods as he bites his lips. "Oh, you really shouldn't be doing that face."

"Fuck off." Cas says through his teeth when Dean gets his fingers deeper. "Right there-- don't stop."

Dean chuckles as he works his fingers on the same spot. "I'm serious, sweetheart, you shouldn't be saying those stuff. My blood is already rushing."

The uncomfortable feeling of the cramps goes away but Cas doesn't tell Dean to stop.

"You get off on touching someone's leg?"

"When it's yours, yes." Dean answers, his hands pass up the back of his knees, and Cas can't tell if it's on purpose or Dean is as lost in his eyes as Cas is.

"Yeah, we should really stop this." Cas manages to say, letting his leg down from Dean's hands.

They don't stop smiling until the game starts up again.

For the first ten minutes, the game is just a warm up again, the offensive barely trying to keep the ball. Just fifteen minutes in and the game begins to be aggressive enough to make it stop every so often.

Stokes got a yellow card from kicking Benny on the mouth (both Cas and Dean pulled out their best insults they had for the referee, and almost got kick out), Alistair got enough foul to get an automatic yellow card, Gus almost sprained his ankle and had to stop playing. The replacement isn't much better, and the players are starting to get anxious as the minutes passes.

Dean is in possession of the ball now and he runs pass Benny to try and score on his own, Cas curses. As expected, Dean misses the goal by Quinn getting in the way.

"Dean!" Cas yells when the time stops as they get put in position for a free kick. "We're a team, play like one."

"Fuck off." Dean answers angrily.

Cas recognizes the anger in him, Dean gets frustrated midway through things and takes it out on others.

He grabs his arm and turns him around to face him (Benny is discussing the line with the referee and Bogado)

"We're gonna lose if you don't pull it together, Winchester." Cas says equally as angry.

"So? Why the fuck would you--" Dean is spewing hate and Cas has to remind himself it's because of the game.

"Watch your tone." Cas whispers angrily. "You're gonna wait for your turn, be a team player and stop whining like a child, you hear me?"

Cas can't know what is going through his brain, but Dean looks at him with a sad look on his eyes. Cas resist the urge to hold him close again and maintains his eyes cold.

Benny finally throws the ball and the game is on again.

Dean is playing better than before, but everyone is still tired, and the game is just as aggressive, even Bobby and the other Coach seem to be fighting.

"Jesus fuck, how much?" Benny yells at Cas as they move towards Reyez to put him off.

"Just keep going, Lafitte." Cas grunts.

Turns out it's almost over, the time goes out and the presenter announce over the speaker that five minutes have been added.

Everyone on the team start to panic, and the game gets even worse

Ramirez has the ball, and he is quick to pass it over to Benny, Benny to Fioti, to Dean-- Cas prays that Dean listens to him.

He does. Dean passes back to Fioti, Fioti to Frost, and now Dean is free, right in front of Trainor.

Cas' heart stops as he watches the ball hit the back of the goal, Trainor on the floor.  
Benny is the first one to react as he runs towards Dean, throwing himself onto him. Frost and Fioti follow him close.

By the time Cas gets to Dean, they're both too happy to think about anyone else.

Cas grabs his head with both hands and their foreheads are touching as he says proudly: "That's my boy."

Dean doesn't have time to answer as he is being lift by Benny and Viktor. The timer has gone off by the time they'd started celebrating.

The game is over, and they won.

 

                                   ****

 

They don't stop celebrating until they're being drag into the locker room, and even then they won't let Dean have a minute to breathe.

"Did you see Trainor's face?" Viktor keeps repeating.

Cas is about to hit the showers when he gets abruptly grab on his forearm by Gus and is pulled away from the rest.

Cas sees that Dean doesn't notice, and somehow, that scares him.

"You done with the little show you pulled back there?" Gus asks, his hand on his knee. Cas realizes he never asked him how he is feeling after he left the field.

"I'm sorry, Gus, I get too into--" Cas begins saying but Gus shakes his head.

"No. That's not what you do. You lose control and don't know how to make it stop."

Cas frowns, he is sure he wasn't being particularly angry in there. It was the game.

"Listen--" Cas says calmly, his sweet voice coming back to him.

A part of his brain stops him, why is he trying to calm Gus down? Why is he going back to pretend he's someone he is not?

He was happy on the field, and the feeling of freedom that gives him space to say whatever he wants makes him relax and enjoy.

"No, you listen." Gus grabs him by the arm and pushes him to the locker. Cas checks to see if Dean is looking, but he seems entertain by Frost again. "Remember last time you acted like this? Remember?"

"Yes." Cas whispers, closing his eyes to stop the memories from coming back.

"You don't want that to happen again, don't you?" He asks, and Cas shakes his head slowly.

But something is different now, for the first time, he's noticing just how scare he is.

Of Gus, of the memories, of his past, of himself.

He knows he doesn't have to be, he knows now that he shouldn't.

Gus kisses him on the forehead, and now Cas notices how he flinches at the touch.

"We're celebrating tonight, right?" Gus smirks as he looks down to Cas' body. He swallows sharply.

"I have to go to Kevin's tonight, I promised Charlie I would spend the night with them." Cas says quickly. "It's been a while."

"Seriously?" Gus asks, his face scrunched up into a mock. He doesn't like his friends. "Alright, I'll go to Alistair's then. But tomorrow you're mine."

Cas nods slowly, trying to get his body to stop shivering.

Gus kisses him and leaves after Alistair and Keyler. He stays where he is for a minute before he makes the decision to take a shower.

He listens silently to the conversations the rest of the team have. Cas smiles every so often when he hears Dean laugh, but for the majority of the time, he spends it under the water. His eyes closes as he thinks about the day he found out about the party, he remembers how excited he was to go.

Cas spends around half an hour in the shower before he gets out. He finds the room quiet and empty as he makes his way to his bag.

He jumps as he sees Dean leaning on one side, his shoulder pressing on the door of the locker.

"Waiting for me?" Cas asks, sitting down in one of the benches and looking up at him. It was a good thing he remembered to put his shorts before getting back into the locker room.

"Always." Dean simply says.

"Are you going to the Halloween party next Friday?" Cas asks, stepping up from his seat and approaching Dean. He doesn't stop until he is next to Dean, his back against the locker.

"Yes-- why?" Dean asks, a smile on his face, Cas closes his eyes to enjoy the silence.

"I think I'm ready to talk now." Cas whispers.

He hears Dean shuffle on his spot, and when he open his eyes, Dean is in front of him. His face as serious as his voice.

"You want to talk about me leaving?"

"No." Cas answers sincerely, because right now that doesn't matter anymore. "You need to know why I'm not worth your wait."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean is the sweetest bean ever, I love him. 
> 
> In case you're interested, Cas' t-shirt is 14 and plays Center Midfielder. 
> 
> Hope you like it! Comments are my life, so... Just putting it out there...


	6. Chapter 6

Cas's whole body hurts the morning after the game. It's Sunday, but he doesn't bother to get out of bed. 

Gus calls him early in the morning, before breakfast, and Cas tells him he isn't feeling great and will most likely spend the day playing video games with Balthazar. 

It isn't a lie, he is currently wrap around in a blanket playing chess with Anna. 

After dinner, he lays on his bed, staring at his window with the hope that Dean might crawl in through it. He knows it won't happen, after getting multiples calls from him, Cas sends him a quick text telling him he is spending the day with Gus. Dean doesn't respond.

He regrets ever talking to him again, letting him get under his skin, because his head is now a mess and feelings are mixing up in his stomach.

Cas can admit it now; he doesn't love Gus. He cared for him once, and maybe even liked to spend time with him, but he never really loved him, and now is time to break up with him. 

The thought alone is scary, Gus knows a lot about him, and helped him even, more than he could ever imagine.

Then there is Dean. 

Cas never expected him to show up in his life, at least, not in the way that he did. He once imagined running into him when they were older, Cas imagine himself having a family and Dean having his-- that thought never got him anywhere, usually ending up with him resenting the world. 

Dean had show up out of nowhere, almost expecting Cas to drop everything and go back to being friends as if nothing had ever happen. Cas can't stand that-- because he'd be lying if he hasn't been thinking about doing exactly that.  

There's no way to deny that even after all these years, Dean is still the one he wants. 

He rolls to his side and closes his eyes.

Monday's gonna be a bitch. 

 

 ****

 

He texts Gus to let him know he'll walk to school from now on, and pretends is a exercise kind of thing.  

He doesn't feel bad for lying, he just needs his space, after all, Cas still doesn't know how he could possibly break up with Gus after being together for almost three years. Most importantly, how to stop him from thinking is because of Dean.

He calculates wrong the time it takes him to get to school and is late to class. The teacher sends him extra homework, a confuse look on his face, not sure if he should ask why his favorite student is late when usually he's the first one there.  

In between classes, he avoids Charlie and Kevin. Being around them means being with Dean, and he can't handle him right now.  

He feels bad for avoiding Gus on the weekend, and tries to find him in between Algebra and Physics. Gus is talking to Shophia right next to the boys' bathroom. 

"Hey," Cas says as he approaches. 

"Hey, babe," Gus kisses him and Cas tries to find a spark of some kind, like in the movies.  

He'd always thought that was bullshit, and that kissing is not that great, it's just a way to express their love. Which Cas never felt like that anyway. 

To summarize, Cas has never been in love (even though he has said multiple times that he is) and has never like kissing. 

He wonders if, after all, a kiss could be like the movies if he were in love. He wonders if Dean ever felt that.  

"I'm having lunch with Alistair and Gordon today, so, you know--" Gus hints and Sophia smiles lopsided. Cas doesn't like her, she is a stuck up that still thinks being mean to other girls is cool. "Behave." 

"Don't worry, I'll probably be at the library, anyway." Cas says, a fake smile on his face. Gus keeps giving him reasons to dump him, and he is not sure how he feels about it.  

"Really?" Gus sighs, his arms going around Cas' waist.

"Ugh," Sophia grunts "I have so much homework too, how do they expect us to just do it while mantaining a social life?"

Gus laughs and Cas tries to smile. He is not behind with homework, even though he just got assigned more, he'll do it when he's home. It's just an excuse to not see his friends, or Dean to be precise. Sophia leaves when Dave comes out of the bathroom, and apparently, Gus takes this as an opportunity to show his affection for Cas by making out in the middle of the crowded hall. 

He takes him off of him as soon as he feels his tongue trying to get into his mouth. Gus looks confuse at him for a second, Cas tries to find an excuse.  

"I'm getting sick, you know, from playing on the rain on Saturday--" Is the best lie he can come up with. 

Gus makes an uncomfortable face, he hates germs and his worst nightmare is going to the doctors. Ironic, giving that Cas plans to become one. 

"Thank you, then." Gus smiles, and Cas can say with total security that he is at least handsome.  

He begins to smile, but his eyes catches someone behind Gus, he is smiling from ear to ear, and Cas knows Dean just witness everything, including the clear lie.

 

****

 

Cas goes to the rest of his classes, and he's defeated by lunch. This time, he hasn't forgot the salad that Karla made frantically in the morning.  

He makes sure he has everything before he goes outside, trying to find a big tree where no one can see him from the windows. 

As he sits down under an old oak, Cas contemplates leaving after finishing his salad. He is not focusing on his classes anymore, and he's sure the principal will eventually call his house, Chuck would answer and then he'll have a week of doing dishes or something stupid like that. Cas closes his eyes and leans back on the tree, he's tired and no matter how much he tries, he can't have a full night of sleep. He wakes up at four every night, either waken up by a bad dream or a dream about Dean, he hasn't decide which one is worse yet. 

"Need company?"  

Cas jumps from the floor, dropping his entire lunch onto it. He looks at his dirty shoes and he's quick to grab his Pepsi to stop from spilling all over the grass. 

"Dammit, Dean!" He yells.  

Dean smiles wide as he gets down to pick up the rest of his lunch and place it to a side. Cas stares at him silently as Dean takes a sit on the grass, after a few seconds of confusion, Cas sits next to him.  

"How did you find me?" He tries to sound exasperated.  

"I followed you." Dean says as he takes out two sandwiches out of his backpack, Cas can't say he is surprised anymore. 

"You followed me?" 

"Yes, I heard you talking about having lunch at the library-- and I instantly knew you were lying." Dean says staring at his sandwich.  

"Let me guess, you remembered I didn't like the school library at this hour or something stupid and meaningless like that?" Cas asks, finally taking the sandwich from Dean.

They're not talking about what happened on Saturday, so Cas will follow this conversation until lunch is over and he can go whenever he decides to go. 

"Actually no." Dean gives him a smile, "You were a bad boy, but you were also always on top of everything. I just supposed you hadn't change that, Mr. doctor." 

"I was not a bad boy." Is the only lie he can take from Dean's argument.  

"Oh, you totally were," Dean laughs. "All the girls were crazy about you." 

"They were not." Cas laughs, shaking his head. "I never heard anyone say that--ever." 

"Of course not, nobody was crazy enough to touch Dean Winchester's boyfriend." Dean keeps laughing.  

Cas bites his tongue and refuses to ask the question he's about to come out with, instead, he choose the next thing that comes to mind.  

"I dated Meg." 

"What--?" Dean stops laughing and looks at him seriously. "Masters? You dated Meg Masters?" 

"Yes, she was my first kiss too." Cas takes a sip of his Pepsi, enjoying the sun on his face. 

"I hated her." Dean says, and his face remains serious. "We hated her."

"She's not that bad," Cas continues to laugh "she is really funny and smart--" 

"I don't wanna know." Dean cuts him off, and Cas looks at him confuse. "I just-- please don't tell me." 

He sounds serious, and Cas wants to be angry at him. Dean has no right to get jealous of Meg or anyone in his life. He was the one who decided to leave, if he thought just because they were friends he'd stop himself from dating someone he liked, then he was wrong. Dean doesn't even know Meg. 

Cas breathes in and out before he decides to avoid it all together. "What do you wanna talk about?" 

They enter a superficial conversation, and then into gossip, then into books and TV shows (Dean mostly listens, and Cas likes the attention he gives him, almost as if he care) and then, as usual, they enter the dangerous conversation about parents.

"How's he?" Cas asks about John, and after seeing Dean's face, he wishes he hadn't. "Never mind, I shouldn't have ask."

"He's doing great." Dean says, obviously not wanting the conversation to end in there, he asks "How is Chuck and Naomi?" 

Cas begins talking about his father first; the novels he had come out with, the new and improved ways to punish their kids (He was highly unaware that people didn't even watch TV anymore so the kids weren't even bother when they got grounded), and he talks about the time he forgot the twins in a gas station in the middle of summer. Dean laughs hard, and Cas can feel his lungs open to the sound of it.  

"What about your mom?" Dean asks next.

 "She's-- busy, all the time." Cas says, watching as the kids start to get inside the school again. "She just got into one of those list for the Supreme Court, it's a long shot but--." 

"That's great, isn't it?" Dean asks. Cas likes how careful he is while talking, almost knowing the mess on Cas' head. 

"Yeah-- I guess. Whatever, it's not like I see her-- at all." Cas is starting to frown deeper.

"I'm sure she'll have more time after--" Dean tries to come up with a defense. 

 "I swear, she hates me these days--" Cas says, he doesn't even know where the anger is coming from. He hasn't talk to anyone about his mom, not sincerely anyway.

"No, of course not, she's just--" Dean tries to say. 

 "He called Gus her son the other day, and later she introduced me to one of her friend as Gus' boyfriend." Cas spits bitterly, his nails digging into his palms.

"Cas--" Dean whispers calmly. Cas gets up from the grass and picks up his stuff in a hurry, the conversation is over.  

Dean takes his time, and in silence, they clean up their mess. The rest of the people that were on the park are gone, and Cas can already hear the teacher complain about him again. 

"What you said about your mom-- it's not very different from what you used to tell me." Dean says as Cas puts on his coat. "Remember what I used to tell you?" 

Dean smiles as Cas lets out a chuckle. "You told me we didn't need her, that we could do what we wanted, and if she tried to say something, we'd runaway. Of course, we used to get angry at her just because she wouldn't let us past ten o'clock."

He doesn't want to go inside right now, so he takes off his backpack and lets his body move towards the tree. His back hits the tree and Dean comes closer.  

"That's still on the table." Dean smirks, watching the school to make sure no one is looking for them. 

"What? Running away with you because my mom ignores me?" Cas can't help a laugh.  

"Yeah--" Dean smiles warmly and then turns to Cas again, his smile dropping. "Why do we have to wait until Friday to talk?" Dean finally asks.

It's not like he even knows what the answer is, what happened on Saturday after the game was purely an impulse and Cas regretted it, to say the least. It's not like he hasn't thought about either, he's spend the last two nights without sleep because of it.  

"I need time." He answers, closing his eyes.  

"Alright," Dean nods and puts his hands on his pockets. "But you know there's little to nothing you could say that'll make me want to stop talking to you, right?" 

Cas rolls his eyes. Dean doesn't know shit, he just likes to pretend he does. And maybe Cas is too scare to prove him wrong.

He takes a step out from the tree and grabs his backpack again, trying to get away from the conversation. Dean grabs him by the hand and pulls him back, Cas lets him.  

"We both fucked up, right? We're seventeen, Cas, teens are selfish and fuck up all the time." Dean says. 

"Are you saying that you leaving was just a fuck up?" Cas asks, he tries to get angry but he feels too tired to do it.

"No," Dean says as he gets closer to Cas' face "it wasn't my decision." 

Cas doesn't ask what he means. 

"Well, my mistake was mine and I own up to it." Cas says bitterly.  

A sharp pain on his forehead makes him close his eyes again, his hand going up to try and ease the pain. It wasn't true, the part that he owns up to it. The pain is a cruel way to remind him.  

"Alright, so--" Dean tries to stop himself from laughing. He fails. "You're making me wait until Friday so you can tell me why I shouldn't wait for you?" 

"You know what?" Cas says, he can get angry this time. "Fuck you. I don't even have to tell you shit." 

Dean lets out a chuckle, while pinching his nose. "You're insufferable, you know that?"

Cas frowns. 

"I can wait until Friday." Dean says, a soft smile on his face.  

Cas lets out a sigh and can't help a smile. Neither of them seem too eager to get inside the school. 

When they do, Cas decides to stay in school and at least try to pay attention. He gets extra homework, and half way through the class he gives up on trying to listen to the teacher, he sits back and looks out the window. 

When the bell finally rings, announcing the end of school day, he's made a decision. 

The problem is, that is starting to scare the crap out of him. 

 

****

 

Cas spends the day with his siblings again, making the excuse he hasn't had time to spend the day with them in a really long time, and because Gus doesn't know anything about him, he believes it. 

Cas is ready to break up with Gus. At least, that's what he thinks.  

Break up scenarios keep popping up on his head, once that involves him being humiliated in front of the whole school, and once where they end up being friends.  

Neither of them seem very likely to happen, Gus hates when people see him in any type of bad light and he knows Gus enough to know how angry he'll get once they break up, there's no way this ends up with them in good terms. 

The thought that scares him even more is Dean's reaction to that night. 

Dean likes to think he knows him, even more than anyone that has been in his life after he left, and Cas likes to think that he might be right, he hopes he is. Except that Dean doesn't know _that_ Cas, at least, not the Cas from that night.

So, if he breaks up with Gus before he tells Dean, and then Dean decides that he's a piece of shit that doesn't deserve his time, then he'll end up alone. 

Not that he's planning to get into Dean's pants as soon as he breaks up with Gus, especially when he hasn't even heard what excuse Dean has for leaving, but what if they both hate him?   
What if Dean decides to tell Charlie and Kevin about it? What if he ends up all alone? What if the entire school finds out? Gus wouldn't be there to defend him. 

No, he can't break up with Gus until he knows he's safe. 

God, he's such an asshole. Maybe he deserves to be alone.

 

****

  
  
On Tuesday, Dean is  nowhere to be seen. Cas tries to look for him in between classes, and even asks a couple of his classmates if they had seen him. Nobody seems to know what happened to him. 

Cas tries to stop his anger from coming back, he imagines that he's sick or maybe Sam is, or maybe even Baby had a flat tire or something. 

He spends the entire morning trying to convince himself that Dean didn't leave him again.

He has lunch with Charlie and Kevin, but he barely touches his salad. His friends look at each other sadly. 

"I texted him earlier-- I'm sure he just fall sleep." Charlie says to Cas, putting down her fork. 

"I'm not worry about him." Cas lies. 

They don't say anything else. 

****

  
  
On Wednesday, Cas finally breathes normally again after seeing Dean get into the classroom. The teacher gave him a quick look before going back to the board. 

Cas looks at him disappointingly as he takes the seat farther away from him. He tries to ignore it as the class continues, but there's an itch on him that makes it impossible to stop looking at Dean. 

He knows Dean is aware of his eyes on him, but he still refuses to look back, staring at his work in front of him. 

"Novak?" The teacher calls and Cas quickly turns his head, scare he got caught doing nothing "Can you pass this around, please?" 

Cas happily got up from his chair, and took the stack of paper from her. He makes his way through the classroom handing out the papers, waiting until the end to go to Dean's table, maybe he'll be able to talk to him then.

"You're going to the Halloween party, right?" Meg asks as Cas hands her the paper, he'd barely notice her presence on the class.

They usually talk whenever Meg feels like it, but Cas is aware of her intentions every time she does it. She's definitely trying to get him in bed again, and Cas has to turn her down every time. He likes it, though, flirting with her it's fun.

"Yes," Cas says chuckling a little. "You?"

"Oh, I'll see you there, pretty boy." Meg smiles, Cas laughs quietly and moves to the other table. 

Before he gets to where he actually wants to be, Cas hears him call the teacher. 

"Can I use to the bathroom, please?" Dean asks as he raises his hand. 

The teachers nods, distracted by her phone and Dean almost runs out of the room. 

Cas finishes handing out the papers and waits for a couple of minutes to pass before he's raising his hand, asking for the bathroom too. He's too worry about Dean to care about how bad this looks.

The teachers doesn't seem to even remember that Dean is in the  bathroom too as she nods and lets him out. 

Cas doesn't need to think about which bathroom Dean could be, he knows exactly where he is. It's one of the old ones, near the lab, that no one uses anymore after the flood, but Dean doesn't know that, or at least he hopes he doesn't.

When he opens the door, he sees Dean leaning against the sink, eyes close as if he was focusing on his breathing. 

"Is everything ok, Dean?" Cas asks quietly. 

He jumps a little at the voice, without answering he turns back to the sink and begins washing his hands. 

"Charlie was worry about you yesterday." Cas lies. He still doesn't know how to handle Dean. 

"Yeah--" he says, his voice sounds hoarse, as if he hasn't talk for a while. "I replied to her this morning."

"Are you--?" Cas begins asking again but gets cut off.

"Like you care." Dean says coldly. "I don't need you to come check on me."

"Did something happen?" Cas asks, refusing to let go. 

"Something always happens." Dean says, leaning against the sink again.

His eyes look defeated as he looks at Cas.

"What happened?" Cas asks, getting closer to the sink next to Dean. He doesn't dare to get any closer than he needs to. 

"My--" Dean stares at Cas, almost calculating if he should be telling him this, Cas' face must show a lot of focus because Dean sighs and continues, "My dad and Sam got into a fight yesterday morning. They been getting in a lot of those lately, you know? Sam can't take shit from anyone."

Dean smiles proudly, and Cas can't help to imitate it. 

"I got in the way, of course, I don't want them to--" Dean continues with difficulty. "Two broken plates. I sent Sam to school and I stayed to clean it up. It just got too late."

"Is Sam--?" 

"He's fine. He hates me for sticking up for dad-- but you know that, same old same old." Dean tries to smile, but drops his head at the last second.

Cas closes the distance between them, pulling Dean into a hug. Immediately, Dean ducks his head into Cas' neck, his arms tight around his waist. 

Cas has his arms around his shoulders, pulling his body closer, the sink behind them holding their weights. 

"Did you get hurt?" Cas whispers into Dean's hair.

"No." Dean whispers back, the warm breath on his neck sending shivers down his spine. "It was just an accident."

Cas closes his eyes and tries to calm himself. He remembers how  many times he had held Dean like this after one of his father outburst, he remembers when Dean used to come home really early in the morning and crawl next to him on the bed, Cas having to ask several times what was wrong before even getting an answer, if he had any.

"We need to go back, Dean." Cas says as he pulls him away enough to look at his face. 

He shakes his head."I wanna stay here."

Dean sounds like a kid again, and Cas grabs his head with his hands before he can think. He pulls him closer, until Dean's arms are back around him, pressing into each other. 

"We can't, Dean, the teacher will send someone to get us eventually." Cas says, his thumb caressing his cheek. 

"I missed you." Dean whispers, his eyes closing.

"Did you had any sleep last night?" Cas asks, ignoring the pull on his stomach. 

"No," Dean answers, "are you gonna ignore what I just said?"

"I missed you too, Dean." Cas says pulling him out of reach so they can get moving.

"That was sarcasm." Dean says, a smile on his face. 

"No, it wasn't." Cas says. "C'mon, only two more hours and then you can go back to bed."

"I don't wanna go to bed without you." Dean says sincerely as they gets out of the bathroom, Cas tries not to react to that.

"You'll have to go, you need to sleep." Cas says. 

"Fine," Dean nods, and he seems more awake now that they're walking. "What's the deal with Meg?"

"Meg?" Cas asks, surprised by the change of subject. "Nothing, why?"

"I heard you two." Dean says, as if that means anything to Cas.

"Her asking me about the party--? Dean," Cas stops in the middle of the stairs. "Are you seriously jealous of her now?"

"Yes," Dean affirms, crossing his arms, he's only two steps down from Cas, but he still looks small. Cas wonders if he is the only one that sees him like that. "She acts like--- like--"

"She likes me? That's because she does." Cas says, resuming his walk. 

"And?" Dean asks exasperated. 

"I'm not doing anything  with her, Dean, fuck, you think I go to parties with my boyfriend and cheat on him there?" Cas asks, laughing. Dean doesn't find it funny. 

"Alright, first of all, could you just call him Gus? Please?" Dean rolls his eyes and tries to compose himself. "Second, she's a total asshole. I have no idea what you see on her."

Cas stops on his tracks again. "What I used to see in her, not anymore."

"Whatever, you still flirt with her. That's just wrong." Dean says, while walking pass him, Cas stops him before they can reach the classroom. 

"You've been trying to get me to flirt with you the moment you saw me, Dean, who are you to judge?"

Dean looks genuinely confused. "I can judge her all I want. You were my best friend, and I have every right to--"

"What? Have a claim on me?" Cas wants to laugh "that's not how friendships work, Dean."

 "Whatever." Dean says, he sounds hurt and Cas tries to stop him from leaving.

 "Don't, Dean." He begs "Please, I'm--"

Dean stares at him speechless and then begins to laugh. "Oh my god, why am I even-- Listen, sorry, forget about it. I'm just a--"

"Complete idiot." Cas finishes, a smile on his face now that he knows Dean is not angry at him. 

Dean shakes his head and runs his hands through his face. "I just-- I don't want anything distracting you from me on Friday."

Something hot melts in Cas' stomach and he has to swallow hard before he can speak again. 

"Yeah-- don't worry about that." Is the only thing Cas can say. 

Dean seems satisfied with the answer.

****

  
  
When Thursday's sun shines through Cas' window, he is scare.

He hasn't sleep well since Dean came back. His eyes are wide open as he takes a shower, trying not to shake with fear. He's had a dream again, and he wishes that it was the one with Dean. 

He dreamt of that night again, exaggerating every aspect of it. He had dreamt of that night so many times that is hard for him to remember what is true and what isn't. 

As he sits down on the bed in his underwear and hair dripping water from the shower, he takes his notepad and tries to write down what happened that night. He spends ten minutes in it, his hand continues to shake as he writes. He gets to the part where Gus picks him up before he has to stop himself.

He makes the decision to not tell Dean that part, he doesn't need to know. 

He puts it back where it was, telling himself he'll take it with him on Friday, in case he forgets something, or is unable to keep talking. 

He walks to school again, his pace is slow now that he manage to get out of the house in time. The sky is cloudy, and the sun is already gone by the time he enters the school. 

Immediately, he gets crushed by big arms that he instantly recognizes to be Gus's. He tries to smile as Gus backs away, he also pretends to be into the kiss. Cas wonders why they're still together. 

Gus acts odd the entire morning, as if he had found out the world is ending and he'd like to spend the day glue to Cas. He, to say the least, doesn't enjoy it. 

On lunch, with Gus's arm around his waist while eating the questionable lunch from the cafeteria, Cas finds Dean's eyes staring at him from his usual table. Cas wants to pull away from Gus's embrace but he knows it'll look bad and he'll eventually have to pay for it by making out with him in the bathroom or something. 

Dean looks down on his plate and starts playing with his food, Cas comes back to Gus and Dave's conversation, silently pleading for this day to be over. 

"You wanna go to my place or yours?" Gus asks him as if he doesn't already know the answer to that. 

Cas wants to put another excuse and go home alone, but that would mean he'll have to spend the day with him again tomorrow. He decides to give Gus what he probably wants and then Cas can spend the day for himself tomorrow. 

As Cas suspected, the minute they get into the bedroom, he is already all over him. 

By the time they're naked under the  covers, Gus on top of him, Cas realizes how much he'll rather be somewhere else. He is into the idea of sex, of course, but not like this, he's having a hard time controlling himself. 

Cas doesn't like being manhandled, being told what to do it's starting to infuriate him. He tries to move Gus down onto his back, so Cas can go on top of him and at least get some kind of control, but Gus stays firm on top of him. 

He thinks he won't come like that, not as fast as Gus will. He refuses to think about Dean too, it won't do anything other than make Cas feel guilty. He pretends to enjoy it for a while.

"Touch me." Cas says, and Gus doesn't even seem to acknowledge him. "Please?"

He can feel how Gus smiles into his neck, and Cas hates it. He bites his lip, and he can feel his erection coming down.

"What's up with you?" Gus says once he's finish with Cas, turning to a side to throw the condom in the trash.

"Not in the mood, I guess, I'm going to take a shower." Cas says, trying to control his anger. He takes one of Gus's old shirt and heads to the bathroom.

He takes around five minutes, he is afraid if he stays longer, his mind would take him back to Dean.

"Bobby wants Winchester as the captain." Gus says, minutes after Cas comes back from his shower.

He's decided to stay over at his house that night, the rain has starting pouring down and Cas is too tired to go anywhere. After all, this might be the last time he even sleeps with Gus again. 

 _Fuck, I'm a piece of shit_ , Cas thinks, but that's not news for him.

"Oh, really?" Cas didn't need to be reminded of Dean playing soccer, especially not in bed.

"You know, I heard something--" Something on his voice made Cas stop moving around the room. "Keyler told me he heard Benny, Viktor and him talking about you."

"What?" Cas asks, his heart racing.

"Yeah-- he's into you, apparently. Not a surprise, really, I mean, he wants to steal everything from me." Gus says, completely ignoring Cas. "Don't talk to him anymore."

"What--?" Cas gasps, "You can't tell me who to talk to--"

"He wants to fuck you, Cas, why would you even want to talk to him?" Gus asks, his eyes are close and Cas is  pretty sure he just ended the conversation.

"He's friends with Charlie and--" Cas begins saying.

"Just don't." Gus says, turning his back on him. "He's an idiot, he doesn't deserve your time."

Cas decides to not say anything as he gets into bed next to him. He is able to feel guilty, after all, Gus's concerns about them are true, and Cas is very aware that Dean wants to get in his pants as soon as possible. 

He shakes his head, trying to get Dean out of his head. He turns on his stomach and tries to sleep.

 

 ****

  
  
He fucked up. Really fucked up. 

Gus is not talking to him at all, and Cas can tell his knuckles are white when he grabs onto the steering wheel. 

"I'll be with Dave and Sophia after school." Gus says walking up to his locker, talking for the first time since before breakfast.

"It wasn't my fault, I can't help my subconscious." Cas almost begs, biting his lips. "It was the last thing we talk about and--"

"Whatever." He says, leaving him to go to his first class. 

Cas closes his eyes and bites his lips. He can't believe his life has come to this. He gets to his first class and tries not to have a meltdown, the rain outside is horrible, and his chest feels too tight.

When the bell rings, he is the first one out. He's been walking for ten minutes around the school when he ends up passing right by Charlie, Kevin and Dean without saying a word, and he is only mildly surprised when they follow him immediately. 

"Good morning," Cas says, not bothering with a smile. He doesn't need to that with them anymore, "don't you have classes to attempt?"

"So do you." Dean answer, a perfect smile on his face. Or so Cas imagines, because he refuses to look at him. 

"Where're you going?" Charlie asks. 

"Trying to find Crowley." Cas answers rolling his eyes and turning around to keep walking.

He hears Dean say to the others, "Go, I'll stay with him."

Cas turns back immediately and watches as Charlie and Kevin walk away to their class. 

"I don't need you babysit me." Cas says, offended. 

"I bet you don't, but--"

"Have you seen Crowley or not?" Cas asks exasperated. 

As the words leave his mouth, someone behind him clears his throat. Cas smiles wide. 

"Hello, boys." 

"Great! Need to talk to you about something." Cas says, ignoring Dean's presence. 

"Homework?" Crowley asks, but he's looking at Dean. Cas doesn't like it. "You want something too, handsome?"

"Hey, Crowley." Dean greets, a little hesitant. They look at each other almost expectant, Crowley starts showing a smirk when his eyes gaze down.

"You're talking to me, not him." Cas barks, his smile fading quickly. 

"Easy, hound, not trying to steal your boy toy." Crowley raises his hands and makes an ugly smile. "What happened with you and Gus? I heard you two had a fight last night, problem in paradise?"

Cas can feel his cheeks burning as well as Dean's eyes on him. He looks back at him and then shakes his head back to Crowley. Without warning, he grabs Crowley's wrist and pulls him away from Dean. Surprisingly, Dean takes the hint and leaves to his class. 

 

 ****

  
  
On lunch, Cas has to stay silent the whole time, Gus acting cold beside him. He knows the entire school is watching them, expecting to find another fight to watch, but nothing happens. Cas wants to go up to Charlie and Kevin's table, but Dean is there and he can't make Gus angrier than he already is.

They made out after lunch, and Gus makes sure everyone knows by kissing him in the middle of the cafeteria. Cas is just glad he is not making a bigger deal than it is. Except that it is a big deal, and he can't know why Gus is just letting it go so easily.

He spends the rest of the day silently waiting for the end of school week. When it finally ends, he makes sure most of the school has gone outside before he heads to the locker room to take the easier way down to the shed.

It's raining again, and he's glad to have a tiny room just for him to enjoy. It's not warm and the floor is humid as he sits on it (someone had taken out the chairs, probably to throw them out) but he pulls out the joint he had been making in one of the bathroom stalls a few hours before, after Crowley sold him the weed. 

He lets his head tilt back with enjoyment as he takes the first drag. 

He tries to clear his head, listen to the rain fall, trying to maybe find his sleep. He doesn't. Especially when the door cracks open and an extremely happy Dean Winchester storms in. 

"Stop following me!" Cas yells, still sitting on the floor, the smoke clouding his sight. He hears Dean laughing and close the door. 

"Stop being so easy to follow." Dean tells him as he sits next to Cas.

They look at each other for a minute, Cas still shaking his head. He lets out a sigh and looks at his hand, he extends his joint out to Dean, and he smiles before leaning in and suck on it. Dean smiles suggestive and Cas stares at him as the smoke comes out from his nose. 

"That was unnecessary." Cas says, his hand moving to his mouth and tries not to think about what they're sharing. 

"Are you gonna tell me now?" Dean asks, his legs crossing and turning his body to him. 

"I told you that I'll talk to you at the party." Cas swallows down the lump on his throat. He doesn't want to think about that yet. 

"Not about that, about what happened with you and Gus." Dean says and he moves closer, as if he had any more space left.

"No." Cas shakes his head and takes another hit. His cheeks are red. 

"Please? Was it serious?" Dean asks, and his voice sounds almost hopeful. 

Cas closes his eyes for a second and then hands him the joint, Dean leans again and Cas has to take it back and force him to take it with his own hand. Dean laughs, and Cas hates himself for turning red. Seeing Dean leaning in to suck on it from his hand shouldn't turn him on.

"It wasn't-- it's none of your business, Dean." Cas says, starting to get angry. 

Dean bites his lips and then pouts, looking at him pleading. Cas always hated that look, it usually meant that Dean gets whatever he wants from him. "Please?"

Cas shakes his head and pretends he's not hearing him when he starts complaining. Dean doesn't stop, and Cas knows he won't stop until he gets what he wants. That should be enough to make him stand up and storm off, but Cas finds it endearing and he can't help but listen with a smile on his face. He wants to leave just as much as he wants to stay. 

"I had a wet dream, and Gus didn't like it." Cas ends up saying, quickly taking another hit and waiting for Dean's answers.

"You--" Dean can't hold his laugh, and Cas smiles. "Alright, first of all-- wow. Second, why in the hell would he be angry at that?"

"It's not a nice thing to--" Cas begins saying.

"Oh, it is. Believe, you make the best faces." Dean says in between laughs, Cas almost chokes on the smoke. 

"That was one time! You told me you woke me up immediately!" Cas says looking at him mortified, his body on fire by shame. Dean keeps laughing.

"I tried!" Dean whips away a tear from his eye. "You didn't wake up until like the third time I called-- I obviously saw something."

"Fuck you, you told me--" Cas can't decide whether he is angry or ashamed.

"I didn't want to embarrass you, Cas." Dean finally composes himself.

"Then why are you telling me now?" Cas is still red but he lets out a laugh when Dean begins laughing again, his forehead dropping onto Cas' shoulder. 

When they finally stop, Dean still has his forehead on his shoulder when he asks "Why would he be angry about that, Cas?"

"I wasn't dreaming of him." Cas says, he's too relax now, and he knows he shouldn't be answering any other question, but Dean's voice is too nice, and he wants to listen to it forever. Dean shift even closer, one of his knees on top of Cas' tight. Cas lets his head drop on top of Dean's.

"Who were you dreaming with?" Dean asks.

"I don't know." Cas lies. 

"Bullshit. How did he know it wasn't him who you were dreaming of?" Dean raises his head from his shoulder and Cas already misses his warmth. 

Cas drops his head back and closes his eyes, he can feel Dean's fingers grabbing the joint from his hands.

"I said your name." He confesses, his eyes still close. 

He's expecting Dean to laugh, or smirk up on him, or even make an inappropriate comment, but when he opens his eyes, Dean is staring down at his hand, his face blank. 

"You're not gonna say anything?" Cas asks confuse.

"What do you want me to say?" Dean says, finally taking a hit. "You dreamt of me and then your boyfriend fuck you, what do I say to that?"

"He didn't-- I told you he was mad." Cas tries to explain, he's not sure if the conversation is just bizarre or that's the weed already hitting them.

"Wait, what?" Dean turns to look at him.

"He was mad, and I-- he yelled a little, and then--" Cas tries to explain the best he can, he stops when he sees a smile spread on Dean's face.

Dean does laugh now, "He's an idiot, like a huge fucking idiot."

"Dean--" Cas warns.

"I can barely contain myself around you when we are just talking, and-- he doesn't bother to even jerk you off--" 

"Alright, stop it." Cas says, he's not having this conversation. 

Dean laughs, and he seems happier now, "Well, I'm sure you get angry at stupid things too--" 

"What?" Cas frowns. 

"You get angry at stupid things too," Dean takes another hit and smiles as he passes it to Cas "I'm sure this is his fucked up revenge."

"I never got angry over anything, ever--" Cas tilts his head in confusion.

"Don't make me start, Cas--" Dean licks his lips. 

"I never got mad at him for anything stupid, neither did I do it to anyone--" Cas stops when he looks at Dean's smirk showing on his face.

"Remember the last game we played against Jill's high school?" Dean asks, and Cas frowns at the memory. 

He can't tell what exactly Dean is trying to make him remember.

"You didn't talk to me for a week after that," Cas tries to remember as Dean continues. "you blushed every time Charlie mention my name, you closed your window for the first time--" 

Cas eyes widen and his hands cover his face, he can't believe Dean is bringing that up again. The embarrassment growing on his stomach, he can hear Dean laugh. 

"Remind me what you said--" Dean says, licking his lips and smiling, he is enjoying this way too much. "I remember the penalty, and then the goal I made, I remember the celebration-- and then, you said something, right? What did you say?"

"For fucks sake, Dean, shut up." Cas says, his eyes still close. He can feel how red he is getting. 

Dean continues to laugh, "C'mon, say it."

"No-- I" Cas mumbles, his fist pressing on his forehead.

"C'mon, Cas!" Dean continues to laugh, getting incredibly close to him, "I don't remember!"

Cas crunches his face, Dean keeps laughing. "C'mon, Say--"

"Baby boy! I called you baby boy in front of everyone, happy now?" Cas says, his hands covering his face again. 

It was one of the worst moments of his life, Dean just looked at him in shock and he can still hear Benny's obnoxious laugh behind him, and the worst one: Bobby shaking his head, trying to hide his chuckle. 

After that, he refused to talk to Dean, even looking at him or try to explain himself was too much embarrassment for him to face. Dean, after getting tired of Cas and his stupidity, had called and promised him he won't mention it again and to please just let him in the house again. 

"You never told me why you called me that, I didn't think it was even in your vocabulary. I thought I was the only one with pet names." Dean says.

"I won't tell you--" Cas says, his hands finally dropping down to his legs, he tries to hide his shame by taking another drag.

 "Oh, c'mon! I didn't mind then I don't mind now, sweetheart." Dean smiles at him.

"I--" Cas swallows down a lump as he tries not to laugh at himself, it was a long time ago, and this isn't the worst Dean will hear from him. "The night before the game, I-- watched porn and I--"

The entire room seems to shake with Dean's laughter, his hand closing around Cas' wrist, as if he needs it to stop himself.

"Why didn't you--" Dean makes an effort to stop laughing. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell you what?!" Cas asks surprised "That I watched porn and thought about my best friend?"

"I wouldn't care much, Cas, c'mon." Dean smiles, "We slept together."

"Well, we weren't doing anything inappropriate--" Cas tries to convince himself. 

"Right--" Dean chuckles "We were platonically sleeping together. Your hand on my ass every morning was also very platonic."

"I didn't do it on purpose, I just--"  Cas defends himself. 

"Cas, there was never anything platonic about us." Dean is locking eyes with him, and Cas can't look away.

Cas smiles to a side, unable to answer. Dean leans closer and right before Cas thinks he might be kissing him, Dean pulls himself forward and sits on his lap. His hands go up his shirt and stay put to the sides of his neck. Cas grabs Dean by the hips, pulling him closer, their foreheads touching. Cas is too tired to care.

"Do we have to wait until tonight?" Dean asks, his eyes focusing on his lips. 

"Yes." Cas lets out. He is too comfortable around Dean, and he doesn't want the memories to ruin it.

"You know there's  nothing you can say that would make me stop talking to you, right?" Dean says, letting his head drop to Cas' shoulder. 

Cas wraps his arms around him and lets his eyes close. It feels normal to be in this position again, there's nothing sexual about it, considering where their previous conversation was heading. He could fall asleep like this, but he's not sure that Dean would still be there when he wakes up. 

"We should go, I still haven't got my costume ready." Cas says into Dean's ear.

"I don't want to." Dean complains, pressing himself even more against Cas, his face press onto his neck.

"C'mon, get up." Cas chuckles "this is definitely inappropriate."

"Dump him." Dean whispers, almost to himself.

"Dean--" Cas stars.

"You don't love him." Dean says, finally unwrapping his arms from around Cas and facing him. 

Cas drops his head back and then looks at him. The view is beautiful, Dean looking at him with a messy hair and a sleepy look on his face, it doesn't help that he's still sitting on top of him. 

"That's my business, Dean." 

"That means you're gonna do it, right?" He asks, a smirk on his face. 

"Can you get up, Dean, please? You're not thirteen anymore." Cas laughs at his expression "I'm not calling you fat."

Dean rolls his eyes as he gets up. Cas already misses him. 

"I'll see you tonight." Dean says, looking at him as Cas gets his stuff around. The joint already gone. 

"Yes, I'll see you tonight." Cas tries to smile and fails, he tries to reach for the door when a thought comes back to him. "How's Sam? After--"

"Don't worry, I talked to him. He understands." Dean says, grabbing his bag pack and walking towards him. 

"If you don't hate me by tomorrow--" Dean tries to talk but Cas puts a hand on his mouth before he can start. "And if you let me, I'll like to go visit him with Anna and Balthazar, if he wants to, of course."

Cas takes his hand out of his mouth, and Dean smiles as he nods. Before he can turn around, Dean has his arms around him again. 

Cas remembers how much Dean loves hugging, touching or even stand too close and he remembers how it used to annoy Cas sometimes, even if he never said anything, because Dean wouldn't let go.

Until he did. 

He tries to swallow down the lump on his throat as he hugs him back. Now he's the one who doesn't want to let go. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ay dios mio, this slow burn is even annoying myself, but I promise it's worth it, it's worth it, don't worry. 
> 
> Again, comments make my day, so, feel free to-- do that. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it!


	7. Chapter 7

Cas is an angel. 

He'd met Sam Winchester on Halloween. Cas was seven, and his mother had taken him and Dean out to go trick or treating for the first time. When John open the door to the house, Sam Winchester was on his arms, who laughed at Castiel' costume and excitingly yelled:  "Angel!" 

So, the name stucked, and it didn't help that every time Dean talked to Sam about Cas he'd call him Angel. 

At first, dressing up as an Angel for Halloween was just a funny joke, manly for Sam, but then, after they got too old for trick or treating and they only really went to a few parties, Cas was too lazy and uncreative to come up with other costumes. 

Even after the Winchester's were long gone, Cas would dress up as an angel. 

Now, he stares at the mirror as he finishes his last touches. He has the wings, a little broken from having them for so long, his white shirt and his black pants (He refuses to wear white pants anymore, they all end up dirty).

He stares at the mirror, confused, he knows something is missing, but can't put his finger on what it is as he tries to arrange his hair. 

A low grunt leaves his mouth when he realizes his tie is not there, he searches desperately for it on his closet, when he suddenly remembers that he had borrow it to Kevin last semester. 

He quickly goes to Gabriel's room and knocks on the door, when he doesn't get any answer, he enters anyway and goes through his closet. He only finds an old red tie.

He goes back to his room, grabbing his phone from his nightstand and dialing Gabe's number.

"What's up?" Gabe asks as soon as it rings, "I'm on a date right now, Cassie."

"I need a tie, do you have one?" Cas desperately asks. 

"Sure, at the store. 20$, of course." Cas can hear his date laughing on the background.

"The store is still open?" Cas asks, already putting on his shoes. 

"Sure, I put--Uhm, a new kid to work." Gabe stops and then adds "Be nice to him."

"Why would I be mean to him?" Cas asks, rolling his eyes as he descends from the stairs. "Whatever, thanks, good luck on your date."

He hangs up, putting the phone in his back pocket and grabs his father's car keys from the bowl next to the door. Chuck doesn't mind, since he never leaves the house anyway. 

He takes fifteen minutes to get to the store, and he prays for it to still be open as he opens his car door. He sees the close sign on it, but the lights are still on, so he gets in the store, already apologizing.

"Hey, I'm so sorry, I'm Cas, Gabe's brother and he told me--" Cas begins saying as he gets closer to the register where someone is leaning down on a magazine.

"Yes, I heard about Cas--" Dean says, a smile on his face as he looks up. "He's pretty hot."

Cas stays still as he closes his eyes, trying to stop himself from exploding with irritation. Gabriel employed Dean without telling him, not even when he knew he was going. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" Cas asks, turning to his feet and starting to wonder around the store, trying to find where the ties are. 

"Gabe told me not to, and he was right" Dean says, already walking behind Cas. "Your expression is worth it."

Cas snorts in annoyance. "Where are the ties?"

"Here--" Dean grabs him by the hand and leads him to the back, near the changing rooms "why do you need a tie?"

"Costume." Cas says, already inspecting the ties.

"Angel?" Dean asks with a soft smile, Cas doesn't look at him. "You need white pants?"

"I don't use white pants anymore, they get dirty easily, black works fine." Cas explains, finding the perfect tie. 

"How about a shirt?" Dean asks, grabbing his hand again and dragging him to a side. "The one you have now it's awful."

"No, it's not!" Cas says, offended. 

"It is." Dean says as he pulls out a plain white shirt, Cas doesn't admit it looks way better than his. 

Dean hands it to him but Cas looks at it indecisive, he rolls his eyes as he grabs Cas by the hand one more time and drags him to the changing room. Cas doesn't understand why they have to get inside together and close the curtain behind them.

"The store is close." Cas says, looking at Dean through the mirror with a smile.  

"Turn around." Dean orders, Cas doesn't know why he obeys "Take off your shirt."

"What?" Cas asks, he's whispering and a low chuckle escapes from him.

Dean rolls his eyes again, hangs the shirt next to them and starts unbuttoning Cas' shirt.

"Uhm--" Cas says, Dean's fingers lightly touching his bare skin. "Do you do this to every costumer?"

"No. Just you." Dean says, throwing his shirt out and grabbing the new one. "It's not a big deal, we seen each other without shirts all the time."

"Yes, and that changed when you said nothing we do is platonic." Cas chuckles, turning around to finish button up his new shirt. Dean smiles behind him. 

"Yeah, we also have abs now, which, clearly, changes everything--" Dean says, taking the blue tie and turning Cas around, they stay quiet as Dean focus on his tie. 

Cas turns around and looks at himself in the mirror. He looks better.

"Yep, that would do." Dean says, grabbing Cas' old shirt and heading to the register. Cas follows him, watching as Dean throws it to the back of the store. He laughs quietly as he takes out his wallet. 

"Leave it." Dean says, gesturing with his hand to keep the money. 

"You think Gabe lets me take his shit for free?" Cas asks with a incredulous smile.

"Don't worry, I'll buy it for you." Dean says, walking around the register again with his keys in hands. "I'll love to keep chatting but I gotta close, I need to go change for the party."

"Dean, let me pay for my stuff." Cas orders, walking up to him. "I'll give Gabe the money then."

"C'mon, it'll be my present for your fourteen birthday, alright? I also owe you another three presents, so if you wanna pick something else up." Dean gestures to the store. 

"You left two weeks before my birthday, and you said you already had a present." Cas says. It's hard to say it at loud. "So, technically, you already spent the money on it."

Dean licks his lips before he answers. "That one didn't cost me anything, and I never got to-- gift it."

"Why?" Cas asks as Dean walks up to the door and opens it, Cas refuses to go. "Why didn't it cost you anything?"

"Because-- " Dean puts a hand on Cas' lower back and pushes him out of the store. "I was gonna give you a mixtape, Cas."

Dean licks his lips again, and for the first time since he came back, he can't seem to look at Cas in the eyes.

He sighs before he continues, "See you at the party?"

Cas nods and turns around, he doesn't trust himself with words. 

 

****

 

Gus is supposed to pick him up at 7:30pm to take them to Dave's house, where the party is being held, but Cas knows Gus enough to expect him at no less than eight, an apologize already rehearsed.

He dresses up again, trying to fix his wings one last time before he gives up and sits back on bed. 

Dean's words still hanging around in his brain. He closes his eyes and, without meaning to, he starts to imagine what would've happen if Dean had never left.

Cas' mind changes courses and now he's thinking about Meg, his first kiss. She wouldn't exist in his mind if Dean was still in his  life. Neither would Gus. Gabe would still like talking to him. That night would never had happen--

No. 

He stops himself, standing up and wiping the sweat of his hands on his pants. 

Cas lets out a frustrated noise at the realization that he can't even think about that night, let alone talk about it. 

His hands shake as he reaches for the box under his bed. The whiskey is old, Gus had gifted it for his last birthday, but he pours himself two glasses of it anyway. 

He is finishing his third when he gets the text from Gus. He immediately brushes his teeth, trying to get the alcohol smell and taste out of his mouth.

It works, because Gus doesn't say anything after they kiss. 

 

*****

 

He gets to the kitchen as soon as they enter the house. He pretends to be enthusiast about talking to Sophia as he pours himself a big glass of vodka, barely caring about the juice he is pouring into.

The people are starting to come in by dozens, but Cas hasn't gotten Charlie's text telling him she is there. 

He knows Kevin is not coming, probably staying with his new girlfriend, but Charlie had Dorothy waiting for her in here (Cas makes sure to make a good impression on her) and he's sure Dean would've drag her to the party anyway. 

He's drowning his new drink (he's pretty sure he stole it from someone) when he gets a text from Charlie letting him know they're two minutes away.

Cas panics. 

He sees Benny checking his phone, and yelling that Dean is coming over. The team yell in unison, and Cas can't remember the last time someone in the team had ever been excited to see their captain.

"Hey, Cas!" Benny yells, a big smile on his face "Need more?"

Cas nods enthusiastic, coming up to him and taking his shot glass. 

"Damn, dude, easy. The night just started." Benny laughs, but Cas is trying to focus on stopping the room from moving.

He smiles at the team and then leaves to find Gus. He silently sits next to him while Gus chats away with Dave's cousins. 

His hands are sweating, and Cas is grateful Gus is not paying attention to him. His lips shake as he takes another long sip of his drink.

Cas hears the door open from where he is, immediately crouching behind Gus to hide. He doesn't want to talk to Dean. 

But Gus is dress as a police officer, and next to an angel is impossible not to see. Charlie yells at him, and Cas can't hide anymore. 

He gets up smiling as he hugs her tight, he squints at her outfit. She's wearing a long graduation suit and his drunken mind can't figure out why she is holding a stick on her hand .

"Ginny, you idiot!" Charlie explains, punching him in the arm and Cas laughs, suddenly recognizing the costume and the wand he himself had made for her a couple of months ago.

He is about to make a comment when he sees Dean behind her. He makes an effort to not look at him up and down, tries not to undress him with his eyes.

He is wearing a blue suit, black tie, black shoes, he looks taller and tanner than he look only a few hours ago. Cas has to gulp down his beer, his mouth is still dry. 

"What the hell are you supposed to be?" Gus laughs at Dean, his friends backing him up with smirks and low chuckles.

Dean smirks, as if he is trying to kill Cas. "Better than you."

Gus stops laughing as he sees Dean reach inside his jacket and pull out a FBI batch.

"You wanna know where I keep gun?" Dean smirks, looking at Cas for a second before turning back to Gus. 

Cas only takes his eyes off of him when he feels Gus's hands around him, pulling him close, he feels his cold breath on his ear. 

"Let's go outside." Gus whispers and Cas doesn't even pretend to not be desperate to get away from his friends.

Seeing Dean is making him doubt himself again, the alcohol in his system is still not enough.

Gus gets him another glass once they get in the backyard, his friends already dancing and yelling above the music. 

Cas is trying to have a normal conversation with Keyler when he suddenly remembers that he had left his notepad at his house. 

He panics again.

He can't tell Dean anything without it, he'll get it all wrong, he won't be able to explain himself, he can barely think about it. 

He tells Gus he's going to the bathroom, and after getting the minimum response, Cas gets inside the house. 

"Cas!" He hears Charlie yell, he wants to ignore her but she is coming towards him, Dean following her close. "You came back for us?"

"Actually, I really need to pee." Cas mumbles.

"C'mon, they got the best vodka here." Charlie grabs his hand and Cas can't refuse another drink.

He knows Dean is trying to get his attention again, but Cas is determined to ignore him by talking to Charlie and now with Dorothy. Cas is third wheeling hard, but he can't move as long as Dean is there. 

"Well, I'll go to the--" Cas tries to say as he watches the girls get lost on their own world. 

Pressing his lips together he makes a run to the bathroom, taking advantage that Dean seems busy with Viktor. 

He goes to the second floor, where the music can be barely heard.

Cas tries to focus on his pee as he closes his eyes, he's having a hard time not giggling at his own self deprecates jokes. He is pretty tipsy by now, and he feels like he could do anything-- except talking to Dean.

He grabs the sink, his eyes move around the room trying to find the soap when he hears the door opening and closing in seconds. 

"Hey," Dean says, a sad look on his face. "Are you avoiding me?"

"Of course not." Cas lies, he knows he sound off and a smile spreads on his face. He really likes looking at Dean.

"Good. The bedroom down the hall doesn't have the lock on, we should be good there." Dean says, mimicking Cas' smile. 

Cas frowns deeply, he is trying to focus on what he's talking about. A bed sounds amazing, being with Dean sounds amazing, so why is he scare again?

"Great!" Cas shouts and Dean frowns confuse. "Meet me in twenty?"

"What? Not now?" Dean sounds disappointed. Cas smiles and tries not to fall on his feet as he walks up to him, Dean seems to notice and grabs him by the hips to stop him from falling. "You're drunk."

"Yes." Cas affirms, looking carefully at Dean's lips. "That's why I need time. Sober up."

Is a lie, and he is congratulating himself inside his head for still being able to be an asshole even with a shit ton of alcohol on his system. 

"Alright, I'll wait." Dean chuckles, Cas lets his arms raise around Dean's neck. 

"You're gorgeous." Cas  mumbles, he never stops looking at his lips. 

"So are you," Dean smiles back, leaning in until their foreheads are touching. "Should I remind you of this after?"

Cas nods and smiles again. Before he could say anything else, Dean pulls back and opens the door to let him out.

Cas gets half way through the stairs when his brain decides to suddenly sober up, making him stop short.

He can't do it. He can't tell Dean.

Ignoring Dean's steps behind him, he heads to the kitchen first, making small conversation with Anita while opening the cabinet and grabbing the bottle of whiskey Gus bought, the girl seems to assume that he'll take it outside for the rest of the party. When he is sure no one is looking,  he puts it on the inside of his jacket.

Cas almost runs towards Gus. "I'm not feeling right"

"What?" Gus asks, and Cas is almost happy that he sounds drunk.

"I think I should go home." Cas lets out.

"But I-- you want me to call you an uber?"

"Yes, sure." Cas says, smiling knowing that he won't need to get in a car with Gus.

They move to the front yard and wait sitting in the payment. Cas is looking around, paranoia creeping on him, trying to see if Dean is searching for him. He wonders how much time has passed since the bathroom promise.

"Are you too drunk or something?" Gus asks.

"No, I-- have a stomach ache, maybe alcohol wasn't the best." Cas smiles as he sees a car pulling over.

Gus grabs him in the last second. "I'm happy you listen to me-- you know, ignoring Winchester, I saw how you treated him. Thanks, you're the best."

Gus is drunk and he doesn't actually mean it, neither would he say it in any other time, but that doesn't make him feel less guilty. Cas gives him a quick kiss before getting into the car.

"Where to?" The diver asks. 

Cas hesitates before giving him an answer. His fingers whitening as he presses them around the neck of the bottle. 

 

****

 

A long time ago, Dean had taken him to the old station really late at night, almost midnight, he'd brought sandwiches, fries, two bottles of soda, pie and a piece of cake. No reason why, Cas never asked, and Dean never mention it again. They had the picnic and then went back to Dean's, they crashed the second their heads touch the pillows.

Is still one of his favorites moments with Dean.

Now, Cas is walking around the station, bottle still in hand, half empty. He's singing to himself, but he can't remember the name of the song, where he heard it or who even sings it.

He stops in his tracks and turns around, noticing for the first time since he got there that someone had put a table against the wall.

It looks old, the white slowly fading away, and the chair on top of it is making Cas think that it must be from one of the desk from the new station. They'd been remodeling it and dump everything away, Cas smiles as he thinks this is where they most likely will be dumping the rest. 

Cas amongst all the trash no one likes, he laughs at the irony.

Stumbling a little, he moves towards it, he takes the chair down and stares at the table for a whole minute before he decides he prefers to sit on the table. He struggles a little, but finally he gets on top of it, his back presses against the wall, his legs are long enough (or the table a little too small) to be hanging off the table. 

He closes his eyes and leans back, his brain buzzing from all the alcohol. 

The night is freezing, and Cas only has one jacket, but even then, he can't feel it. His senses numb as he stands back up and moves away from the table. He continues his pace around the place, humming the same song over and over again. 

He notice the change of light first, then the sound of the engine. Then there's silence again, he shrugs his shoulders and continues to move around. 

He hears the harsh footsteps slowly turning soft as they approach Cas. 

"It took you a while," Cas smiles to himself as he says it, not looking up at him. "I thought I was easy to follow."

"You could've just told me to meet you here." Dean whispers, and Cas notice the hesitation on his voice. Maybe Cas looks worse than he feels. 

"I was gonna go home." Cas confesses. "But then-- I mean, it's not like I can sleep, anyway." 

"We don't have to--" Dean starts saying, getting closer to the chair in front of the table. 

"I haven't been here since-- you know, it's a funny story actually." Cas chuckles as he stops to finally turn to look at him. Dean looks sad. "Meg and I decided to go hang out with Crowley-- and around like midnight, her parents call her, she freaks out and leaves. I was in the bathroom."

Cas laughs at the memory, Dean sits down on the chair and looks at the bottle on Cas' hand. "C'mon, give me that, you had enough."

"Don't interrupt me." Cas says, swinging the bottle to take another long sip. "As I was saying, I was in the bathroom when she left, and Crowley convinced me to stay with him and try weed-- Man, that was" He can't control his laugh "That was awful weed-- he sells a better one now, but-- whatever, Crowley fall asleep and I--"

He turns around so he doesn't have to look at Dean, he starts walking again, his knuckles turning white from the cold and the press on the bottle again.

"I ended up here." Cas smiles as he talks. "Guess I missed it-- or maybe I just missed you."

He hears Dean take a deep breath before he stands up and walks closer to him, Cas turns around and gives him a warning look. 

"After that, I never came back here. Because I moved on." Cas is trying to still his voice, but his mind is foggy and he can barely stay focus on his sentences. "I moved on from this. From you."

"Can you give me the bottle, please?" Dean asks, Cas shakes his head. 

"I was doing fine. I was fine without you, so why--" Cas bites his lips, he can't say it. He can barely think about it.

"Would you at least sit down? You might fall." Dean asks again, ignoring Cas' words.

"Why did you dated Lisa?" Cas asks, words escaping from his mouth without warning. He wasn't aware that was on his mind until now.

"Cas--" Dean breathes out, exasperation in his voice.

"Answer me." Cas says, his eyes squinting at him.

"Dad-- he question me about-- you." Dean stutters "And I was scare of it. I thought that I needed to prove to him that you weren't my--"

"Why didn't you tell me?" Cas frowns.

"Tell you what?" Dean chuckles. "What did you want me to say? _'I'm sorry, I'm gonna date this girl so I can keep sleeping with you?'_ That's just--"

"I don't like it when you lie to me." Cas whispers, trying to walk towards him and almost tripping on his feet.

"Would you fucking sit down, Cas, please?" Dean points at the chair aggressively.

Cas rolls his eyes and moves pass him, going up the table and sitting on top of it. He gets comfortable before he takes another sip, he has to close his eyes, focusing on stopping the room from moving. 

"Can you give me the bottle, please? You already drank half of it." Dean asks again.

Cas looks at Dean and then at the bottle, he bites his lips as he gives it to him. He's had enough of it, and he's too comfortable to get up to puke later. 

"I have water on the car, is it ok if I leave you for a second?" Dean's voice is soft, and Cas has problems thinking.

The words form in his brain, ignoring everything that Dean is trying to say, he has sentences, excuses, pleadings, images that he can describe, but they're all stuck in his throat, his hands are shaking, and he's not drunk enough to get them out. 

He doesn't look at Dean, instead he tilts his head back and closes his eyes. A tear is coming out of the corner of his eye. 

"I didn't mean to." He whispers, and he's sure Dean is listening to him, the eco helping him.

"Mean what?" Dean whispers back, and Cas thinks he's closer now, maybe sitting on a chair in front of him. 

Cas swallows down the lump. Dean is here to judge him, just like he should've been. 

"Two summers ago-- I beg Gabe to take me to his friend's house party even when mom told me not to go. I couldn't ask Gus, because-- well, the whole reason why I wanted to go was to be away from him." 

He listens to Dean's slow breathing before he continues. 

"I was gonna break up with him, we've only been together for a month, but I was already over it." Cas chuckles sadly "Gabe-- we were still friends back then, he took me with him. He encourage me to break up with Gus, told me he never liked him--"

He stops again, trying to get his breathing under control, he still refuses to open his eyes. 

"We got to the party and it wasn't long before Gabe found someone to screw. He disappeared upstairs and I ended up alone--No, I had my good friend, alcohol, making me company."

"He left you alone?" Dean's voice makes him jump and finally opens his eyes, forgetting he was there for a second. He stares at Dean in front of him, sitting patiently on the chair. 

"He was seventeen, Dean, he wasn't my babysitter. None of this is his fault." Cas says, his eyes filling with tears. "After a while sitting in a couch alone, a girl came up to me to talk, Daphne-- she was cool, and she liked-- remember that book I always read to Sam?"

"Friends with H?" Dean asks, a soft smile on his face. Cas nods, dropping his head back to the wall and closing his eyes. 

"She liked that book-- his boyfriend, however, didn't like how enthusiastic I was being with her. I didn't even like her like that, I wasn't there to pick someone up, hell, I don't even know how to do that--"

Cas stops, licks his lips and continues. 

"It was fine at first, her boyfriend wasn't drunk enough to fight me, he just payed attention to me, and even after we'd ended the conversation, Adam, her boyfriend, continue to look at me. But then he got drunk. I only had like two drinks, but it was enough to make me--I was young, and alcohol is still not my thing, obviously," Cas's hand closes to make fist, the lump on his throat making it harder to continue

"Gabe's friends couldn't find him, and I was so mad. Adam kept pushing me, over and over again. We went outside. I swear, I'd never felt so much anger towards someone in my life, I was completely out of it."

Dean is breathing harder now, and Cas can't look at him. 

"The first punch was enough to never stop, it felt-- good. There was blood everywhere, people were screaming. I didn't even-- not even a scar on my face, I didn't even get him a chance to defend himself." Cas' voice breaks.

It's the first time he's telling this story out loud, but he can't stop right now, the words keep coming out without his control. 

"Daphne cried all the way, her voice was background music as Adam fell onto the concrete. I don't remember much after that. Maybe cops, Gabe yelling at me, a couple of doctors trying to talk to me." Cas is breathing with difficulty, his entire body shaking.

"I-- I left him blind, Dean."

His voice breaks and he refuses to open his eyes, he doesn't deserve to see, not when Adam can't.

"I didn't stop, not until three people were pulling me out of there. And if they hadn't, I could've--" His face is wet, he's been crying for a while.

Just now, Cas can begin feeling the cold deep in his bones, it's painful but he grinds his teeths and holds down a shiver.

"Dad came to the station, after the paramedics told them I was alright, just in shock. The cops put me in detention until I had my parents with me. Gabe couldn't even look at me, I was bloody and none of it was mine. I must've look--"

He hears Dean move on his chair, he shut his eyes close again.

"Dad came to pick me up after a few hours of being in there--I thought I was never gonna leave, I didn't want to leave." Cas swallows down a sob that comes back up and makes him twist on the table. "He didn't said anything as we drove home. When I got there, Zachariah and mom were there, told me they made it all go away. That I shouldn't worry."

"Zachariah?" Dean asks, his voice affected. 

"Gus's dad. He's a lawyer, and a pretty good one." Cas explains. "I asked about the kid, if he was gonna be ok-- they just send me to my room to sleep it off, after all, I was starting school in two days."

Cas stops, tears are still falling down his face, but he doesn't let the rest of the story of that night leave his mouth. Dean doesn't need to know about what happened wiith Gus and Gabe, not yet.

The silence is heavy and is wrapping tighly around Cas, suffocating him. His eyes are still close, and he needs to keep them that way. Maybe Dean would be gone by the time he opens them again, if he's lucky, he won't have to see him leave.

"Where is he now?" Dean asks, and Cas can feel him move. 

"In college. The last time I saw him it was--" Cas says.

"You visit him?" Dean asks, and he's a lot closer now.

"No-- I, I just go to check up on him, I guess, he doesn't know." Cas can't continue. 

He finally opens his eyes and finds Dean with his jacket on his hands. "It's too cold, c'mon, let me--"

"What?" Cas asks confused. "I just told you I almost killed someone and you offer me a jacket?"

"Yes, please, it's cold." Dean lean in to put the jacket around his shoulders. "What happened after that night?"

"Why does it--" Cas starts, his eyes wide open, he's suddenly sober.

"What happened?" Dean asks again, he's standing in between Cas' legs and Cas sits up straight again, their faces closer now. "Is that why you act like this now? The  whole nice facade? Is that why you quit soccer?"

"I almost killed someone, Dean. Because I couldn't control myself, because I was--" 

"And pretending you're fine helps?!" Dean sounds mad now, but Cas doesn't feel like it's directed to him.

"I am." Cas lies. "I stay out of trouble, I don't play anymore so my anger stays in line, I don't lash out on people, I don't disagree with anyone, I don't start debates, I-- It's fine."

"Yeah-- no sleep and constant panic attacks show that." Dean says, his voice cold. "I don't need to tell you that what you did was wrong, you already know that--" Cas bites his lips and looks away, Dean searches for his eyes and Cas has no other choice but to look at him."But not getting help? Cas, you can't go around your life pretending you're fine." 

"It works, I haven't lost it since then." Cas is quickly to say. "I just avoid things and if I get any worse, Gus usually helps."

"By doing what? Yell at you until you stop?" Dean sounds desperate, Cas can't look at him in the eyes anymore. "You can't-- Cas, this is wrong. You need help with it--"

"Why?" Cas snaps "Why would I need to get help? I deserve everything that's wrong on my life."

"Don't say that."

"I almost killed someone, and I got away with it, Dean!" Cas is crying again. "Why aren't you listening to me? Why are you still here?"

"I don't hate you as much as you hate yourself, Cas." Dean whispers. "No one does."

"I just need--" Cas begins saying, his voice cutting itself with a sob. "I-- I can't change it, I tried to--"

"Cas, you made a mistake. A horrible, horrible one but--" Dean says, his hands coming up to cup his cheeks. "You apologized to him, you changed, there's nothing else to do but to forgive yourself." 

"I could've killed him." Cas whispers. 

"But you didn't. You can't keep doing this, Cas." Dean says, his eyes pleading. 

"He didn't forgive me, he hates me." Cas says.

"You can't change that-- you have got to move on, Cas."

"I'm trying." Cas grabs onto Dean shirt to bring him closer, he can barely feel his fingers from the cold. 

"Pretending to be fine it's not trying, Cas. You need help." Dean's arms reach around Cas and they press into each other. His chin is on Cas's head as they fall silent.

"Dean?" Cas whispers after a while, he hears Dean's body hum "I'm not okay."

He presses a kiss on his head as Cas closes his eyes.

They stay like that for what it seems to be hours, both of them too comfortable to move. They break apart when they hear a thunder, Cas' eyes are puffy and Dean immediately grabs his hand.

"You want me to take you home?" Dean asks softly. 

"Why are you still here?" Cas can't help ask.

"You're not a bad person, Cas." Dean answers as he helps him getting down from the table. 

Cas wants to complain again but he's suddenly aware of his phone ringing. It's been ringing for a while as they were talking, and now Cas is sober enough to recognize his mother's ringtone. 

He reaches down on his pocket and pulls it out. 

"Hello?" He says looking at Dean as he hears his mom yelling hysterically on the other side. "I'm fine, mom, I-- yeah-- I'll-- I'm coming right now."

"What's wrong?" Dean asks concerned. 

"She wanted to know where I was, she needs me home--" Cas explains, still confuse. 

His mother never calls him, or even cares about what he's doing outside the school. 

Dean doesn't let go of his hand until they reach the car. It's only a three minutes ride, but Cas feels anxious the entire time.

"Hey, calm down, I'm sure everything is fine, she's just worry." Dean consoles him as they make a turn. 

"She's never worry, Dean." Cas says, licking his lips. 

"You want me to come in with you?" Dean offers. 

Cas is about to say yes when he sees in the distance Gus's car park in front of his house. 

"Stop the car. Now." Cas orders and Dean is quick to pull over and turn the lights off. "He's supposed to be in the party still."

"Well-- what're you gonna do?" Dean asks as he keeps his eyes on the house. 

"I'll text you when you can come in." Cas says, getting Dean's jacket off. 

"What?" Dean asks, a smile on his face. 

"We need to talk," Cas says, turning to look at him "it's your turn, right?"

Dean is struggling to say something, and only nods when Cas smiles back. Cas gets out of the car before he has another idea and walks as fast as he can. 

 

**** 

 

They're all waiting for him when he gets in the house. 

His mother is standing in front of the chimney, her phone in hand. Chuck is sitting by the piano, a glass of scotch on his hand. Gabe is sitting in one of the armchair, looking angry.

Gus is the middle of the room, his face unreadable. 

"Is something wrong?" Cas asks shyly.

"Where were you?" Gus asks, coldly. "I send you off an hour ago."

"I was at the park." Cas wonderfully lies. "I  just needed some air."

"Well-- would you look at that? Just what I told you, he's fine, can we drop this now?" Gabe still sounds angry. 

"Where you with Winchester?" His mother asks, and Cas' eyes widen with fear.

"What? No! He's still at the party." Cas says.

"He is not. Where were you?" Gus asks again. 

"He already told you that." Gabe speaks again, his voice equally as cold. 

"He wasn't with him, Gus, he's fine." Chuck intervenes.

"Why wouldn't I be fine?" Cas tries to smile but fails.

"You can't be seen around people like him, Castiel. Not after-- you know, the incident that night." Naomi says, walking up next to Gus. 

"Mother, don't." Gabe warns, standing up. "Drop it."

"He needs to know, Gabriel." Gus says, his nose flaring. "I wouldn't have let him get close to him if I had known sooner."

"You have no right to tell him--" Gabe raises his voice. 

"He can't risk his future, Gabriel! You know that, and being around drug dealers is--"

"Drug dealers?" Cas is able to talk again. "What are you guys talking about?"

"Maybe we should--" Chuck intervenes again but gets cut off by Naomi.

"No. He needs to know." Cas holds his breath. "Honey, Dean Winchester left because the FBI was after them."

His mom was on drugs. Or maybe he was too drunk, maybe someone had slip him something on his drink and now he was hallucinating. 

"What?" Cas asks, his mouth dry. He watches as Gabe moves to his side.

"It was John Winchester, son." Chuck explains softly "He had businesses with a big drug cartel, he was selling on the side. Azazel, he was the one the FBI wanted, but they caught John first. Apparently, he took his kids and left before they could get to him."

"That's not-- John wasn't--" Cas is having a hard time breathing, he tries licking his lips, but his mouth is too dry. 

"We had no idea, baby, we wouldn't have let you go anywhere near him if we'd known." Naomi tries to be sweet. "I have no idea why they would even let them back in the school."

"Because of Singer and Harvelle. They were friends with them." Gus replies bitterly.

"The kids have nothing to do with their dad's doing." Gabe jumps, and Cas appreciates that he is able to defend them, because Cas can't find his words. 

"That's right, you have to defend them because Dean works for you now, doesn't he?" Gus' voice is pure evil, and Cas can barely breathe, unable to move from his place.

"What?!" His mother yells at Gabe and Cas jumps a little. "Gabriel, you can't--"

"I absolutely can, and I will continue to employe an innocent man." Gabe stands tall, and Cas' intestines twist in a warning. He is about to puke.

"I won't let you live here if you--"

"No, you can't kick him out, Naomi." Chuck intervenes again, and everyone is surprised he even cares.

"Don't worry, dad, I'm leaving either way." Gabe says, facing his mother. 

"I don't want our name associated with his, Gabriel! I'm about to make it to the Supreme Court and--" Naomi yells.

"So this isn't about Cas at all? It's just about you." Gabe makes a disgusted face as he talks.

"Of course it's abour Castiel! That kid is dangerous, God knows why they even let all of them to come back" Naomi says in disbelief.

"When they finally caught him, Mr Winchester probably made some kind of deal with the DA." Gus says matter of fact. Cas forgot he was even there.

"I'm going to bed." Cas says, his body hurts when he moves.

"Cas, sweetie." Naomi calls but Cas is already turning around.

"I'll go with him." He hears Gus say. 

"No." Cas turns. "I don't want anyone with me, just leave me alone."

"Cas--" Gus is not hurt, and Cas can only imagine the conversation they'll have.

"Get out." Cas tries to calm himself as he speaks. Gus tries to reach out for his hand, "I said, get out of my fucking house, Gus!"

Everyone stay silent as Cas walks up stairs, he's halfway to his room when he hears Gabe yell again. Probably fighting with his parents, because of Cas. 

He'll probably have to live in his store for a while, before he finds an apartment. 

He stops thinking about Gabe when his body hits the bed, his head bury on his pillow.

He'd practically lived with Dean for years, and he never once asked about John's work, or maybe he did and Dean just brush it off. 

Cas thinks of every time John bought friends over, were they friends or clients? Did he ever had Azazel there? With Sam and Dean sleeping up stairs?

How much did Dean even knew? 

His stomach flips on itself and he has to run to the bathroom to throw up the little food he had in his stomach.

He sits next to the toilet, his eyes stinging with tears, his throat raw. 

He thinks about Dean and how scare he looked when he thought no one was looking, how much he protected Sam from everything. He thinks of the Dean who used to crawl on his bed and smile at him, pretending he was fine. 

He thinks of the Dean that hold him that night, and Cas pukes again. 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it! 
> 
> Don't forget to leave kudos and if you want to, you can yell at me on the comments :)


	8. Chapter 8

Cas wakes up at 6am on Saturday, with his throat dry as cement, bad taste on his mouth and a killer headache. 

The sun is starting to rise, but his eyes still have problems adjusting to the room. He drags himself to the bathroom, his body sore from last night's walking. 

He takes a long shower, barely thinking about what he's doing.

He tries to put his memories in order, starting with the time he got to the old station. He remembers his and Dean's conversation with a warm smile, Dean had been understanding and caring in a way Cas hasn't been treated since he left. His smile drops when he remembers he had promised Dean he'll text him when to come over. 

With his head throbbing, he gets out of the shower and moves to the bed, trying to find his phone under all the blankets.

He stops when he opens their chat. Cas doesn't know what to say to Dean, a knot forming on his stomach as he thinks of excuses.

Cas gives up and turns the phone off, dropping it back in the bed. He lays on top of the sheets, only wearing his underwear, and closes his eyes. He tries to let his anger get to him, but it never comes. He's not feeling anything, his mind is blank and he wants to blame it on his hangover. 

 

****

  
Cas gets up for dinner, his parents never called him down, but the smell of the food reaches his room and Cas is starving. 

He passes Gabe's bedroom and finds it empty. Only a bed and an empty wardrobe.

He's able to feel emotions now that he has confirmation that last night really happened.

Balthazar and Anna are the only ones that talk through dinner, Cas knows his mother wants to say something, but Cas stays still, eating his dinner as fast as he can. 

When he's done, Cas gets up and goes back to his room, not a word leaving his mouth. 

At 10pm, Gus comes over. Cas hears his car outside, and listens quietly as he talks to Naomi at the front door. 

After a few minutes, his mother knocks on his door. She waits, and waits, until she's convince that Cas is already asleep. Cas bites his nails until one of his cuticles is bleeding. Dean is all that it's on his mind. He  wants to turn his phone on again, tell him to come over and explain. 

Instead, Cas hugs his pillow and tries to sleep. 

  
****

  
  
On Sunday, nothing changes. 

He turns his phone on, and sees Gus's missing calls and texts from Charlie, Kevin and Dean.   
Cas only cares about the lastest:

 Sun, 09:38 am

_Dean: hey, everything ok? I hope your hangover is not killing you._

  
He doesn't text back. Cas turns it off again and goes to bed, putting on his tv show and expecting his head to clear up with it.

After a while, he finally gets too into the show to think about anything else. 

It's ruined when he hears a loud shout from downstairs. 

Slowly, Cas gets out of his room and walks to the stairs, looking down to the living room. He sees Gabe's crazy hair sticking out, and his mother with her arms close in front of him. 

He can't understand what they're talking about, but after more shouts, Cas shakes his head in resignation and goes back to his room.

The smell of the food reaches to his room again, and Cas is grateful for it. He wouldn't be able to notice his hunger otherwise. 

He expects another quiet dinner, but once his mother turns to the twins, Anna and Balthazar and tells them to leave for bed, Cas knows they're about to give him a speech. He waits patiently on his seat, his head down.

"Castiel?" His mother calls. 

No matter how much Cas tells her he hates being call by his full name, she continues to do it. 

"I know you're angry at us, son, but you needed to know." Chuck intervenes when he sees that Cas won't answer. "We know he was your friend and--"

"Why would I be angry at you for that?" Cas finally asks, his voice dry "That was Gus, and I'll deal with it--" Cas breathes in "I'm angry at you because you let mother kick Gabe out."

"He decided to leave!" Naomi yells.

"You wanted to control his life-- his business." Cas arguments.

 "Your brother employed a delinquent," Naomi spats with disgust.

"Dean is not--" Cas begins saying, anger rising on his chest. 

"Yes he is! Maybe I can't control your brother,  but I won't allow you to be associated with someone like him." Naomi cuts him. 

"What?" Cas' body deflates.

"We only want what's best for you, Castiel, Winchester isn't. You have Gus now, and he's a good guy, he won't allow him to hurt you--" Naomi tries to sound sweet and caring.

As if he was waiting for his queue, Gus comes in from the front door, Cas' heart dropping to his stomach. 

"Hey," Gus begins saying, a shy smile on his face. "Naomi told me I could--"

"What do you want?" Cas asks abruptly, anger cancelling any other emotion. 

"Your parents told me you seemed upset and--" Gus tries to be sweet and Cas immediately gets up from his chair. 

"Great." He says, faking a smile. "Now I don't have to wait until tomorrow to break up with you."

The kitchen is silent for few second, his father has finally stop eating. "What?"

"I'm breaking up with you." Cas says, his eyes lit with rage. 

"Because of Winchester? Are you serious?" Gus is trying to control his anger, and Cas is glad his parents are present.

"No." Cas simply says. "I just don't wanna be with you anymore, I think you can think of reasons."

Gus closes his eyes and tries to smile. "Cas, we can talk--"

"No, we cannot. Now, get out of my house." Cas points to the door. 

"Castiel, he is just protecting you from Winchester, if he hadn't told you--" Naomi says, her eyebrows knitting together. 

Cas lets out a chuckle. It's funny how his mother can't call Dean by his first name, given how many times she had him over at her house, fed him and took him out to dinner, lunches and breakfast with the rest off her kids.

"This doesn't concern you, mother." Cas cuts her. "Goodbye, Gus."

Gus looks around the kitchen, his face contorted into an ugly look. He nods as he bites his lips. "Goodbye, Cas."

 

*****

  
  
Cas is wide awake when his alarm goes off. He's already shower, dress and has his bag pack on by the time the kids are just waking up. 

He turns on his phone, trying to pass the time before he has to go downstairs and face his mother again. 

Gus hasn't call him again, and he only has a couple new texts from Charlie and Kevin, both begging him to answer.   
He doesn't, and he forgets all about them as he opens up a new text from Dean.

 

Mon, 06:40am

Dean: _Seriously, Cas? at least talk to Charlie, dude, quit being a fucking asshole._

  
Cas smiles to the phone. An asshole, that's exactly what he is, and maybe that's who he actually wants to be. 

Shaking his head, he calls Charlie. He only has to wait a second before he hears Charlie's loud voice. "Cas! Dude, what the fuck?"

"Hey, Char, how's it going?" Cas smiles, he  missed the sound of her voice.

"What?! Dude! You went completely off the grid after the party and we were so worry-- Hi, yes, Dean it's him--" Cas hears whispering in the background.

"I was--- out." Cas doesn't care that he doesn't sound convincing. "Listen, I'm sorry, red. I didn't mean to scare you, you know, shit happens." 

"Are you alright, Cas?" Charlie whispers, and Cas knows she'd moved away from Kevin and Dean to talk to him in private.

Cas trusts her enough to say. "No. But-- I'll see you in school, alright?"

"Ok-- Love you, weirdo." Charlie says, and Cas can hear her smile. 

"Me too-- I'm sorry for being a crappy friend." Cas says before he hangs up. 

He's in a better mood when he gets down for breakfast. His siblings are civil this morning, and Karla seems in a better mood too. 

The kitchen still is missing one of the Novak's clan, but Cas tries to ignore it. He'll fix that, he'll talk to his dad and they'll bring Gabe back in no time.

They finish breakfast in a couple of minutes, and before Cas can swallow down his toast, they're all at the door, being rush out by Karla. 

"Castiel." Naomi comes down the stairs. "A minute?"

Cas nods and they get back into the living room.

 "I don't wanna see you with Winchester. Neither of them." His mother says.

"You can't tell me who to be friends with." Cas responds, his voice calm.

"You can be friends with whoever you like. Except for them." Naomi is as calm as he is.

"Mother--" Cas tries to reason.

"Listen to me carefully," She gets closer to him "this kid is trouble, and we don't want that. You have plenty of friends, and plenty of guys for you. I'm sure Gus can take you back if you apologize."

Cas shivers under her cold look.

"You live under my house, and you're still planning on getting into medicine, right?" Cas frowns, a scare look on his face. "Don't ruin that, son."

 

  
 ****

  
  
Cas walks into the school with his head down. He's wearing a big hoodie, black tight jeans and his black shoes, everyone looking at him with confusion.

Cas never usually wears black, let alone a whole outfit of black. Last time he'd been that careless about his clothing Dean was still around. Cas never really cared about what he wore as long as it was comfortable and people wouldn't be tempted to talk to him. 

He is not paying enough attention as he walks through the hall to his class, that's why he jumps when a body collapse against him. He frowns deep until he sees Gus' smile. It's not a happy one, and Cas knows Gus is barely keeping it together.

"I haven't told anyone, yet." Gus talks through his smile. "Have you?"

"No," Cas doesn't bother to pretend. He looks around and sees his friends, including Dean, looking at them expectant. "You can do it, we don't have to do a big announcement, Gus."

"We need to talk about it, don't you think?" Gus says, locking his jaw.

"I--" Cas hesitates, then thinks about his relationship. They'd been together for almost three years, the least Cas can do is talk. "Sure, lunch?"

Gus smiles, and right before Cas can leave, Gus takes a step into his space and kisses him. He seems smug as he turns around and leaves for his class. 

Cas tries to hold down the need to follow him and kick his ass to the ground. With anger filling his stomach, he bites his lips and  moves back to his class. His friends don't bother to go after him. 

 

****

  
Cas opens his eyes when he finally hears the bell ring, stretching out his arms after the quiet nap he just had. Ms Harvelle pretends she didn't notice, and Cas briefly wonders why. 

He makes two steps into the hall before he gets surrounded by his friends. 

"I said I was sorry, alright?" Cas says before anyone can say anything.

"We just wanted to know what happened." Kevin replies, his voice full of concern. 

"Nothing." Cas lies.

"At least come up with a good lie, Cas." Dean rolls his eyes, Cas turns around to face him.

"I don't need to give you any excuse, Dean."

"Cas--" Charlie warns

"No," Cas snaps "what happens in my family it's none of your business."

"What happened with your family?" The concern on Dean's voice makes Cas shiver.

"I need to get to class." Cas says, rolling his eyes.

 

****

  
  
On lunch, Cas meets up with Gus outside. It's a beautiful day after an entire week of rain, and most of the students seem to agree to spend it outside.

Tiding his hoodie to his waist, Cas walks out the front the door, his face unexpressive. He sees Charlie standing in front of Dean and Viktor, Kevin seated behind her, a book open on his lap. She smiles wide at him, making the boys turn to his direction. 

He hesitates when he sees them, a part of him wanting to ditch his conversation with Gus and go have lunch with them. 

Cas' decision it's made when he sees Alistair, Gordon and Gus walking up to him.

"It's a private conversation." Cas says as soon as they can hear him.

"Good morning to you too." Gordon smirks up. "Don't worry, we'll leave. We're here for moral support, we wanna make sure you keep your fist to yourself--"

"Go to hell." Cas says, his eyes cold. 

Alistair snorts and grabs Gordon from the arm, they both leave, laughing. 

Cas is anxious now, and he immediately grabs Gus by the forearm and drags him far away from the rest. He settles by a tree, making sure nobody is watching. Especially Dean. 

"What do you want to talk about?" Cas asks, his arms folded against him.

"I'm--" Gus lets out a sigh before he  continues "I'm sorry, alright? I shouldn't have doubt you. I know you don't like him, and-- listen, if you want to take a break or something--"

"I don't." Cas says. "We're breaking up. We don't work together, Gus, we don't love each other, we're just-- comfortable."

"I do love you." Gus responds, offended.

"You don't," Cas closes his eyes and tries to arrange his words "it's not about Dean, but if you wanna make it about him then think about this-- you went behind my back and told my mother, Augusts, my mother. You got my brother kicked out, and then you just expect me to be cool with it?"

"I said I was sorry!" Gus yells, taking a step closer to him.

Cas, by instinct, takes a step back, and before he knows it, his ass is on the ground. 

He fells loudly into the grass, letting out a grunt when he feels a rock dig into his palm. 

They're in sight now, and Cas looks up from Gus standing in front of him and the students looking back at them expectant. He sees Alistair and Gordon running to them, and unfortunately, he can also hear Dean and Viktor running towards him. 

Cas feels warm hands on his shoulders before he can stand up. "Are you ok? What happened?"

"He's fine, leave him alone, Winchester." Gus growls at Dean, taking Cas by the arm and pulling him up. Cas shakes his arm to let Gus's hand off of him quickly.

"I tripped, Dean, I'm fine." Cas answers looking at Gus in the eyes. "I don't think we need to continue this conversation, don't we?"

Gus swallows, and Cas sees his anger flash through his eyes. He knows Gus doesn't want to make a scene, especially one that involves them breaking up publicly.

"You really want to do this, Castiel?" Alistair gets in the way, and Cas is surprised Gus doesn't stop him.

"Mind your business, you idiot." Cas insults as he pick the tiny rock out of his palm.

"What did you just called him?" Gordon grinds his teeth.

"I told him to mind his own fucking business." Cas repeats, squints his eyes. "Are you deaf or just stupid?"

Gordon gets on his face before he can move, Cas smirks up at him as he grabs him by the collar and pushes him towards the tree. 

Everyone gasp at the sudden movement, Cas' quick moves surprising Gordon. "Let me go!"

"Castiel!" Gus calls him, his hands reaching out to get him. 

"Don't touch him!" Dean yells from behind Cas. 

He hears Alistair beginning to scream, follow by Viktor, and Cas lets go off of Gordon and steps back, but it's too late. Dean and Gus continues to shout at each other. Cas watches as Keller and Benny come running towards them, already yelling and trying to get into the fight. Gordon tries to get to Cas again, his eyes lit with rage. 

Cas' high adrenaline drops and he's aware of what's happening. "Don't. Gordon, just go."

He notices the people gathering around them, closing them in. Gordon closes his hand on a fist. Cas can't know how long it will be until the teachers notice something. 

"You think you can do that to me and I would just let you go?" Gordon pushes him, and Cas' heart starts racing.

He's starting to panic, and he's not sure how long until it starts to show. He can't get into a fight, and he hates himself for feeling like he needs to.

Luckily, he doesn't wait too long until he sees Dean standing in front of him, facing Gordon.

"Get out of here." Dean says, Cas slowly takes a step back, Charlie and Kevin grabbing him by the arms, steadying him.

"How about you move?" Gordon says, taking a step forward, his chin up. 

Cas sees Dean's hand turn into a fist and seems to recover himself. He comes up to Dean and grabs his hand to drag him back.

"Gus." Cas says.

The boy seems to hesitate at first, probably wanting nothing but to see Dean getting into a fight, and maybe even Cas. After a few seconds, he nods slowly and holds Gordon's shoulder to calm him down. Gus whispers something in his ear and Gordon seems to relax enough to let out a smile.

"Safe for now, Winchester." 

The three boys leave through the crowd without saying another word. The students, with nothing else to witness, go back to their table to pick up their stuff when the bell begins ringing.

Cas is barely aware of his hand still holding Dean's. Charlie and Kevin remain quiet as Dean talks.

"What was that about?"

Cas lets go of his hand as soon as he begins talking. His head hurts, one of his palms is bleeding from the rock and his mouth feels dry. "That's none of your business."

"Fuck off." Dean tells him, his voice is still soft and Cas wishes he didn't like it. "I almost fight Gordon because of it, it is my business."

"I didn't ask you to do it." Cas' voice is hard, and he sees Dean flinch to it. "I was talking to Gus and then I tripped. Nothing else happened."

"You don't go around picking up a fight because of nothing, Cas, tell us what's wrong." Dean begs. His eyes are warm, and Cas has to look away. 

"I have class." He says, and hears Charlie sigh annoyed.

Without waiting for another talk, Cas walks away.

  
 ****

  
  
Cas didn't bring his father's car this morning, but that doesn't stop him from crossing the parking lot after school.

He sees Gus driving away three rows ahead of him, and Cas smiles. Glad that he doesn't have to face him again. 

Charlie is beside him. Neither of them are talking, and they'd barely said two sentences to each other since lunch, but she's still there with him. 

Cas is a really shitty friend.

When they stop in the middle of the parking lot, Charlie asks: "What are we doing?"

Cas frowns in response, his eyes are trying to find the familiar shape walking in through the back entrance. He takes his hand up to his mouth, instantly biting off the scar he made on his finger that weekend. 

They stand there for another three minutes until he sees the boy walking happily through the cars. A smile is spreading on Cas' face without him wanting to.

"Sam!"

The boy stops and looks around, smiling widely as he sees Cas coming up to him. Charlie jogs behind him to keep up.

"Cas?" Sam asks, his eyes shining "what's up?"

"I--" Cas can't form words as he stares at the kid in front of him. "I just wanted to know how your favorite holiday went."

Sam's eyes lit up as he starts talking about his Halloween party. Cas tries to smile as he listens to the story.

His hand is shaking next to him, and Cas can barely contain the need to hold Sam in his arms.   
That kid had been like his own brother once, and he wonders if he had any idea of what his father did. He tries to believe he didn't, that John Winchester wouldn't put Sam through the same shit he put on Dean. 

If so, what did John and Dean told him when they drag him from his house one evening? Did John even bother to tell him the truth, or did Dean had to do it?

"And then Dean came to pick up before his party." Sam finishes telling, Cas might look weird because Sam's smile drops as he asks. "Is there something wrong, Cas?"

Cas tries to smile again, "No, I-- so you went as a werewolf? That's awesome, you wanna guess what I went as?"

"An angel, of course." Sam rolls his eyes as he pretends not to laugh. Cas tries to say something when he sees Sam turns his eyes to the left. "Hey, Dean."

Cas waits until the older brother is standing next to Sam before he looks at him.

"I thought you were gone--" Dean says, looking back, possibly trying to find Gus's car.

"I actually should go now." Cas smiles at Sam, this one is the first real smile since Friday. "I hope I see you again-- maybe you could tell me more about Jess." 

"I-- sure." Sam blushes as Dean lets out a chuckle, Charlie is about to say something when Sam interrupts her. "You want a ride home? I didn't see your boyfriend's car here."

Cas clears his throat, looking down at the pavement before going back at Sam. "Very observant."

"C'mon, let's take you home-- Dean?" Sam looks up at his brother and Dean smiles widely.

"Sure, Charlie, Cas, you want a ride home?" 

"Sure!" Charlie jumps, a smile on her face. 

Cas looks down again, "I don't wanna bother you, I'm sure--" 

"You live in our block, Cas!" Sam rolls his eyes. "Maybe I could see Anna and Balthazar again--"

Cas is pretty sure everyone heard his heart break in two. He closes his eyes and bites his lips, trying to prevent the lump from forming on his throat. 

If his mother sees any of the Winchester's in his house, even in front of it, she'll freak out. Even if Karla sees them, she'll probably tell on Cas. 

"I can't, I'm sorry, buddy." Cas says, a tight smile on his face. He sees Dean's hand going up to Sam's shoulder and squeezing it.

"But why?" Sam asks.

"I-- have things to do." Cas hates himself. "Maybe some other time."

"By things to do you mean to be your friends and boyfriend?" Sam frowns.

"Stop, Sam, go to the car." Dean pushes Sam a little, encouraging him to go with Charlie. 

She takes out her hand and grabs Sam from his shoulders, she waves at Cas sadly as she leaves with him. Sam doesn't turn around. 

"Why did you even talk to him?" Dean asks, he doesn't sound angry, but Cas can tell he wants to be. Dean won't allow anyone hurting his brother. 

"Sorry, I-- sorry." Is the only thing Cas can say. He bites down on his lips and looks away. 

"You can talk to him, Cas-- just, don't lie to him. Just tell him you don't wanna be around me and that'll be enough." Dean says, he sounds resign and Cas wonders how much he'd been thinking about it. 

Cas tries to nod in agreement, but he can't bring himself to, "I wish I didn't want to be with you, Dean."

It's weird how much Cas knows Dean, even with things he didn't even do before today. Now, for example, Cas can tell by the look on his eyes, that Dean wants to kiss him just as much as Cas wants to be kiss. 

"I should really go, Karla will get angry if I don't get home now." Cas tries to smile, even with his chest feeling tight enough to suffocate him.

"Cas--" Dean calls as he watches him leave.

Cas doesn't stop, he keeps his head down. With his hands on his pockets, Cas leaves the parking lot.

 

****

  
Cas waits for his dad to get home from his meeting. He keeps going around his room, planning out what he'll say when his dad gets there.

He even goes ahead and thinks about his mother's several potential answers to it, and tries to come back up with his own arguments.

Cas thinks his father will have better comebacks than him, but it doesn't hurt to think of his owns, at least for entertainment.

He needs a distraction, too, from the Winchesters. Their last conversation isn't something that Cas needs to think about right now. He already has a plan, a flawed one, of course, one that has many outcomes, most of them bad. Cas is doing it anyway, no matter how much his stomach twist from it.

Now, Cas needs to focus on bringing Gabe back home, God knows where he is living. 

He jumps from the bed the second he hears his father park his car outside. Cas waits for a couple minutes, he hears the front door opening and his father footsteps, and comes out of his bedroom, running to the kitchen. 

He doesn't expect to see his mother there.

"Cas--" Chuck smiles when he sees him "hey, buddy, how's it going?"

"I'm fine, can we talk?" Cas jumps from one foot to the other. 

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you first." Naomi says as she pours herself a cup of tea.

"What about?" Cas asks, trying to sound interested.

"Gus." Naomi takes a sip of her tea. "Did you guys made up?"

"No. I'm single." Cas says, a smile on his face.

"What? You can't just break up with him like that!" Naomi seems almost angry.

"It's my life, mom, I don't want to be with him." Cas frowns. 

"Son," Chuck interferes "are you sure this is the right thing to do?"

"Yes." Cas nods.

"No," Naomi shakes her head "it's not. You've been with him for three years, Cas, you can't throw that away just because your childhood crush came back. Especially a dangerous crush like Winchester."

"His name is Dean, mother, don't pretend you don't know him. He used to sleep in your couch and helped you wash the dishes." Cas spits out, anger filling in his mouth. "This has nothing to do with Dean. I don't love Gus, mom, stop trying to tell me what to feel."

"We just want the best for you, Cas." Chuck says, and Cas understands that his father will never be on his side. 

"Is that why you kicked out your own son?" Cas asks, venom in his voice.

"Castiel!" His mother screams.

"What? You kicked him out! Gabe did nothing wrong"

"He left on his own." Chucks intervenes again. "We couldn't have stop him."

"Yes, you could! If you hadn't--" Cas says, begging with his eyes.

"Stop it, Castiel. I think is time you go to bed." Naomi orders, her voice cold.

"But--" Cas says, getting desperate.

"No," Chuck shakes his head "listen to your mother."

Cas' eyes fill with tears, he looks around the kitchen, nodding as he tries to control his anger.   
Without a word, Cas leaves to his room. 

He gets to close his door as hard as he wants before the first tear falls. 

It's his fault Gabe left, and he can't bring himself to feel anything but guilt.

His brother and him had once been best friends, especially after Dean left him and Gabe had to deal with his broken heart. The friendship ended after the fight with Adam, Cas knew Gabe didn't think the same of him anymore and getting with Gus didn't help at all. 

Everything is Cas' fault and he can't fix anything. 

Shaking his head and getting rid of the few tears he had left, Cas gets up from the bed and grabs his bag pack. He doesn't bother to check what's in it and just puts his charger and phone.

Hesitating in front of his window, Cas thinks about his plan. He is suppose to wait to talk to Dean, he's suppose to get his shit together before he goes to Dean. 

 _Fuck it_ , Cas thinks, _I need him now._

He begins crawling out from the window, his heart racing as he sees the darkness of the night. He can't see the fall from there. Cas hesitates again.

Dean's voice in his head comes to the rescue. Like when they were kids, and Cas was too scare to crawl out from his window to go to the old station. ( _C'mon, sweetheart, you can do it, I'm right here. I'll buy you lunch if you do it--_ )

With that memory on mind, Cas is able to get down to the floor with the grace he only uses for theatre.

He takes a few steps before he realizes he has no idea what he'll say or even do. Panic starts raising up his stomach and he has to stop on his tracks. 

He turns around and almost runs as he heads to Uriel's market. Cas is barely breathing as he gets into the store.

He searches for something, anything, in the shelves. He can't buy alcohol, he can't buy him food because that'll just be weird, Cas can't invite himself for dinner.

He sees chocolate, flowers and even cards next to the register, but he can't bring himself to buy anything, it's too romantic.

With two pieces of cherry pie in a box, from the pastries section of the store, Cas gets back outside and walks slowly to Dean's house.

Before he knew, he was standing at his front door. Cas looked around, trying to get a glimpse at John's car, but couldn't find it, and wonders if the Winchester's boys are alone. He calms down then, knowing if John isn't there, things might be easier.

He knocks on the door and then turns to look at the empty street, anxiety raising on his stomach, making him doubt again.

When the doors open, Cas turns to smile at Dean. 

He looks back at Cas, startle. "Hello, Dean."

"What-- Hi, Cas." Dean says, clearing his throat. He stares at Cas for a full minute before he lets him in. "I was-- I'm making dinner."

"Spaghetti." Cas guesses as they walk into the kitchen. "Sam's favorite."

"Yeah--" Dean keeps looking at him suspiciously. "What's with the bags?"

"Oh-- I bought-- pie." Cas looks down at the bags. "I-- I'm not sure why--"

Dean smiles at him for the first time since he got there, reaching for the brown bag and trying to find a place to put them.

"Great, Sam gets dessert tonight, I guess." Dean chuckles, and then stops, turning back to the oven to stir the pasta. 

"You're not gonna ask me what I'm doing here?" Cas asks, standing still in front of the table. 

"I guess you'll tell me." Dean says, turning around and going to fridge. "Would you act normal, Cas? You're making me nervous."

Cas bites his lips as he takes his bag pack off his shoulder and places it near the door, a hit of nostalgia kicking in. He makes his way next to Dean, watching him grill cheese.

"Where's your dad?" Cas asks, his voice soft.

"Out." Dean simply says, not looking up from the plate. Cas tries not to imagine what John must be doing.

"You need help?" Cas asks, pulling up the sleeves of his shirt. 

"You can put on the table and call Sam." Dean says, turning off the stove. "He'll be glad to see you--"

"Are you mad at me?" Cas asks, his stomach flipping. "I didn't mean to upset Sam today--"

"Cas," Dean begins saying, and Cas finds that he doesn't want to listen to the rest of that sentence.

"I just needed to talk to him, and it wasn't an excuse, you know I'll never--" Cas rambles, playing with his hands. 

"Hey," Dean finally looks up "I'm not angry at you, neither is Sam. I just--"

"What?" Cas bites his lip.

"I don't get you, Cas," Dean chuckles "I mean, I never used to but-- one moment you hate me and--"

"I never hate you." Cas frowns.

"That. See? You avoid me all morning and then you come to my house with pie." Dean pours down the tomato sauce on the pasta. 

"I--" Cas doesn't know what to say as he searches for the plates, it doesn't take him long to find them. Cas knows this place like the back of his hand. "I was having a bad day."

"You can't take it out on people," Dean says, drizzling the cheese on top of the pasta. 

"But I didn't. I took it out on you." Cas smirks as puts the last glass on the table. "You always told me I could do that."

Dean laughs, "You know I didn't mean it like that. If you'd done that when I was a kid, I'd be crying for days."

"No, you wouldn't." Cas rolls his eyes. "You would've kick my ass, and then we would both cry and Bobby would probably fix it."

Dean laughs loudly, "I wouldn't know-- That Cas would never do that to me."

"I don't mean to hurt you," Cas' chest is tight "I'm sorry."

"Don't." Dean lets the pot on the middle of the table and turns back around to face Cas. "I was joking, sweetheart, you're not hurting me,"

Cas looks down to his feet, "Should we call Sam now?"

"Sure." Dean says, smiling as he grabs Cas' wrist to guide him.

It's not necessary, Cas knows where Sam is, but he's not strong enough to reject Dean's warm touch.

Cas smiles as he sees the painting on Sam' door. It's old and Cas used to find it terrifying when he was younger, Dean painted it when they were seven.

It's a vampire head, or at least that's what Dean said it was. 

Cas chuckles and Dean turns to him, a frown on his face, "You find it funny now?"

"Yes." Cas answers with a straight face. "You're a terrible artist."

"What can I say," Dean smirks "my legs are my real talent"

"I bet." Cas didn't meant to let that out, but once it did, a dirty smirk appears on his face. 

"You--" Dean looks back at him with wide open eyes, his tongue coming out to lick his lips before biting them. 

"What's-- Cas!" Sam screams as he gets out of his room. "What are you doing here?"

"Dinner." Cas answers him, pretending he's unaware of Dean's still look. "If you want me here, of course"

"Yes! We're having my favorite pasta too." Sam says as they go downstairs, his smile never leaving his face. 

Cas and Dean smile as they begin serving dinner, Sam still talking from the bathroom as he washes his hands. 

"I went to the library with Jess and Todd today." Sam tries to sound casual as they sit on the table. "It's really cool."

"I know, it's perfect for studying," Cas smiles at him, testing the waters. "What did you guys do?"

"Study." Sam says, stuffing his mouth with pasta. Cas looks at Dean, raising his eyebrows in question.

"Is that all?" Dean asks, his voice firmed.

"Yeah, and I took some books too." Sam nods, not looking up. 

"Did Jess got something nice too?" Dean smiles and Cas holds down a chuckle.

"Why are you bringing her up? She was just there!" Sam says, his face red. "We're just friends, Dean."

"What books did you take out?" Cas intervenes, finally being able to control his laugh.

Dean chuckles as Sam begins talking to Cas about the books. They get deeper into the  conversation, and Cas almost forgets why he came to do, continuing to listen to the younger kid. 

Sam used to be the one listening to Cas ramble on and on about books, even the ones he was too young to understand, and now that he was old enough, Cas is happy to find him just as interested in learning as Cas was.

When Sam takes a break to eat, Dean having to tell him to, Cas looks down at his half empty plate and then at Dean. He's already looking at Cas, and he makes an effort to smile. 

They smile at each other from opposite sides of the table, and neither of them is able to look away until Sam talks again.

"Are you gonna sleep over tonight?" Sam asks, his plate now clean. 

Cas opens and closes his mouth, "I--" 

"That's not your business, he won't read to you anyway, sasquatch. You have class tomorrow." Dean intervenes getting Sam and Cas' plates and putting them on the sink. 

Cas prays he's not as red as he feels. 

"You broke up with your boyfriend?" Sam asks, ignoring Dean. 

"Sam!" Dean grunts.

"Did you?" Sam eager Cas. 

"Sam, stop being a little--"

"Yes." Cas whispers.

"What?" Both brothers turn to Cas. Sam smiles wide and Dean seems to still be trying to process it as Sam talks again.

"Does that mean you can come over again?" 

"I won't if you don't stop making things awkward for everyone." Cas jokes.

Sam's smile is wider now, and Cas can't help but mimic it. "Alright, then, I'll go to bed now. Good night, guys!"

Sam gets up from his chair and walks away, Dean seems to snap out of his thoughts enough to yell. "Do your homework first!"

Sam growls and walks away faster. 

Cas gets up too, and brings the rest of the dishes to the sink. 

"You want me to--?" Cas begins asking.

"What--? No, no, leave it, I'll do it." Dean says, opening the tap and immediately beginning to wash. 

Cas stands next to him, a kitchen towel on his hand. "Sam seems pretty hang on Jess, doesn't he?"

"When did you break up with him?" Dean asks, handing a plate to Cas. 

He bites his lips before answering, "Last night."

"Why didn't you-- Charlie doesn't know." Dean scrubs a little too rough. 

"No, she doesn't. I haven't told anyone else." Cas goes around the kitchen, placing the dishes back where they belong.

"Why did you--" Dean tries to ask.

"Many things." Cas responds, swallowing hard.

"Is that why he pushed you today?" Dean turns around, gripping a glass too hard that Cas thinks it might break.

"He didn't pushed me, Dean, I fell." Cas says, grabbing the glass from his hand. "We were talking about it."

"Is he mad?" Dean asks, going back to the last dishes.

"At you?" Cas raises an eyebrow, Dean nods slowly, not looking up. "Probably. Most likely."

"Did you talk about me?" Dean hands him two more plates. 

"No," Cas feels himself getting tense "well--" He stops before he can say anything else, another thought coming to mind. "Did you worked this weekend?"

"Yeah-- why?" Dean asks washing the last pot. 

"So, you saw Gabe?" Cas asks, his hands twisting the towel.

"Yes, Cas, we closed the store together. Why?" Dean hands him the pot and Cas takes his time to dry it. 

He finally turns to Dean when he places the pot back on the shelf, "My mom kicked him out."

"What?" Dean asks in surprise "When?"

"Friday." Cas responds, walking to the table and sitting on it. He used to do it when they were younger, and a second wave of panic wash over him when he thinks he's too big for it now. 

"After the party? Is that why your mom called you?" Dean keeps asking, leaning against the kitchen counter. 

"No, it happened--" Cas closes his eyes and looks away, he can see the moon through Dean's window.

"Hey, it's ok, we don't have to talk about it." Dean says, coming up to Cas. 

Immediately, Cas opens his legs a little more, letting him space to put himself between them. 

"It's my fault." Cas whispers, Dean shakes his head "You don't even know why--"

"Even if it's your fault-- Gabe wouldn't want you to feel like it is." Dean whispers back, a hand going up to brush off a piece of hair on Cas' forehead. "You wanna tell me what happened?"

A wave of fear enters Cas' body. 

Before Dean could ask what's wrong, Cas brings his arms up around Dean's neck, pulling him closer as his legs locks him in place. Cas feels his arms around his waist, jumping a little when he feels Dean's head duck to find a place where his shoulder and his head connect.

"We forgot to give Sam a piece of pie." Cas chuckles, able to see the brown bag from where he is.  
Dean laughs against him, Cas has to stop himself from pressing harder on him.

He's not scare anymore as he pulls Dean out, seeing the boy almost disappointed. He smiles as he grabs his head with both hands and leans in to kiss his cheek. Dean lets out a laugh, and Cas smiles, his lips still on his cheeks. 

"Are you gonna stay?" Dean asks as Cas continues to kiss his cheek. 

He doesn't answer immediately and moves to the other cheek, "I don't know-- I want to."

"Then stay." Dean says, his hands suddenly grabbing Cas' head to pull him in front of him. "Stay."

"You told me your bed was bad." Cas tries to joke, he's too scare to say what he needs to say.

"I was lying." Dean says and Cas raises his eyebrows "Don't believe me? Come check it out."

Dean steps out of Cas' space and he almost whines at lack the of his touch. Cas knows he's suppose to tell the truth now, to tell him that he knows everything. But he can't, he doesn't want to know anything else.

With a tired smile, Cas gets down from the table and grabs his hand, guiding him towards his bedroom. 

 

****

  
  
"There's a new toothbrush on the top shelves." Dean says as he open the door of the bedroom and points at the bathroom, he sighs when he sees Cas raise his eyebrow. "You know, in case you stay."

Cas smiles as he puts down his bag pack next to the bed. His stomach twist with excitement as he looks down to his side of the bed. Dean closes the door and walks towards Cas. 

"I can give you a shirt if you want--" 

"Dean," Cas turns to him, his smile dropping "I'm here to talk."

"I know." Dean whispers, playing with the bedroom key. 

He hesitates on his spot before he heads to bed and drops himself onto it. He stretches his legs out and finally smiles back at Cas.

"Go." Dean rushes him to get in the bathroom.

Cas chuckles as he turns around and heads to the door.

He takes his time brushing his teeth, his mind unable to stop the anxiety. Cas smiles as he gets out, letting Dean in.

He sits at the foot of the bed, his legs crossing as he waits for Dean.

"This is awkward." Cas says the minute he sees Dean's head popping out of the bathroom door.

Dean laughs, "It's like getting back into the routine."

"Dean--" Cas swallows hard, preparing himself to talk.

"Why are you sitting there?" Dean frowns as he sits back down on his side.

"I prefer it here." Cas lies.

Dean squints his eyes for a while before he rolls them, "No, you don't. Come here."

"No." Cas shakes his head and tries not to look at him. "We need to talk, I need to know--"

"Don't." Dean stops him, Cas frowns "I-- Cas,"

Dean bites his lips and looks away, Cas forgets what he's doing and drags himself closer to Dean. His hand reach out to grab Dean's. 

"I need time." Dean chuckles, looking down as their fingers intertwined. "I know you need to know, you have to know but--"

"Dean, I--" Cas tries to cut off.

"I'm scare." Dean mumbles. "I don't know how to start talking about it, no matter how much I think about it, I just can't."

"I know." Cas whispers, trying to be heard.

"I'm scare you'll leave me, and I know that's ironic but--" Dean desperately says, "I never wanted to leave you, Cas, you were my-- if you knew, I don't know what you would do--"

"Dean." Cas says loud enough for Dean to stop. "I already know why you left."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a final tomorrow and I'm spending my day editing this. 
> 
> Oh, well...
> 
> I hope you liked it, and let me know what you think! :)


	9. Chapter 9

"What?" Dean asks in a whisper.

"I know about John and-- Azazel." Cas tries to remember if that is the correct name.

"You--" Dean stands up from the bed to move around the room. "How long-- How did you--"

"Gus-- Gus told me on Friday, after the party." Cas says, stumbling over his words.

"How does he know?" Dean panics.

"His father-- I think, I didn't ask him--" Cas gets up and tries to walk up to Dean, but the boy steps out of reach, a hand out to stop him.

"I'm not a-- What my dad did--" Dean is breathing heavily and his eyes are red as he tries to get his words out.

"Dean," Cas tries to calm him down.

"Why are you here?" Dean is looking him up and down.

"To listen. I don't know the whole story." Cas says quietly.

"I didn't wanna leave you." Dean says, his eyes dropping to the floor.

Cas closes his eyes, letting the silence fall on them. He moves slowly towards the bed and pulls the covers off, the white sheet being the only visible now.

"C'mon," Cas offers his hand out "we have secrets to share."

Dean smiles softly as he moves to the bed, Cas turns off the lights once he sees Dean sitting quietly on the bed. He follows him, sitting in front of him, he lets a few seconds pass and then pulls the sheet over them. He picks his phone from his pocket and turns on the flaslight, Dean chuckles.

"Seriously?" Dean asks.

"What? I don't carry flashlights around anymore." Cas smiles at him, watching as Dean chuckles once more.

Cas used to make tents on Dean's room whenever his dad got home, he's not as good at making them as he used to be, but he can still try. Knowing that Dean is usually calmer when he feels closed in a space with Cas.

 "I used to--" Dean begins saying. "Does this work with a secret as big as this one? I feel like our secrets back then were just dumb, not, you know, dangerous and life changing."

"Lets test it out." Cas says, his eyes searching for Dean's.

They stay silent again, Cas patiently waiting for Dean to start.

"When mom died--" he starts and Cas holds his breath. "Dad started drinking a lot, and when we moved here-- he seemed to be better for a little while, until he wasn't. He left his work with Bobby, and when I asked him why, he told me to mind my business."

Dean's hand is shaking and he has to grab onto the sheet to make it stop.

"I noticed the marks on his arms first, and then he started coming home really late, and then not coming back until morning. I have no idea how I did it with Sam, but I dealt with it." Dean swallows down. "I was too young to know it was drugs, I just thought my dad was-- just a little mad. When I met you-- I didn't know, if I knew I wouldn't had let you in the house."

"I found out how bad it was when we turned twelve, but I-- I didn't know what to do."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Cas asks, frowning down at Dean's hands playing with the sheets.

"Tell you how?" Dean snorts "I couldn't, Cas, I--"

"My mom is a lawyer, she could've done something--" Cas frowns deeper, trying to understand.

"I was scare I was gonna lose you." Dean whispers, finally looking up. "I thought you wouldn't want to be with me anymore if you knew what my father was doing."

"Why would you think that?" Cas asks, his voice hurt.

"I don't know, Cas, I was a kid, you were the only one that actually gave a shit about me, there was a possibility you could leave me and I couldn't--" Dean's voice breaks, shaking his head, he continues. "I met Azazel a couple of weeks before we left. I was heading to your house when I found him at the front door. He looked scary and he asked for my dad,"

Dean takes a minute, his brows knit together, probably thinking his words through. Cas leans closer to gently clean the trace of toothpaste on the corner of his mouth.

Dean takes his hand before he continues, "He asked my dad to hide something for him, I didn't know what it was or where my dad hide it but-- everything escalated from there. John was never home, and when he was, he was usually anxious and upset, I did my best to-- make the situation better but it didn't work, so I focus on keeping Sam and I safe and that was it. I kept playing mom to Sam and pretended everything was fine--"

Cas bites down his lips and looks away, pulling his hand out of Dean's reach. He feels betrayed, Cas had always been honest with Dean, and never in his life would he imagine Dean would keep things from him. They were best friends.

"Hey-- don't, Cas" Dean's voice is pleading and Cas has to force himself to not look back at him. "It wasn't like that, I didn't want to lied to you-- but I couldn't tell you. Cas, please, look at me."

Cas frowns, dropping his eyes to the phone between them. "You're telling me you acted fine all the times we were together, what do you want me to say?"

"I didn't. I didn't act, Cas," Dean desperately says "you made everything better, when I was with you, I didn't had to think about John or where he was or anything, I was myself. Fuck, Cas, you were the only reason why I didn't lost my fucking mind."

Cas finally looks up, and finds Dean's eyes fill with tears.

"The night before we left, dad texted me and told me to get Sam and myself out of the house. I took him to his friend's house and I went to yours, I didn't ask why-- I was gonna do it anyway."

Cas smiles at him, and Dean seems to gain enough confidence to continue. "The next day, I found out the cops were there. The neighbors ask me about it, and I had to lied, when I noticed dad wasn't home, I panicked. But, with Sam with me, I couldn't really do anything else than go to school."

Cas frowns as he remembers that morning, when Dean showed up at school. He looked disoriented and shaky, but when he asked, Dean had smiled and brushed it off saying it was early.

"I tried not to think much about it. You were a great distraction, as always, I remember you talking about summer-- you were trying to convince me to--"

"Come to Florida with my family." Cas finishes and Dean nods. "You kept being an asshole and telling me you would rather stay here than go meet Mickey Mouse."

"Yeah--" Dean chuckles.

"Would you have gone with me if--" Cas suddenly needs an answer. 

Dean chuckles again, "Cas, I would go to hell and back if you asked me to."

Cas takes the sheets off of them and turns the flashlight off. Dean looks at him puzzled. Cas moves to the right side of the bed and lays on his back, his eyes close.

"What are you doing?" Dean asks.

"I'm listening to you." Cas says, and hears Dean laying down next to him.

The truth is, Cas can't look at him anymore, not without his heart jumping up and down.

"When I got home," Dean continues, and Cas can feel his breath on his cheek.

"Dad was already packing Sam's stuff. He kept yelling at us to pack faster, and we did-- Sam didn't look as scare as I was, but he didn't know about the cops. I asked him where we were going but he wouldn't--" Dean's voice breaks again, and Cas can't help but turn his head and look at him, Dean's face was above his, Dean holding himself on a elbow.

"I begged him to stay. He told me I could--" Dean bites his lips. "But he was gonna take Sam and leave, you have to understand that I couldn't let--"

"I know." Cas says, and his hand shoot up to Dean's cheek. "You had no other choice."

"I couldn't even say goodbye." Dean says and his head drops to the pillow. "I didn't even get to see anyone, no Bobby, no Ellen, Charlie, Benny or Kevin. Not you."

Cas moves closer to Dean, his arm going around Dean's waist to pull him closer, their noses touching slighly and Dean closes his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Cas." He whispers.

"What happened after?" Cas asks.

"He took us to Kansas with his girlfriend, Pamela, and I-- I guess we hid there. Pamela is a teacher, and she homeschool us for a little while." Dean's hand comes up to Cas' shirt to play with the collar. "And then-- the cops found him and took him with them, Pamela got to have us and she-- I mean, she was great and we were finally able to go back to school while dad was on trial. I don't know much about it, but he made a deal or something to help them with Azazel."

Cas stays quiet, watching Dean swallow down a lump.

"He did, and got full immunity. That's why nobody is supposed to know anything, my dad could-- fuck, I'm not supposed to say anything."

"You don't have to keep saying anything," Cas whispers.

"I was scared of coming back. When Pamela told us we could come back with our dad if we wanted I-- I wasn't sure if I could."

Cas pulls his arms out from around Dean and turns his head away, his heart on his stomach. He can feel the hurtful answers in his mouth before he can think them.

"Don't, hey," Dean sighs as he watches Cas turn on his back again, looking up at the ceiling. "You weren't the only one who got hurt, Cas. I was drag out of my house, my town, and had to hide for months, my dad was a fucking drug dealer."

"I didn't know if you were okay." Cas whispers and the emotions on his voice made it difficult to continue. "I would've given anything to just know that you were okay, that Sam-- I wanted to be mad at you, and I did. Otherwise, I don't know what I would of done--"

Cas cuts himself, closing his eyes to stop the tears. Dean moves besides him and Cas feels his hand on his hip first, and then Dean's forehead is touching his side of the face, his nose on Cas' cheek.

"I wanted to come home with you, but I was scare you wouldn't be here. That-- you wouldn't care." Dean says

"That's exactly what happened." Cas frowns in the dark. "I acted like I didn't care."

"No-- well, yeah, but I couldn't back out yet, I needed you to at least let me explain." Dean smiles and Cas turns to a side, their noise touch slightly.

"What?" Cas smiles back.

"I never expected you to-- be into me as much as you were." Dean's smile widens.

"Shut up." Cas frowns again but turns his body again, Dean's hand grips tighter on his hip. "Just because you're hot--"

"You don't like me because I'm hot, you like me because I'm awesome," Dean says, one leg going in-between Cas'.

"Maybe." Cas chuckles, a hand coming up to cup Dean's neck and pull him closer, their noises are touching again and Cas makes a point to not touch his lips.

"And I let you do whatever you want to me, apparently." Dean whispers, closing his eyes when Cas' hands travel down his torso to pull his shirt up to touch his bare skin.

"Where's your dad now? And this-- Pamela." Cas asks.

"Pamela got a job in a elementary school around here, but she studies at night too. Dad-- I'm not supposed to say, and even if could, I'm not sure if I even know much."

"Why did you never tried to--" Cas doesn't even pretend he can finish that question.

"Alright-- I-- Fuck, I'm gonna just expose myself here, and you can go or laugh or just--" Dean tries to back away from Cas, but he pulls him closer, their foreheads are touching and their eyes are close, making it easy for Dean to talk. "It wasn't a secret that I liked you more than a friend, was it? But I was never sure of you-- if you felt the same way, you know, even when everyone--"

"Who's everyone?" Cas asks, exasperated "I never heard anyone talk--"

"Yeah, Benny used to say that was because you never gave two shits about anyone that wasn't me." Dean smiles.

"Well-- that's-- People are boring." Cas shakes his head. "You can't really blame me for not paying attention."

"Anyway--" Dean laughs. "I never knew how you felt. You weren't exactly vocal about it, and there's no denying who the clingy one is." It's Cas' turn to laugh. "When I asked Lisa out, I never did it to get you to be jealous, it was-- I wanted you to come home without my homofobic father suspecting anything, but then you--"

"I knew I liked you when you started dating her." Cas confesses, opening his eyes to find  
Dean's wide open, "Before-- I didn't had to think about anything because I-- I already--"

"Had me. Yeah, that's how I felt too." Dean sighs and drops his head back onto the pillow.

"After a while away, I-- convinced myself you didn't gave a shit about me. I wanted to call, to text, hell, I wanted to take the fucking car and come back just to see you. But I couldn't."

They stay silent, Cas trying to find the boy's hand under the covers, when he finally does he's quick to intertwined their fingers together, Dean lets out another sigh.

"I don't expect you to forgive me. To be honest, I was glad you wanted me to wait just because it meant we had more time," Dean whispers, his eyes closing.

"If you want to leave, if you don't wanna be around-- I wouldn't want to be around a family as fucked up as mine-- I can understand that, just tell me."

Dean finally opens his eyes, pulls his hand out from under Cas and backs away, sitting up on the bed and turning slighly to look at Cas.

"Please, if you can't be with me just-- tell me and I'll let you go."

Cas frowns looking at the ceiling, his hand on his chest, a soft smile forming on his face. His heart feels full for the first time in years, he can feel the warmth of Dean's body on his own, he closes his eyes and breathes in. Dean is right, the bed is awful but he prefers being in this one with Dean than alone on his.

With his smile never leaving his face, Cas gets himself up with his elbows and fcces Dean. He licks his lips before he reaches behind Dean's neck with his hand and pulls him in for a kiss.

It a soft, taunting kiss on the lips, almost a peck that last for too long. Cas is scare as he pulls away, his hands grips his hair tighter, not wanting to let go of Dean.

Dean, not wasting a second, follows Cas' lips, pressing them together again. A smile escapes Cas' mouth and Dean imitates it, letting his lips finally move.

The kiss stays sweet and innocent for a while, both of the boys giggling into it.

"Are you staying?" Dean asks, pulling away from Cas, his lips look a little red and Cas can't help pulling him back down, their lips crashing again.

He takes his chance then, and flips Dean onto his back and puts himself in between his legs.

He smiles down on him as he answers. "I would like to stay if that's ok with you."

Dean nods happily as he wraps his arms around Cas' neck and kisses him.

It gets deepen almost immediately, Cas is carefully discovering his mouth when he feels Dean's legs going around his waist and their bodies start pressing together. It pulls a sigh out of them, and hands are quick to explore each other.

Cas is feeling his stomach turn hot, and his lips are tingling with the need to taste more of Dean, his mouth leaves his lips and moves to Dean's neck, kissing and sucking on it, drunk on the little noises leaving Dean's mouth.

"Cas--" Dean moans, and it's enough to make him go crazy.

Cas can feel his hands reaching under Dean's shirt, feeling the hot skin on his fingers. His lips move back up to his mouth, trying to taste more, Dean is smiling again and his hands are all over Cas' hair.

Cas' hands touch a sensible spot on Dean' sides and Cas takes note of it. With his head dizzy and his lips still tingling with need, Cas pulls away. Dean tries to follow him but Cas shakes his head.

"We can't--" Cas breathes out and his eyes get lost on Dean's disappointed look. He can't look at it for too long, and leans to kiss him again. "We have school tomorrow and I need to get up earlier to get home."

"Need you." Dean pouts, and Cas bites his lips.

Dean used to that too, whenever he needed Cas to do something he wasn't sure he could do; playing soccer on a rainy day, help him with homework, sleep outside the cinema to get tickets, and many other things that Cas always ends up saying yes to.

"You're gonna use that for sex too?" Cas smiles, unable to stop himself from planting a kiss on his cheek.

"I'm not." Dean chuckles when Cas moves to his neck again. "But it works, doesn't it?"

"No." Cas gets up and moves back to his side, he feels empty without Dean's legs around him.

The feeling doesn't last long, Dean gets on top of him before Cas can even let his head on the pillow.

"Dean-- I said no." Cas says with a smile.

"I know. I just--" Dean ducks his head to his neck and Cas wraps his arms around Dean. "Can I sleep here?"

"Of course." Cas kisses his hair, his eyes already closing.

 

****

 

It's warm.

Cas opens his eyes to a still dark room, feeling Dean's slow breathing besides him.

He reaches out to him, his hand grabbing his hips, Cas smiles when he sees him smile on his sleep.

"Dean?" Cas whispers and gets no answer.

He leans in and places a kiss on his cheek, Dean smiles again. "C'mon, Dean, wake up."

Dean frowns, taking his hands to his face, he takes a second to look at Cas before he sits up on the bed.

"I need to--" Cas begins saying again, but it gets cut off by Dean moving to his lap.  
He strands him by the side of Cas' hips, his body presending against him, Dean's head hidden on his neck again.

Cas chuckles and pulls his arms around him, he kisses his hair and whispers, "c'mon, gorgeous, I have to go."

"No." Dean said, his hot breath tickling the back of his neck.

"Dean. Now." Cas said as hard as he could, a smile never leaving his face.

Dean huffs and finally moves, his hair sticking up all over as he sits up. He's still on top of Cas, and he has to stop thinking where exactly he can feel his ass.

"We can go to school together." Dean offers.

Cas smiles again, sitting up again, he grabs Dean by his legs to move together back onto the headboard. They kiss.

"I can't. I need to get my stuff from home." Cas says in between kisses.

Dean huffs as he gets out of Cas and takes his sweatpants from the floor, Cas follows him as he puts on his shirt.

Silently, they get out of the bedroom, and move to the front door.

"I'll see you at school." Cas smiles, seeing as Dean hugs his body. The house is cold and Dean had refuse to put on a shirt.

"Yeah--" Dean gulps down "you coming back tonight?"

Cas looks down at his shoes, thinking about the consequences of the situation. He'll have to lie to everyone, and he is sure that whatever they're doing right now will have to be a secret for a while. But he doesn't care, non of it matters as long as he's home with the Winchesters.

"Can we have pizza?" Caas asks, leaning in to Dean's space.

"Whatever you want." Dean smiles wide as he leans to place a tender kiss on his lips.

 

****

 

"Zachariah asked about you last night." Naomi comments once Cas gets to the kitchen table.

The kids are yelling and laughing, and Cas is still trying not to look guilty as he serves himself more scramble eggs. None of them seem to had notice Cas'd been gone all night.

"What did he wanted? We haven't talk in ages." Cas mumbles, not able to look at his mother in the eyes.

"He wanted to know what had happened with you and Gus, of course." Naomi says, biting her lips and playing with her food. "I think you should--"

"Stop." Cas cuts her off. "I don't have time for this."

Cas quickly grabs his backpack and leaves the kitchen. He doesn't stop until he's out the house.

His chest feels heavy and his eyes are tearing up, a knot forming on his throat. The mention of Zachariah didn't set well, and seeing his mother still so angry at him makes him unable to stop the tears from falling down his face.

_It's not my fault_ , he repeats as he walks to school, _It's not my fault_.

 

****

 

Math class is ridiculous. Cas can't concentrate on anything other than his fingers playing around with the rubber, carefully staring out the window.

The teacher doesn't notice him anymore after he hand over the homework, and he doesn't even bother to call him out to answer any question.

Cas is ready to fall asleep on his desk when his phone buzzes annoyingly on his pocket. Without anything else to do, he checks it, a smile on his face as soon as he opens it.

Tuesday, 9:30am  
Dean: Morning, sunshine. U busy?

_Tuesday, 9:31am_  
_Cas:_ Meet me in the bathroom in 5.

Cas smiles widely as he puts his phone back on his pocket. He waits for the teacher to give the next assignment before he raises his hand.

Mr. Guid nods his head and watches carefully as Cas leaves the room. He walks slowly at first, trying not to draw attention.

He is halfway down the stairs when he's had enough and makes a run to the bathroom. Opening the door a little too rough.

"That desperate?" Dean laughs, leaning against the sink.

Cas smiles as he walks up to him, his hands up to grab his face, pulling him down for a kiss.

Dean smiles into it as he tries to talk, "Was that class really bad?"

Cas' hands grab Dean's sides to pull him into one of the stalls. The memories of that morning, the guilt and the pain are push to a side when he feels Dean's tongue pushing to meet his. A low grunt escapes his mouth without warning and Cas can feel Dean's laughter through his body as they press each other tightly.

They're too far gone into their touches and miss the sound of the door opening and only separate when they hear a voice.

"Castiel?" One of his classmates called, "Is everything ok? The teacher made--"

"Yeah, Yeah, I'm fine, Wallace, just give me a minute." Cas says, his eyes never leaving Dean's, who's still trying not to laugh.

They both wait until Wallace is out before letting out a chuckle.

"You're having lunch with us, right?" Dean asks as they get out of the stall, still whispering in case the guy is out waiting for Cas.

"Sure." Cas' head is buzzing with excitement, he only has to wait three more hours before he finally gets to be with his friends again.

"Are you sure you don't wanna come home after school?" Dean asks, leaving another kiss on his lips before they leave.

"I--" Naomi's voice comes rushing back into his mind but it gets brushed off when Dean kisses him again. "I would love to."

Dean gives him one more smile before Cas leaves to his class.

 

****

  
He barely makes the three hours without falling asleep. He'd spend the first two hours texting with Dean, silently laughing and ignoring his work, the last hour Mr Phelps ended up yelling at him and almost taking his phone away.

Cas hadn't been yelled at by a teacher since-- years. More precisely, when Dean was still around, and kept sending him videos of funny cats in Ms Harvelle's class.

He should be upset, or even ashamed, but he can't help how happy he feels.

It's been years since he's felt this free to be himself. He's not scared to speak his mind, to feel bad, to make jokes, to laugh out loud.

He can see it now, how much help he needs. 

Dean is right, he needs to stop hiding. 

Cas smiles as he walks up to the cafeteria. His hands shaking with excitement.

His new life, or old one, is starting now. He's ready to be a good friend to Charlie and Kevin, to listen to them, he's ready to be the old Cas, who joked around with his team. 

He's ready to do whatever Dean and him are, he's ready to finally let himself free.

The front door opens a few steps ahead of him, but he doesn't bother to take a run for it. He's not rushed. 

He's two steps from the door when his phone starts to vibrate loudly on his pocket, scaring him in the quiet of the hall.

"Hello?" Cas frowns at the strange sound on the other end.

"Castiel!" Zachariah's voice is loud and happy. "We really need to talk don't we?"

"I'm sorry but--" Cas begins saying, he's not pretending to be cordial anymore.

"But nothing." The man cuts, his voice turning cold. "If you think you can just break everything and have Daddy pay for it-- well, you're wrong, Castiel, you're very wrong."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Tana Mongeau's voice* I'm a motherfucking asshole.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me now, where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart? -White Blank Page, Mumford and Sons

Cas sits on the middle of the soccer field and closes his eyes.

The phone is still on his hand as he lets it vibrate, probably with messages of Dean, Charlie or Kevin.

He waits out the anger, not his usual way of doing things, but he thinks it's helping a little more. He lets it get under his skin, fill his guts and burn his throat. Cas' eyes are slowly filling up with tears and he doesn't stop them when they start falling.

He cries with his hands on his face, an ugly sob leaving his mouth. For a second, he wishes Dean would show up in the field, shake him until he lets out what's wrong and just-- _fix it_ , because that's what Dean does, he fixes every problem Cas has with just a few words, a smile and a warm look on his eyes.

Cas needs him, but he's not sure he's what Dean needs.

He hears footsteps near him, but he doesn't bother to turn around. It sounds soft against the grass, too quiet to be a student.

Cas knows it's Bobby before the old man is in front of him. He lets out a sigh, but he doesn't try to cover up his face, looking sadlly up at the coach.

"Shall I ask?" Bobby says, slowly sitting down onto the grass, shifting on his legs to get comfortable. It's odd to see Bobby talk to him for more than he needs to, and Cas always though Bobby kinda hated him if he's honest. 

"No-- sir." Cas is able to answer.

"Alright, can I ask at least why you chose my field to cry your sorrows?" Bobby searches for something around the open space, probably to see if anyone is around.

"I don't know, I-- like it here, I guess." Cas answers, wiping off a tear from his cheek.

The wind blows harder and Cas hugs himself as he feels the cold on the tip of his fingers. His head hurts from crying so much and his legs are barely keeping themselves from shaking.

"I--" Bobby begins saying before he stops, searching for the right words. "I never asked why you left the team--"

Cas nods slowly, praying Bobby wouldn't ask now. He remembers that day, when Gus had to push him a little to face the coach and finally give him the resignation. Bobby had barely look at him in the eyes, nodding patiently as the rest of the team continue to complained.

"Because I never had to ask why, I already knew why. I knew that the field, the rest of the team, hell, even the soccer ball was too much for you. Dean was everywhere." Bobby looks up the sky and Cas looks at him in awe, not knowing what to say. "I love that kid like my own, and when he left-- well, you weren't the only one suffering. I was-- glad that you left the team."

Cas head shots up to lock eyes with Bobby's, his brown eyes already staring at his. "What?"

"It was you, idjit. Not soccer, not school, not the house. You were my constant reminder that Dean wasn't here. Every time I looked at you, I expected to see him by your side." Bobby smiles softly for the first time as they stay silent. Cas's eyes too dry to keep crying.

"Are you saying all of this just to get me back on the team?" Cas asks, smiling jokingly.

The coach chuckles before answering seriously. "Freddie is still on a break, we have to beat the Dawson's again next week and yes, I do want you back on the team."

Cas looks down onto the green grass. He appreciates Bobby's invite, and his legs move a little, as if they want to say yes too.

He wants to play, he knows he can win again, Cas likes the feeling of power and control a soccer game gives him.

None of that matters, of course, when your ex and your -whatever Dean is- play for the same team.

Bobby seems to read his mind, "it's your decision not anyone else's, think about it, would ya?"

With that, Bobby stands up, gives him his usual warm nod and then begins his walk back to the school.

Cas' tears are dry on his face, and the cold wind makes his cheek hurt.

He makes his way to the parking lot, avoiding any teacher or student passing by. He is sure now, that Ms Mills will have to call Chuck and Naomi to let them know that Castiel had been skipping classes.

But Cas doesn't care anymore, he can risk a detention, he can't risk losing Dean again.

 

****

 

He takes a slow shower, trying to wash off his meltdown.

When he's out of the bathroom, his suit looking brand new, he makes sure his tie is placed correctly above the buttons before he puts on his jacket.

The restaurants Zachariah picks are always for business people, everyone is on suits and most of them aren't even American.

Cas would rather have this conversation over at Biggerson's, where he feels at least comfortable or can eat a fantastic burger instead of a peanut size salad.

But Mr. Silverman made it very clear this is a business problem, whatever that means.

From what he told Cas over the phone, this meeting will be nothing like a regular one.

With nothing else to do but wait, Cas sits down on the bed and finally checks his phone.

Dean, as he suspected, has texted him a dozen of times, and he doesn't bother to check how many missing calls he has.

Today, 11:23 am.  
_Dean_ : Hey, where are u?

Today, 12:00pm.  
_Dean_ : I passed by your classroom and didn't see u, everything ok?

Today, 12:28pm.  
_Dean_ : stop doing this, god dammit, answer me.

Today, 01:23pm.  
_Dean_ : please.

Cas closes his eyes shut as he reads the last message, his heart burning with guilt. He wants to call Dean more than he wants anything else in his life, but his fingers dig into his palms in an attempted to make himself stop and think.

After a while, he decides to text him a quick message before he leaves.

Today, 02:57pm.  
_Cas_ : I wasn't feeling great, I went home and didn't even look at my phone, sorry, Dean.

He stares at the message for a minute before he presses send. Cas tries to shake off his guilt as he places his phone on his back pocket and walks out of his room, he tries to look confident. Dean will have the full story later that evening, if-- No, things will go right this time, no one, not even Zachariah can take his happiness away.

With his father's car keys in hand, Cas walks out of the house.

 

****

 

Adler's parking lot is full by the time he gets there and Cas has to go around the streets to find a spot. He curses himself over and over again, afraid of being late and keeping Zachariah waiting, Cas remembers how passive-aggressive Mr. Silverman used to get whenever Gus and him were late to anything, he can't imagine how he'll get if Cas gets late to a meeting this important, especially after he broke up with his son.

By the time he gets to the front desk, Mr. Silverman is already smiling up at him from a table near the center. Cas instantly freezes, the room is full of people, and he shrinks as he walks past them, his plan of being the big mature man going down the drain already.

He sits down in front of Zachariah and tries to fake a smile, but fails, and his mouth only twitches a little. "Hello, Mr. Silverman."

"You never liked calling me Zach, right, Cas?" The old man smiles wide as he points to the menu. "Go ahead, you can have whatever you want."

Cas pretends to read as he tries to calm himself down, his palms already sweating. He jumps on his seat when he sees the waitress next to him.

"Ready to order?" She asks sweetly.

"A coffee would be nice." Cas replies, trying to come up with a better smile.

"That's all? Are you sure, Castiel?" Zachariah intervenes, and Cas can hear the irritation on his voice.

"Yes, thank you--" Cas squints his eyes at the name tag on the waitress' dress "Thank you, Hannah."

She nods, a genuine smile on her face, and leaves the two man alone. Zachariah has a joyful look on his face as he takes a sip of his water, Cas scratches the back of his neck and looks around the room, trying to look a lot more comfortable than he feels.

A couple is arguing quietly in front of their table, but Cas quickly takes his eyes off of them and turns around to look at the two Asian man laughing at something their friend said. Cas swallows down a lump as he watches Hannah bring him his coffee, he tries to stay calm as she places down his cup. Cas smiles up at her, but drops it as soon as he feels his phone vibrate on his pocket.

He closes his eyes tight, and waits for Hannah to go before he opens them again, "Why am I here?"

"Straight to business then?" Mr. Silverman finally drops his smile and looks at Cas in the eyes. "You know that your mom and I-- We're working towards something--"

"Yes. I am aware." Cas cuts him off, his voice deeper than normal.

"And I know you know how important it is for us to keep up-- our  image."

"Wait--" Cas frowns, "you don't actually care about Gus and I? This is because-- mother doesn't want to ruin her image?"

"Well, of course, she cares about your well being and blah blah--" Zachariah makes a face and giggles as he takes a sip of his coffee. "C'mon, Cas, you don't really think that Winchester boy is any good, right?"

"Yes, I do" Cas answers immediately. "And he shouldn't pay for his father's sins."

"Oh, cut the crap, Castiel. This isn't about them, I don't care about them. I care about my firm, about my name and your mother's name not being connected to Winchester's. Let's make this simple, If you promise to never see them, talk to them, or even think about hanging out with them again, then I won't--" Zachariah gestures at nothing, but his smile is enough for Cas to feel threatened.  

"You won't, what?" Cas carefully asks, his coffee getting colder.

"This isn't a game, son." Zachariah's face turns serious. "You don't wanna date my son-- that's fine, but there's no way in hell I'll let you ruin what your mother and I have built."

"Or what?" Cas pushes, leaning into the table, his heart is racing and he feels his knuckles turning white from gripping the table too hard.

"Or I'll send John Winchester to die." Zachariah casually says as he waves his hands to the waitress."Hey, sweetie, can we get some cheesecake over here?"

Cas stares at Zachariah with a fearful look on his face, not sure what to say next. His phone begins ringing on his pocket again, and he tries to forget about it as Hannah walks up to them with two pieces of cake on her hands. Cas' stomach flips with disgust as he stares down at his plate.

"You'll kill him?" Cas whispers, making sure Hannah is gone.

"Me? Of course not!" Zachariah laughs, "But-- well, you know, John is one of those people that we call-- well, snitches. He's working with the feds, kid, a few words with the wrong people, and bum, John no more."

The old man laughs and Cas can't hold his eyes anymore, his stomach twisting. He closes his eyes and tries to think about his options, going over legal terms in his head, he remembers a Netflix show that talked about witness protection or something--

"Oh, C'mon!" Zachariah rolls his eyes. "I was joking, Castiel! I'm not a monster."

Cas' body deflates with relief, a smile coming up to his face. "Then, why--?"

"I'll send John to maximun security, take the custody of Sam and Dean off Pamela and send them away. If Dean causes any problems, of course, I'll send Sam to the opposite side of the country." Zachariah relaxes on his seat as he watches Cas' face lose all color. "I'll be honest with you, Castiel, I didn't like that you broke my boy's heart, so, if you don't obey my rules, then I'll personally make sure Dean Winchester never sees his brother again." 

Cas digs his nails into his palms, his body is shaking and he can't focus on anything around him.

He imagines Sam's innocent face as Dean is being drag away from him, he imagines the terrified look on his face as he tries to convince his big brother that he'll be okay. Cas can almost hear Dean's shouts, can imagine the sound of his heart breaking.

"So, tell me." Zachariah smiles proudly, "are you ready to talk now?"

 

****

 

Cas stays silent for the rest of the evening after his talk with Mr. Silverman, his parents barely acknowledge him as he walks into the house, his sibling only laugh at his suit. When he's finally alone in his room, he decides to take another shower. 

An hour later, he's still wearing his towel around his hips, sitting on the edge of his bed. Cas still feels numb as he lays in bed, eyes quickly filling up with tears. He tries to sort out his thoughts, but his breathing is getting heavier, his hands are shaking and he feels a familiar need growing in the pit of his stomach.

His eyes snap open at the sound of a car pulling over right outside of his window. It's too quiet to be Baby, but the yelling from the inside lets him know that it isn't their neighbor. Cas recognizes some of the voices. A kid from AP Math, a girl from the cheerleader squad, two guys from the Basketball team and two girls from Drama Club.  
It was an odd group, but Cas could barely focus on that as he saw them sneaking into the house next to Cas', he saw Riley opening a window to pull them in. Cas looks through his window and squints his eyes to see the kids giggling as Riley took out bottles out of his closet.

Cas huffs out a breath as he heads back to his bed, he rubs his face with both hands, taking out the few tears he had left on his face, his mind is not focusing on anything yet, so when Cas gets up in a hurry and dresses himself with the first things he finds, it's not really his fault.

He doesn't bother to pick anything else other than a few bucks and an old fake ID, leaving his phone on the bed and ignoring Chuck's car keys laying on the kitchen counter.

Cas sips up his jacket and gets on the bike, leaving his house behind as he heads down to the old bar just outside of town. No one really goes there anymore, and Cas only really sees bikers, old drunks or families who got lost on the camp site near the bar.

Cas drops his bike to a side and enters the bar without an issue, they barely register his ID before they pour whiskey into his glass. No one even looks at him as he moves away to the poor lit table far away from the rest.

He sits down with his glass in hand, his body still quivering with need and cold.

Cas shivers when the smell of cheap beer hits his nose, a reminder of what he used to smell whenever he slept over at the Winchester's home. His mind goes back to Dean, who is now most likely pissed at Castiel.

It's not over-- he'll have to face it tomorrow morning. He'll have to go up to Dean Winchester and end everything between them.

He presses his hand against the cold table. To stop the anger, Cas tries to picture Pamela, Sam and Dean sleeping calmly on their home.

 _This is the best for them_ , Cas repeats to himself, _I'm doing this for Dean_.

He finishes his whiskey in one swing and goes back to the bar to ask for something stronger, he's in no way a lightweight but he's still a teenager and he knows this mixing would take the best of him.

Led Zeppelin plays loudly over the speaker and Cas chuckles on his seat, the heat of his drink setting on his throat. Cas rolls his eyes when he sees two man approach the booth right next to him. They both sit in front of the other, loudly telling a story to each other. 

"She was crazy, man, I'm telling you." The younger man tells the redhead in front of him.

"They all are, Matt." The obnoxious laugh is what sends Cas over the edge.

His head gets dizzy as he stands up from his seat, his eyes shut automatically and the words that he thinks are steady come out stumbling. "Would-- you-- just shut the fuck up!?"

The bar is suddenly quiet, and Cas wishes the stupid song could stop too. He tries to focus on Matt walking up to him, but his mind is still infatuate with the song. He knows he's heard it before, possibly with Dean back when they were younger.

"You have a problem, kid?" Matt asks, showing off his teeth, a gold one poking out of the right corner.

"Yes--" Cas continues to struggle as his mind refuses to let go of the song. "I would really like for you to shut your misogynistic ass up."

The older man behind Matt laughs hysterically, but Cas remains stoic, suddenly aware of his fingers digging on his palms again, the need rising up to his face.

He feels the first punch close to his mouth, rinsing off his smile, but quickly a new one appears. Cas' fist is in more control now, and Matt barely knows that he's been hit before he's crunching down onto his stomach. The man around them try to stop them, but everyone knows is too late now.

The redhead man takes Matt by the armpits and pulls him out of the bar, Cas doesn't need anyone carrying him out. He tastes the blood on his mouth as he walks to the street where the two men are waiting for him. Matt stands up now, a hateful look on his face, as he jumps him, throwing a weak punch that Cas almost laugh at.

His right arm is surprisingly better than his left and Cas smiles as he feels his knuckles hit Matt's pointy chin. He feels the blood run down his hand and he finally remembers the song now.

 _When The Levee Breaks_.

Dean used to whisper it to himself all the time, it wasn't one of his favorites, but somehow it got stuck on his head. Cas remembers how calm Dean looked whenever he sang, how young and fearless he was.

Matt takes another low hit to his stomach and Cas has a hard time breathing again. He sees the older man approaching and he's suddenly aware of what he's doing.

 _This is it_ , he thinks, _I'm dead_.

He punches Cas hard on the left side of his face, and Cas can barely stop his face from hitting the hard floor. He stays put, facing down, anger rolling off of him. He needs to leave but his body won't let him. Cas gets up with a cocky smile on his face, he doesn't know what he's doing.

It's two against one, but Cas has nothing to lose.

 _If you die_ , a voice in his head that sounded a lot like Zachariah said, _who will take care of Sam and Dean? You'll make your mother look bad, and we don't want that._

With his face and hands bleeding, Cas takes a few more punches that leave the man down on his knees. He watches as Matt struggles to get on his feet, Cas wants to stay and continue to fight. But his feet move faster than his mind does and he finds himself driving away on his bike before he can think about anything else. The adrenaline stills travels through his body, the tears on his eyes clouding his sight. Against all odds, Cas finds himself already in his drive way, the garage door opening and him dumping the bloody bike inside of it.

He hisses and drowns down sobs as he washes off his face and hands. Cas is not sure what time it is, but the car outside his window is no longer there. He wraps himself in a blanket and prays that the bruises are not that bad in the morning.

They'll be bad. Very bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took a hella long hiatus, sorry about that, you know, summer and stuff. Hope you like it!

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by the songs All These Years and In The dark by Camila Cabello.
> 
>  
> 
> I hope you like it! Let me knows if I made any mistakes... I would't be surprised at all.
> 
> Also, I don't know if American high schools have soccer or not, but I understand more soccer than american football (also, my soul dies a little every time I say soccer instead of futbol oops)


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